Glad to hear that things are good - now remember this episode the next time the panic attack starts. Maybe it just takes going through a whole bunch of these incidents that turn out to be nothing that finally lets us start to relax (eventually).
I'm feeling pretty bad again about the cellphone. The calls keep going on, at about 20 to 30 minutes a day. I was hoping in my little fantasy world that after our wonderful Fathers Day she would stop calling him. Nope.
I wish I knew what she is thinking. Is she planning on leaving me, but waiting until a better time to do it? I don't think so, or at least I don't think she is conciously doing this. Is she planning on keeping this up forever? Again, I don't think so. I think she is just living in the moment, calling him because he still is providing something I don't. Whatever he's able to provide, it's something that I want to provide, but she won't let me.
I think that she doesn't see the downside to calling him. I'd bet if I asked her, she would say that her being in contact with him does not affect how she is with me. I think that in her mind, it feels good to talk to him, and what I don't know won't hurt me. And besides, she might argue, if she's not sleeping with him, then the A is not technically still going on.
What she doesn't see is how her calling him affects our R tremendously. Not just because I know about the calls. She sometimes has very little energy to talk to me when we are together at night. I always wonder how different it might be if she weren't talking to him. How our own conversations might be deeper and more meaningful. Even though it feels good to connect with her and to be able to laugh with her, our conversations are almost entirely pretty superficial, what's going on at each other's work, the kids, our immediate plans, or maybe gossip about this person or that. If she has her way, there won't be any R talks until at least the end of the month, after the Vegas trip.
She doesn't see how staying in contact with him just continues their bond, and that if and when she stops the contact, she'll still feel the withdrawal pains. She thinks she's avoiding the pain of completely separating from him, but the truth is (if she ends up with me), she's only postponing it.
I'm sure she wants to see him. That's what I worry about the most, in not confronting her. It seems to me that eventually she will, and then the A will go from a simmer back to a boil.
I think that she's also pretty sure that I won't do anything drastic "if" I find out. Maybe I've shown too much love. Other than in perhaps my earliest rages in the days after D-day, I've never suggested that I want anything other than to have her back, to have our M back. Maybe she wouldn't feel so free to take advantage of me if I drew some lines in the sand.
I'm sick of feeling like this, sick of not being able to concentrate at work, sick of not being able to be normal around her (both because of the past A, and because of the present), sick of not being able to sleep (I think I've probably averaged less than 5 hours a night in the last 4 months, I used to get 7), and totally sick of not being able to think about anything else.
I do try to concentrate on the baby steps that have been achieved. Heck, there have even been some pretty large steps. But maybe they are only really significant to me. Maybe she doesn't see things like being willing to hold my hand, or seduce me like she used to, or even say ILY as being the cosmic wonders that I think of them. Maybe it's all just a charade, or her version of trying. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
Sorry for the rambling. I'll try to be more cogent in the future.
