thank you for the response. I too am cringing when I think that I asked him for the kiss. It was just the FIRST time since found about the affair two weeks ago that he was acting like the husband I know and love.

God, this is just such a whirlwind of emotions. Yesterday I felt more confident and strong, today I just want to crawl under the covers and cry. I am going to FORCE myself to get dressed and go to the bookstore. H is with daughter at a friends next door.

I would just give ANYTHING to go back and time and do things differently. LIke being kinder him, being more sexual and enjoying it more with him, helping out around house more, all the things he is NOW saying (after I found out about affair), that led up to him wanting out. I feel like throwing up every time I think of him with this person that I know nothing about. I am using the techniques in db of the stop sign which helps. And it's not even her, the ow, I know she is just a symptom of all the things I did wrong. I really bitched at him a lot, wasn't really there for him sexually, was very selfish, I could go on and on. I just wish so much I could go back in time because he is a wonderful father and we DID have so many good things in the marriage.

I miss him as my best friend I think more than anything. The sitting around and laughing. I miss the family day trips, I miss him making me laugh until my stomach hurts.

I feel like I'll never get over this. (I'm falling apart right now because he isn't here and I'm giving myself permission to do this right now). This is the hardest f'ing thing I have ever gone through.

I would give anything to have him hold me again, Anything to have him tell me he loves me again. I know I sound pathetic. And I won't stop db'ing, GAL, but I am grieving today and I am using this board as a journal right now in a sense.

Before I found out about the affair two weeks ago, (I don't love you bomb 6 weeks ago), it was easier to deal with. We were having great sex, he was home every day. Now knowing that there is this other person who is obviously making him happy is KILLING me in ways I could have NEVER predicted. It's not even the sex that kills me, it's the emotional connection that is obviously going on.

At this point, I really don't see how db can overcome this kind of situation when your spouse says, "I've never been happier. I've never connected to someone like this before". I just don't see how this can be repaired.