Hi, I just wanted to let you know that my panic attack was only that, H came home earlier than I thought because h had stated h was going to be really late (h wasn't)& everything was fine no problems, so I guess I panic again for pretty much no reason. I think that's probably just going to be me for awhile. I hope all is still well w you. Sorry this so late & short I was really busy this evening painting my children's bedroom furniture, that is my new project after that stenciling stars in their room. Wish me luck (never did it before) By the way I really appreciate your advice don't feel like a hypocrite I think it's so much easier to help other people than to follow our own advice. Have a good one. Thanks. ~~~K~~~
Hi Dee, Thanks for the advice. I will try relax & breathe (hard to do sometimes) & focus on all the positives. There are quite a few. Your right I don't want to push my H back to another. And that I can't control what h does just what I do. Thanks. ~~K~~
Glad to hear that things are good - now remember this episode the next time the panic attack starts. Maybe it just takes going through a whole bunch of these incidents that turn out to be nothing that finally lets us start to relax (eventually).
I'm feeling pretty bad again about the cellphone. The calls keep going on, at about 20 to 30 minutes a day. I was hoping in my little fantasy world that after our wonderful Fathers Day she would stop calling him. Nope.
I wish I knew what she is thinking. Is she planning on leaving me, but waiting until a better time to do it? I don't think so, or at least I don't think she is conciously doing this. Is she planning on keeping this up forever? Again, I don't think so. I think she is just living in the moment, calling him because he still is providing something I don't. Whatever he's able to provide, it's something that I want to provide, but she won't let me.
I think that she doesn't see the downside to calling him. I'd bet if I asked her, she would say that her being in contact with him does not affect how she is with me. I think that in her mind, it feels good to talk to him, and what I don't know won't hurt me. And besides, she might argue, if she's not sleeping with him, then the A is not technically still going on.
What she doesn't see is how her calling him affects our R tremendously. Not just because I know about the calls. She sometimes has very little energy to talk to me when we are together at night. I always wonder how different it might be if she weren't talking to him. How our own conversations might be deeper and more meaningful. Even though it feels good to connect with her and to be able to laugh with her, our conversations are almost entirely pretty superficial, what's going on at each other's work, the kids, our immediate plans, or maybe gossip about this person or that. If she has her way, there won't be any R talks until at least the end of the month, after the Vegas trip.
She doesn't see how staying in contact with him just continues their bond, and that if and when she stops the contact, she'll still feel the withdrawal pains. She thinks she's avoiding the pain of completely separating from him, but the truth is (if she ends up with me), she's only postponing it.
I'm sure she wants to see him. That's what I worry about the most, in not confronting her. It seems to me that eventually she will, and then the A will go from a simmer back to a boil.
I think that she's also pretty sure that I won't do anything drastic "if" I find out. Maybe I've shown too much love. Other than in perhaps my earliest rages in the days after D-day, I've never suggested that I want anything other than to have her back, to have our M back. Maybe she wouldn't feel so free to take advantage of me if I drew some lines in the sand.
I'm sick of feeling like this, sick of not being able to concentrate at work, sick of not being able to be normal around her (both because of the past A, and because of the present), sick of not being able to sleep (I think I've probably averaged less than 5 hours a night in the last 4 months, I used to get 7), and totally sick of not being able to think about anything else.
I do try to concentrate on the baby steps that have been achieved. Heck, there have even been some pretty large steps. But maybe they are only really significant to me. Maybe she doesn't see things like being willing to hold my hand, or seduce me like she used to, or even say ILY as being the cosmic wonders that I think of them. Maybe it's all just a charade, or her version of trying. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.
Sorry for the rambling. I'll try to be more cogent in the future.
Well, the confrontation over my W's secret cellphone is going to happen today. I got an email from the cellphone company that someone had changed the account password, which could only mean that my W had accessed the account on-line, which in turn meant that she would see that I had accessed the account. I then called her. She wouldn't take the call then, but later called me back. We're going to talk after she gets home in about an hour.
I've been rehearsing what to say for about 2 1/2 weeks now (ever since I found out about the phone), but I still feel somewhat unprepared for this. Be it hereby resolved, I'm not going to get angry, I'm not going to react badly to her excuses for continuing to contact the OG and lying to me about it, and I'm going to try to remember my goals. Awhile back, I listed by goals as follows:
1. Get my marriage back 2. Get it back wholely 3. Get it back as quickly as possible 4. Without sacrificing too much of myself in the process
This is going to be an important discussion in regards to all 4. I feel like if I'm too tough and demanding, I may be sacrificing #3, and maybe #'s 1 and 2. On the other hand, it's time to draw some clearer boundaries, so that I don't lose out on #4. Does this make sense to anybody else?
It oughta go without saying, but I'll make sure that she understands that I'm not willing to share her. I was willing to let her contact him for awhile and just try to DB, but no more. It's time, hon, to really commit yourself to our M, time to let go of whatever fantasy you had about the OG.
She may get angry that I snooped; I need to be ready to handle that without getting angry myself. Will she be able to see how little a thing it is that I snooped in comparison to her continuing to call him and lie to me?
I'm confident (maybe too confident) that she will agree to do what I want, and not do anything drastic. What I can't know, of course, is what will happen next. Will she follow through or is she too weak?
Well, best not get ahead of myself. Need to just worry about this conversation. I'll let you know how it goes.
"On the other hand, it's time to draw some clearer boundaries, so that I don't lose out on #4. Does this make sense to anybody else?"
It does to me. I think that everyone has to progress within the boundries of their own situation and operate with the dynamics of their own relationship in mind. So long as you present your question in a civil manner, it would seem to me that you are respecting yourself as well as your W. Only you can decide if your relationship is now in a position that it can handle this step you want to take.
I've had to confront my H about his cell phone activity too, not because someone had a gun to my head, but because I knew it was time. I would have to say that so far, I'm glad I did. I have reached a point in my dbing efforts where I must begin to draw small but visible lines.
