There and Back, up and walking #1

[SallyM]

hi everyone! I'm, um, sally, and I'm getting a divorce.

okay, okay, so you all have known that for a while. just had my head stuck in the sand for long enough and have finally come to accept it (well, mostly).

link to my previous thread.

its been a looong time since I've been around. mostly busy, partly just needing a break. I needed to stop thinking about all of the db/divorce stuff for a while. but now that the wheels are turning again, I feel the need to come back here. not to mention I missed you all.

Have had some ups and downs. Mostly have been okay. A week ago h and I had our first big discussion in a long time. started with some e-mails about introducing the kids to ow. (um, dude, 2 months ago you were putting feelers out about possibly reconciling. but yeah, it was head stuck in sand time that I actually believed him).

he came by that night and we ended up having a good talk. I still believe my keep-it-to-email rule is the best form of communication for us (and he has agreed to adhere to it in the future), but I'm proud of myself. I can see the payoff in a year's worth of therapy...I rocked. lol.

bottom line, he can't see us reconciling. he isn't so sure about ow anymore, but he is so scared of being alone, and she is a guarantee (I can't guarantee us reconciling, only me putting my best effort in), so he's going to stay with her. sad, that. but he also said that still being married to me is likely clouding his relationship with her.

doesn't matter if it is or isn't, all that matters is he is choosing to pursue his relationship with her. his choice. my choice is to look out for my kids. I told him I need 3 things in order for me to be comfortable with him bringing ow and her son around our children:

1) we need to have the divorce papers completed and filed. not asking for the divorce to be final at this point, but I think that needs to be at minimal done.

2) our eldest starts therapy and has at least 4 sessions before the kids meet ow/her son. I am concerned about the younger ones, too, but more-so S6, since ow has a son the same age. I have a real fear he will feel usurped in his daddy's life. I am not ruling out therapy for the twins, so we'll see how that goes.

3) I want us to have a session of parenting coaching about how this will look like. h and I rock the co-parenting for the most part, but this, well, this is a horse of a different color.

My biggest goal here isn't to hold him back. I'm done with that. I just want my kids impacted the least. and this felt right to me.

He initially agreed on all but the 1st...that was the reason for the big discussion last weekend. but like I said, I really did well in the conversation (damn, wish i had it on tape for posterities sake) and by the end he understood what I was saying.

funny, btw, because even though this isn't what I want, I came out of the talk feeling sooo much better. I guess just having all the head games gone, having the cards on the table, was good for me. he, on the other hand, was more upset about it. I guess the lying/deceiving/game playing feels more natural to him. the open/honest stuff, not so much anymore. makes him uncomfortable. for me, though, it was a breath of fresh air.

so right now we are trying to find a mediator and get the ball rolling. he still needs to make the call and set it all up, but I'm happy to find some recommendations. if i can, will send them right out to him so we can hopefully find one we both agree on/feel comfortable with.

man this bites. wish I could just blink or twitch my nose and have it all behind me. its just so much freaking work, isn't it? and so hard when it isn't what you want. its like the opposite of wedding planning...there is sooo much work planning a wedding, but its all fun (well, I thought so). and there were cake tastings! I suppose with divorce planning its more about tequila tastings.

I accept the divorce now (see, watch sally say it over and over so she actually believes herself, lol). and I'm doing okay. breathing in and out, letting that river flow, knowing it will be a tough row to hoe but knowing that I will be okay.


next order of business? learning to type stbx instead of h.