Hey T...wierd about the answer machine thing...not sure what your next move can be...leave it a week and try again?
Acupuncture...I think its usually £30 an hour in this country (although if they;re good, £35 is normal too),so thats about $60-70 right?? I said to Jeff to go with someone who also teaches, cos they will be the most experienced, but then more expensive. Worth it though! I went twice and the guy cured my back...more than 6 sessions to a chiropracter did! Pin power.
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So today I was working on an interest free student loan application that I applied for last year. I was going through old emails trying to find some old documents to recycle for my application and I ran across this old email from my Dad that I had totally forgotten about, from almost exactly a year ago.
My B met a musical colleague of my Dad (who is also a musician) at a performance, and B told the colleague, "I think the world of T, she is so great!!!!" and basically glowed with love. And colleague told my Dad, who emailed me about it. I could cry. Intellectually, I understand how we got to this place, but in my heart, part of me still does not understand... how did we go from him having that kind of gut reaction of enthusiasm about me towards a total stranger (Dad's colleage) to where we are now???
Then I came across some other emails and realized that this time last year was the same time when B came to visit me for a week. This was when he told me he was sad that he couldn't have the sexual experiences he wanted with me, and asked me to go with him to couples counseling. And I got really mad and said, "I'm not ready to do those things with you, you just need to DEAL WITH IT" and then he immediately got sick... and remembering this today I thought, How could I have been SO F-in Retarded? Talk about NFC, I could be the POSTERGIRL.
I'm sorry I haven't posted to everyone yet today, I will do that soon, I promise!!!!
Essie--you are so sweet you make me blush!!!!! You have really touched my life too!! Seriously here on my desk I have printed out and highlighted many Essie posts. Thank you so much for your support on this journey! have you tried the new underwear trick yet? It is crazy what a good pair of new undies can do for the PMA!
Ali--thank you for visiting, even though I know you're really sick! Yeah, I was thinking, leave it a week and try again too--or if I am feeling really happy, call him when I am feeling really happy. But the good thing with calling after yoga class is that it's almost guaranteed I'll be feeling really happy and grounded. So I do not have to constantly monitor my happiness level to determine whether or not I have Achieved Phone-Call-Ability!
Thanks for the tips about acupuncture... what I was looking at was like $100/150 an hour which seemed crazy... hmmm....
GREAT JOB on calling him. I am SUPER-PROUD of you!!!!
So sometimes that wierd ringing for ages thing happens to me when I call people- usually it reflects that the phone has no signal, so there isn't a missed call alert that comes up. It took me ages to work that out- I used to get really frustrated with people ignoring my calls that they had no idea about!! I really like the plan of trying again in a few days though.
Sorry you feel down about the e-mails and memories. Maybe Essie has a good answer on how to deal with those retrospective 'what was I thinking?' thoughts- she has a good steer on most things!
Oh, and I just want to reiterate what everyone else said. You are SO TALENTED!! A Balinese-speaking, yoga-master, musical maestro gastronome!! It would be great to get together- I'm trying to get a work trip to the US later this year- maybe that'd be a good time!
((((T))))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
This was when he told me he was sad that he couldn't have the sexual experiences he wanted with me, and asked me to go with him to couples counseling. And I got really mad and said, "I'm not ready to do those things with you, you just need to DEAL WITH IT" and then he immediately got sick... and remembering this today I thought, How could I have been SO F-in Retarded? Talk about NFC, I could be the POSTERGIRL.
(((T))) I understand how painful it is to go through the good and the bad memories. It does get easier with time, and you are probably in a good place now to go back and really look at things and sort through your own emotions again about the good and bad times.
I may be WAY off line here because I'm fairly conservative.... BUT I think your BF was being an $#$$# to try and manipulate you into sexual experiences you didnt feel comfortable with. I dont think that's love, I think thats selfishness. I personally think sex should be about making love, and some of the stuff that goes on is not about love its about power. So I say give yourself some credit. If your BF respected your feelings he could have approached things differently so that you both had all your needs satisfied.... So I dont know about 'NFC' your clue might have been your own intuition - I think you are pretty amazing T, and I am mad that BF didnt treat you better. Grrrr!
However in really really great relationships founded on mutual respect for each other, both partners have the freedom to express themselves and not be judged. So I guess if it was me I would be asking questions in regards to the sexual thing like: "Did I give BF the space to express himself?" "Did I believe that my way was right? "Did I try and change BF?" (is it possible to be female and answer 'no' to this one!! Ha Ha!) "Did I respect him?" "Did he respect me?"
This is where there are boundaries, so if BF wanted to have a conversation about his sexual needs you would listen and validate and really hear what he was trying to say, but that does not automatically mean that BF is right and that you should do whatever he wants to please him, you still must be true to yourself.
I do think you are so lovable and loving T, and I think BF leaving has so much more to do with his own issues about himself, and his own expectations about relationships. Dont be thinking that if you had just done this or that things would have turned out differently.
I actually wonder if you had given into the sexual thing then BF may have respected you less?!?!? That's a question that cant really be answered.
According to the BITCH book, men cant get enough of women who are centered and independent and who don't let men sway their emotions, they stay true to themselves. I bent over backwards to help my H and please him, but at the expense of myself - I'm never going to do that again!
(((T))) I hope you have such a good week. I will be thinking of you.
Hey T! I concur with Essie... although she puts it better than I could have, but I was thinking the same thing. What on earth did he mean, that "he was sad that he couldn't have the sexual experiences he wanted with me".. you dont have to tell us, but I agree with Essie, that sounds a bit strange and I dont blame you for putting up a boundary and telling him you arent prepared to be counselled into it. Depends what it was I suppose! But I dont think that makes you the poster girl for NFC, not at all !
How are you feeling anyway? And yes, that acupuncture does sound expensive, but maybe it is in the US !?
And Kalni... I LOVE cinammon ! How do you make a creamy cinnamon cake!? I wish I could bake like you and T, I never made a cake that was edible or thicker than a cm !
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thank you for your support!!! And for explaining how the same thing has happened to you too. It was really weird, just b/c I'd never had that experience before.
I would be SO UTTERLY DELIGHTED to meet you in person!! Keep me posted about that!! I am in and out of Atlanta between May and August--and then in Atlanta more or less through the end of december, maybe longer... when I'm out of Atlanta I'm usually visiting my family in DC or friends in NYC and Boston.
(((HUGS TO YOU)))
p.s. I am so happy to hear that your H *emailed you first* at his new job! Baby step happy dance!!!
Thank you soooooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOO much for writing such a thoughtful response... and such good questions!!!
The whole boundary issue was definitely a breakdown in communication... basically the more B pushed for it, the more I resisted, and the more he pushed, and the more I resisted, and the more frustrated we both became about it. So it was also about control ... because, without being aware of it, I was controlling what we could and could not discuss, by making it clear that certain topics, like renegotiating sexual boundaries, were off the table. A classic scenario all described very clearly in SSM by MWD herself!!
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So I guess if it was me I would be asking questions in regards to the sexual thing like: "Did I give BF the space to express himself?" "Did I believe that my way was right? "Did I try and change BF?" (is it possible to be female and answer 'no' to this one!! Ha Ha!) "Did I respect him?" "Did he respect me?"
Honestly I think I contributed to the situation a lot by not being super willing to discuss it... It was sort of off the table, and then when he would bring it up, I would listen quietly, and maybe ask some questions, and then sort of retreat emotionally. I was so accustomed to my previously established boundaries that it really took the bombs for me to question them. But I learned through that questioning process that the reason I didn't want to change my boundaries was because B wasn't including me in his plans for the future... and for me to change my boundaries I needed to feel really really safe. Not be in a situation where he is making a set of professional plans that didn't include me....
But at the time of bomb #1 I said, "I've really been very reactive to you. When you first brought up the sexual boundaries thing, why didn't I say, 'wow! I can see this is really important to you, and you've never brought it up before. Can you tell me more about that?'" And then he literally doubled over sobbing and said, "That's exactly what I wanted to hear" (choked out in between the sobs).
So... that was a big wake up call. I think one of the root issues that set up the bomb was that I am very forthcoming about what I want, & when others don't speak up I assume they want what I want.... because I am direct, I expect others to act the same way. So in a very subtle way, I wasn't very interested in what he wanted or in his opinions.
But I have analyzed the HECK out of all of this, and it is in the past now!!
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According to the BITCH book, men cant get enough of women who are centered and independent and who don't let men sway their emotions, they stay true to themselves.
It's funny.... if it's possible, I think I may have been possibly just a touch TOO centered and independent and unswayable in my emotions. The whole boundary thing was really a core value... I felt like for me to give that up for the wrong reason would mean I was betraying myself. So it wasn't until the bombs, which shook me to the core, that I was able to reexamine that.
Essie, thank you SO much for your loving thoughts!!! You are incredible!!!!!
you make me blush!!!!! You have really touched my life too!! Seriously here on my desk I have printed out and highlighted many Essie posts. Thank you so much for your support on this journey! have you tried the new underwear trick yet? It is crazy what a good pair of new undies can do for the PMA!