H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Evie,

listen to your solicitor, (don't tell h every time you see her, seriously....why?) and don't keep getting dragged into these discussions. Sounds as if nothing your H offers to pay are better deals than what you're entitled to, so wth? Listen to the Solicitor. Do NOT get sucked into any "woe is me" about his choices. They were completely his choices. They didn't include your input,( or your interests either. ) Veer off the topic and let him face the consequences of this choices, without rubbing his nose in it. Maybe suggest he get a studio apt or whatever... It's as if this has just occurred to him? Hello???

Remember, no matter what h has convinced himself of about his concern for the boys and him not being a bastard, and being fair, blah blah blah, well here's my 2 x 4, he is a liar and he is a man who'll leave his wife and lie to her (to spare her feelings!!??!!....oh sure sure, lying to you was NOBLE of him....and cutting your cards off was inexcuable, but he had to do that, ... "To get your attention".....wth???!!! Guess that's why you went to the solicitor too...to get his.

Anyhow, I don't know what "bastards" are like, but some of them do the things I just mentioned that your h has done. Somehow he has to see that, without you being the one to point it out. I mean, is he heroic in this life story? At one point 2 years ago when h said something about doing nothing wrong by not telling me about the fellowship 300 miles away and not wanting to hurt me by telling the truth, blah blah blah, I actually said, "thank you for that. The lying ---oh wait, I mean the "witholding" of crucial life changing information on your part, was noble..." I may have made it into a sarcastic comment (I do some stand up comedy and did say in one rant, "I hate it when lying gets twisted into being a noble trait, with "I WAS GOING to tell you....but.....or I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU but. and the "but" is followed by something WE have done to prevent them from being honest. Please. I do use humor to diffuse and at that time it worked. As my DB coach once said, regarding the whole "applaud loudly for the 1% good they do" was so hard, I called it the "Mother Teresa" approach.

Okay, it's way late here. My DB session isn't this week, but I'll keep you posted. I feel a little backslide and yet, you recall that H's mom is suddenly dying and I have a feeling that he is already starting to "get it" as to how it'll feel. He has only an inkling though. (My dad died a decade ago, and it was a big deal for me) If I know my h, this will hit him hard in the guts and that will change our R for awhile. Maybe for the better, God I hope so. This is uncharted territory for him. I know for many reasons, I MUST be a bit dutiful, if not a bit "heroic" at this time, in the coming months. Pay all the bills on both homes, maintain them, take care of kids, pay colleges and work full time, and be "FUN"....Maybe H's recent behavior, which is inconsistent but crappy at times, IS related to depression coming on. He isn't paying many bills and that is getting me nervous. Totally dropped the ball on taxes this year and past 2 years, no lie. WTH???? I bit my tongue. A lot. His job search is going at a glacial pace and he is a physician. Normally, this should not be hard as a task. But then, it sucks as something to do while your mom is dying, and you'll have to move, start the new job, deal with medical malpractice "tail" coverage--you write a big fat check to insurance companies when you LEAVE a medical practice job...nice touch. So I really have to back off and step up to the plate for h. More later.

BTW, I hope you found the Solicitor's comments reassuring in at least some ways. I mean, you may keep the house, IF YOU wish to. There were several pieces of good news in what she said. And they were better than what your h is saying. BTW, why would you both use the same lawyer? DId I misunderstand? You said "our" lawyer at one point and that confused me. I hope she is YOURS and yours alone. He can get his own. (Don't think for one minute that he has not sought legal counsel...no way. He has been planning this for a long long time). Doesn't he technically at least, earn more? Won't you get primary custody of the kids? The amount (% of actual time) of physical custody over here in the US, affects the amount of child support, fyi.
(( j ))