The mistress has more than I can offer

[Dayana]

Sara, hope you are feeling better. It is hard to hang in there when there seems to be nothing positive.
I haven't heard from Htoday so am also feeling a bit sad, but he said he would take us to the airport in the morning - that in itself feels sad because he was supposed to be coming with us to this wedding. I am sure it will feel sad to him too to take us to the airport and not come with.
I started playing tennis last week - it feels good to run around, take my mind off things. I've got a local teenager to look after the kids for a cheap rate, so I can get out once in a while.
Sara, are you managing to do anything for you?

[Starshyne]

Hi Dayana,

Yeah, I haven't seen any small positives in several days. It is very difficult. But I am still hanging out for hope.

I have started taking guitar lessons once a week. It is helpful, as you said to take my mind off of things. I also have to practice the guitar and it does feel good to do something that I haven't been able to enjoy in several years.

I am just having a sad time right now.

Sara

[Dayana]

Hi Sara
Sorry to hear you are feeling sad. I hope that something will brighten your day.
I've been away for a few days with kids - spoke to H a couple of times. He came to pick us up at the airport but it is impossible to tell if that was only for the sake of the kids or anything to do with me. He didn't stick around long so we didnt talk much about anything.
I've had some lovely days on the beach - I find it helps to calm me down Do you live near the beach?

[Starshyne]

Thanks Dayana,

I live no where near a beach. I have only been to a beach once in my life...I think I was about 10. I live near the river, but it is dark and ugly. It has been raining here a lot lately, and that doesn't help any either.

I have been feeling a bit more positive. H and I had a good weekend together, but now it is back to not talking at all. Lots of ups and downs in one days time....

How are things going with you? I have been thinking about you.

Sara

[Dayana]

hi Sara
Sorry you don't live near a beach!
I'm glad you have had some positives, but sorry about the down times.
I am trying my best to stay positive, but I just don't know how to interpret H's actions. He keeps saying we need to talk about things but then he refuses to talk - he makes excuses, he's too tired, has to go, etc. When I pressed him the other night, he said he is going to see his brother next weekend (in another state) and he'll talk to me after that. But he has said this kind of thing plenty of times before and nothing has happened.

Unfortunately last night he came over and hopped into bed and we were intimate which I totally regret, as I feel used and I feel violated. I feel like I felt for a long time in the marriage - I have had a horrible feeling all day about it. And he has not phoned me at all today even though I have left messages as I need to talk about arrangements with the kids. So I am wondering if he is seeing OW again (he denies but who knows).
So all in all I am feeling rather uncomfortable but trying hard not to let it get me down.
Yesterday I invited some friends over for a BBQ for the first time since H left - it was a challenge I set myself as I had a fear about entertaining on my own. But it as really good, and I am proving to myself bit by bit that I can be a whole person without him.

Hope your days are going better.

[Dayana]

hi Sara
How are you doing? Haven't heard from you for a while. Hope you are OK

[Starshyne]

Hi Dayana,

I have the flu. It is not a good thing. My H still wants to move out as soon as he gets enough money to make it. Some days I feel like giving up and other days I feel like we are going to make it.

Sara

[Dayana]

Hi Sara
Sorry to hear you are not well and that H is not going well either. Don't give up though. Last year a friend of mine's H kept saying how desperate he was to leave but couldn't afford to. She told him to go if he wanted and then she just got on with her life, finding her own ways to keep busy and happy. As soon as he realised she was ready to let him go, he changed his tune and has now recommitted to the M.
I don't know if that will work for you, but when you are over the flu, try your hardest to GAL and get out there - even if you totally don't feel like it, force yourself to get out and focus on other things than him.

I have to keep telling myself this and it does seem to have some impact. The more my H sees me getting on with life, the more he expresses interest in coming home. He has however not expressed sufficient interest to cut ties with OW. She is still managing his band and I refuse to have him back while he is still in contact with her. So we are having a stand off.
I really don't think he will pack it in with her unless I give him an ultimatum which of course I am afraid to do. But I do know that whether or not he comes back, I have to keep creating my own life, as hard as it sometimes is. But it really really works - the 180 really works too. Usually when I see him I start trying to talk about things. The other day I went out while he babysat - I decided when I got home I would just say hello and leave the room. This is totally different to what I usually do - the moment I left the room, he followed me and asked me what was up. He then got suspicious that I had been out with another man, which I had not, but I didn't mind him feeling a bit of jealousy! The point is, my 180 really impacted on him - it made him pursue me to talk instead of the other way round.

So I suggest think of something you always do that isn't working with H and do a 180! Let me know how you go.

As for me, the ultimatum is surely brewing!

[Dayana]

Hi Sara
Is everything alright? You've been very quiet for a while.
Hope you are OK