Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[saffie]

GH,

You do know that with the HIV testing you get tested now and in 6 months time don't you? You really need to use barrier protection for that 6 month period and until the 6 month test results are back - for both of your sakes.

Regarding withdrawl from the OM - I think it varies from one situation to another. Once she comes back to you personally I would say there needs to be NO contact with OM at all. She may suffer withdrawl symptoms after that but from what I have seen with other people's sitchs, the no contact is VERY important; otherwise they get sucked back in. She is probably using this weekend to break the news to him. I think you can spend a lot of time second guessing her but in the end you have to watch how she behaves.

I was very lucky in my sitch that once my H said it was over it was, (as far as I know), and there was no contact with OW, I never snooped before he told me about the A and I didn't afterwards. To be honest, although I thought about it a couple of times, I did decide that I had to take what my H was saying in good faith unless something really felt wrong to me. He really hasn't done anything since that has made me feel that way. I have got terribly insecure at times and he has always talked it through with me. At some, point I belive, you have to take a leap of faith. My C told me that after what has happened I would be so finely tuned to any changes that I would spot cheating in the future; I believe him - I have to- I would go mad otherwise.

I had half expected my H to take strogly against OW when he recommitted. I wanted him to say that he realised what a manipulative b!tch she was.... yadda, yadda, yadda. When that didn't happen I was really hurt. Don't get me wrong, he was very supportive of me and put lots of effort into getting the M back on track, but I REALLY NEEDED him to diss the OW. It actually happened almost a year after I found out about the A. One day, out of the blue, he apologised once again and talked about the OW and what he felt about her now. It was music to my ears and all the better for not having been prompted by me. (OW was extremely manipulative. My H is Chief Exec of his Co and she wanted the position and cash - not really the man). It was very hard for my H to realise that she didn't really want HIM - that really hurt. It takes time for the shine to go, is what I am trying to say-even when their head tells them they are doing the right thing by committing back to the M.

Your W sounds like she is saying the right things. I know this weekend trip is painful, but until you know more I would really give her the benefit of the doubt - otherwise I would think you will always be wondering what if? It sounds as though you have a real chance at making this work. Realising your own mistakes and rectifying them is an excellent position to be in. I did lots of things 'wrong' in my M, and I feel bad about the things I did, but I also know why the M went south and so I was able to change. Knowing what went wrong makes me feel more secure as I have been able to change and sort things out - if I hadn't known why I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At some point you will have to stop snooping and trust. It will happen. Until then be very careful if you snoop - if she is genuine and she finds out it will cause friction. Play it by ear.

it is a pleasure to 'chat' to you and I will keep my fingers crossed it goes ok.