Ok my H is home and my fast is over..... I cannot seem to keep my hands off of him and I am just doing not trying * for the millioneth time * DOING IT!
I am really proud of myself. I staying in the moment and he is I think overwhelmed by me so far.
I cant say I have converted back to HD just yet he has only been home for a day but I can say I feel a shift in me and I just want to keep showing him how much I love him...
Will post more later.... but I will say this ...~leaving everything out of my head but us two sure ~~~~does make for some amazing ML. This is what I have been missing for sooooooooooooooooo loooooooooooooong!
My H left to run some errands .. and I walked to the bank to send out a bil that we owed. I did not wear my Ipod like I usually do... I was about to walk in the fornt door and my H calls me. I had sadness in my voice apparently. He asked what is wrong and I said I dunno I just feel a little sad , I will be ok. and right now I feel very overwhelmed and I am crying I really truly dunno why.....
~maybe it is because I feel like for many years I was drowning in my pain and I could see no way out .. and I was alienating the one person who might help me and he was also alienating me? I dunno.... still more pain to get out of me,,, that is clear now. Doing something so precious and beautiful like ML between two committed partners is not so beautiful when your spirit is in tremendous pain...... feeling it and letting it go~
I think it's just that some folks are 'in their head' and some are 'in their body'....or 'in the moment' and some are 'in their heart'.....
and it doesn't mean that 'never the twain shall meet'....it's just that men are often 'in their bodies'...
It doesn't make them less spiritual, less loving....
but you just experience it differently. If you're in your heart/head or spirit and he's 'in his body' it's odd to him, the way you describe it to him.
Ironically....even though I haven't read 'New Earth', I did read the 'power of now' which was about being in the moment....it might help you experience your h's world a little easier.
Don't expect him to see yours.
I hope it helps. If it doesnt...let me know.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
~SG, It does help but it is as if I need a manual to understand him..... at least some of the time. I am working hard at being in my body..... and I think it is kind of getting him a little off kilter. I tried to initiate yesterday when he was in a "MOOD" and he was trying his best to be "DRY" as H*LL .... and then h esaid to me "oh so now it is when you want it?"
This comment sort of made me laugh * ( did not laugh out loud*) I replied ..' actually no honey it has been always when you want it since you got home, the other nite I said are we gonna play and you said ,, no. So we went to bed and then you decided later it was yes."
This made him angry and he started to get dressed and so I said you know what honey you really like to play games...." This further made him angry..... we argued some and he threatened me with it being over...
I called his bluff..... I said my peace for a good 2~5 minutes and the point was..." you know I am tired of you holding yourself out there like some prize that I can never really and truly have ,, waving yourself in front of me like ... here stupid little &*((^^%%%*&(*(**() look what you can have if you are a good little girrrrrlllll.... and you know what if me loving you is too much then I guess I will need to learn not to love you ..... so be it.
I then was quiet and he within 5 minutes closed the door and ML to me very passionately.... what the heck? Can anyone translate?
I guess if you could elaborate ON~
Quote:
Ironically....even though I haven't read 'New Earth', I did read the 'power of now' which was about being in the moment....it might help you experience your h's world a little easier.
Don't expect him to see yours.
What I do get from this is you are telling me not to expect for him to feel like me.
.... and you know what it makes alot of sense. It is going to be something .....I need to change.... I do always try to invite him in my view and never quite get his.I have gotten to where I am in the moment and the ML is fantastic and I wish it was just automatic for me like it seems to be for him.... I also made the mistake I know not to and invited him to listen to a 'New Earth' podcast.
He didnt get mad he just looked at me like I was nuts.....
oops...
So enlightenment can maybe lead me to being in my body more.. I struggle with this so much.
I am mostly in my mind and in my heart and the body comes last. Sometimes I can just be carnal.... uuugggghhhhh. Am I making this more complicated or is it really this complicated?
Ok now time to stop typing cause I feel like my mind is one big jumble of thoughts and none of them seem to be helping me make sense of anything right now..... THanks ~SG God bless....
Well it has been what seems like forever since my last post. I have been busy... . Not what you are thinking! and by the way every time my H plays a video game now with our son I think of your comment SG~
Anyway things have been going well and I wish I would have posted more in between,,,,, He is still turning me down at least 75% of the time I initiate and for some resaon I think he is enjoying it. Not in a IM GOING TO PAY YOU BACK kind of way but I think it is more just plain fun for him. I am having fun with it too, cause when he does give in it is fabulous. This morning for instance he was taking a shower...
* and the old him if I didnt get in and then act like a "xxx star"/exagerrating some but you get the point, towards him he would feel unwanted and like I was being rude. Like I dont "want " him.*
.....so I went over by the shower and had my clothes off and said "look honey I am nakey" in a spoiled voice and he looked and said "eeew. leave me alone...." I put my robe on and let him shower .
So in BLACK AND WHITE ON PAPER. This sounds very rude or cold but actually we are having so much fun. Last nite when we came to bed he had no intentions of ML and I started to kiss him and it snowballed from there....
I have been trying to figure out how this has changed so beautifully and it is hard to poitn to just one thing.... I can feel we have a stronger connection for sure. I can feel he loves me so much and he also goes out of his way to be a good H and Father now also and I honestly at times feel like I am dreaming. he has done things in the past 4 weeks he had not done before ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All without me "trying" to make him do these things for us! Dont get me wrong he isnt feeding me grapes in my mouth but this is incredible. Absolutely incredible, I could never even have dreamed this up!
We did get into a heated discussion about his MOM~ the OW ~ and his sister~ the other day .YUCK~
ME? It was like for 10 years I had been holding all this "**&&*&&&**%$@#@&" in and then "word vomit" ?!~? ........it all spewed out and at one point I even thought "be quiet ALI" and yet I could not. Crazy as it sounds ......He ACTUALLY LISTENED.
He didnt want to talk to me too much for a day and a half.. but he actually heard me. That was on Saturday nite~ Incredibly the old me would have begged for forgiveness kissed his a%% ...etc...etc...etc....but I did no such thing and it is OK~ wooooooooooooohhhhooooooooo!
Sorry alot of going back and forth but all in all I am finding that I can be sexy with him and he is taking it in and he is controlling when we ML or not.He is like I said seeming to have fun with not giving himself to me and I am enjoying seeing him have fun and accept the gifts I give him.
I also think that now that I have really put my "demons" to rest
* for the most part I am not perfect*
and really give 100% when we are making love. Really present every moment . Make him feel desired by me. Put real stellar quality into it~ ......and not thinking about the kids, the housework or the meatloaf I have to make for dinner later. But really being Passionate and making love to him and being in the now that has helped him to feel wanted by me. And trust ME even as I reread this for spelling errors it seems so simple.
*I.E.Just put 3/4 c of Passion 1c of focus,1/2c of determination..... ... you get the point...... trust me it is not!!!!!!!!!!
It took me for what seems like forever............................. and ever to get here. For some I hope it doesnt take that long but for me there was alot of work to do.
And really still to keep doing to keep this good and keep me feeling sexy and alive and worthwhile. Maybe one day it will come natural... when that day comes I will feel very blessed. but for now I will keep remembering my H needs me to keep this up and he needs to feel me. Not who I think he wants me to be but me. God bless....
~ I feel like I should delete the previous post .. I feel so foolish .. I feel like an idiot. I forgot what a good actor he is.
He got out of the shower yesterday and said to me very seriously..."You know all the talks we had while I was in Mexico on the phone... it is really sad cause you are not doing anything...."
And I though for a moment "WTF?"
He added.... " and dont ask me what I mean..."
So I replied .." ok I wont ask." as I swallowed this huge knot in my throat.....
Childish ..... I feel like but what the h*ll..... I guess I am supposed to see it clear as a Bell.... * I bet he wanted me to take a shower with him and seduce him*
only thing I can figure out is our SL...
after he said that I ML to him and then this morning to..... he was "resisting" this morning and then he gave in. So all this time he has been acting like he doesnt want sex? I dunno? I am supposed to somehow figure this out on my own???? Am I supposed to seduce him daily even when he says no? Am I supposed to take him even if he says no? As much as I am all for self validation it is real hard to play his game.. funny he says I like to play games.....
I feel so frustrated and confused....
all this time he has been acting?
?
Mind you he didnt say it like an A** ..but more like he is really hurt by me.
I also came to this conclusion as I have been racking my brain... he decided to becoem and inconsiderate a**H*le @ 10 years ago and really never see me or feel me or love me * in my mind* .... his behavior spoke volumes... and so now it is as if he sees me and wnats me to desire him and I feel liek we have been together a long time for I was present and it seems he wants it to be alwasy like when you are First dating... like now he is ready for it and I was ready long ago...
I dunno this is very confusing and a lot harder than I thought...
I thought it felt too good to be true but I was not looking deep enough.
I also found out recently that for sure @ 7 years ago he was cheating on me a lot... when my good friend told me it suprisingly still hurt a lot. spected it back then but he would deny it up and down... and I unfortunately know it to be true because she is sister to his best friend.....
It felt mlike someone pucnched me and they enjoyed it.
I am all for seducing him daily but I feel like I am trying to feel a BLACK HOLE.
I am very affectionate.... I take care of him..... UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I guess he wants me to always want him in betweem my legs........ I dunno what he needs? I know he needs me to show passion but I am not always hott or in the mood I am human..... UUUGGHHH!!!!!? HHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP! I honestly feel like he has unrealistic expectations...... How can I love him more? How can he ever feel my love when it seems he has none for himself if he cannot feel my love?
I am quite sure I make no sense in this post but any help is TRULY welcome.....
~ok so my rantings from before helped clear my mind and I am still feeling like I am desperately looking for a solution.
So I calmed my thoughts down and read Chapter 13 in DR and have come to real big realization as much as I want to drag my feet or say he is being ridiculous.... I must appreciate his honesty and make a commitment to be solution oriented.I am proud of myself for not stewing and waiting. I ML to him last nite and this morning and he enjoyed it. I guess he was just sitting back and waiting to see what I would do.....
I also know this is one of the Main Reasons he left to begin with and he has had so may affairs also.... I am not taking the blame entirely and I also do not want to feel like if I do not give him this he will always cheat... I do need to work thru those remnants of pain and I also need to start a Journal like I had during Seperation and just see what works and what doesnt. He stopped by before to say hi and he seems to be content......................
I guess I did take it personally when I feel like I am doing good and things are going well.
I have had time to sit back and see that him telling me this and as much as it stings will help me to move forward. Thankfully I can take it and use it. I did tell him to tell me when I wasnt filling him up like he needs.......
It seems simple and maybe it is...maybe I just make it complicated.....
Interesting that you find sex to be so unimportant, just like many of the wives of the men on these boards. I can tell you from a HD man's perspective that sex is for many men, their #1 Emotion. Think of sex as being integrated into every part of his personality. You husbands reactions to you are CLASSIC responses to not enough sex. Every time you reject him sexually, you reject him! Both of you need to realize that your needs in marriage are COMPLETELY different, and this is normal. You want communication, sharing, time together. He of course wants "Sexual Fullfillment". This again is NORMAL. You both need to have your needs met. But right now you need to concetrate on his needs if you want him back. As Dr. Laura says, there are three things you can do to win a man, feed him, sex him, and admire him. Thats it! I am guesing that he wandered specifically for sex. He wants to have a LOVER. That COULD be you. You need to have sex with a frequency that comes close to what he wants, and most HD men watn sex at least 3 times a week, OR MORE! He probably wants lots of VARIETY. He probably wants ORAL sex from you, many LD women HATE this. He wants flirting, kissing, touching, playfullness, and at all time of the day and in public. He wants a women that has no sexual hangups. And most important, he wants a women that WANTS sex. Men love women that initiate, A LOT! They want women that DESIRE to make love to them!
Remember, Men do not need sex. THey need "Sexual Fullfillment". The difference, it's all in your desire and attitude. So you need to figure out how to LOVE sex, and then how to keep it in your thoughts more or less 24/7. Unfortunately, this is VERY hard to do for some women. You husband is bathed 24/7 in the ONLY known aphrodisiac there is, testosterone. IT controls EVERY thing about him and his personality, that is just the way it is.
Once you win him back, you must keep it up. But then you need to address HIS role in the mess and expect him to improve the way he interacts with you. Otherwise, you both will fall back into the routines you were before.
Originally posted by CeMar.... I thought I would post it here to keep it fresh in my mind. God Bless....
minutes and the point was..." you know I am tired of you holding yourself out there like some prize that I can never really and truly have ,, waving yourself in front of me like ... here stupid little &*((^^%%%*&(*(**() look what you can have if you are a good little girrrrrlllll.... and you know what if me loving you is too much then I guess I will need to learn not to love you ..... so be it.
It will tell you to get in your body, but you'll be getting there via your head.
I guess he wants me to always want him in betweem my legs........ I dunno what he needs? I know he needs me to show passion but I am not always hott or in the mood I am human..... UUUGGHHH!!!!!? HHHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!