I think you've done so much better during the last 2 days, mary. Excellent improvement on your outlook and mental/emotional stability.
In regard to your H apologizing in your last post, that is good. However, don't try to read too much into it or assume it means he wants you back. It is most likely guilt that is driving such actions AT THIS POINT. Continue being nice, confident, genuine, strong, sincere, etc, but DO NOT backslide with requests for things like a kiss on the lips. That reeks of desparation and only lends hints to the possibility that the way you are acting (i.e. DBing) is only an act to get him back. To be honest, I cringed a little when I read that. I know that I have been pretty blunt in my posts/responses to you, but please take what I've said to heart. That did not help your situation {and you knowingly admitted it).
One more observation. You ARE taking responsibility for your contribution to the failed M, but you are also playing the "but" game: "but H did this," and "H did that". It is true that you can't move on and continue to get healthy emotionally UNTIL you completely work through and exhaust the anger you have for your H at this time. However, you will eventually have to get to a point where you can accept/respect/empathize with his choices of late. Even if you disagree with them, if you love him unconditionally you will see the need for this at some point -- for him, you, and D5. Forgiveness in the genuine sense is a powerful thing for many reasons. Please remember this. I don't think you're even close to this point yet, but it is a prize worthy of continuing to focus on as a long term goal.
But get that anger out. Exhaust it.
Please check out a book by Bruce Fisher entitled, "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends." It is absolutely fantastic, and excellent in helping your go through and deal with the various emotions that a person experiences when going through what we're all going through.
I'm very proud of your recent strides, Mary, and you should be too!
