Bri, Father's Day was fine, I spent it w the kids by myself as always, H always has to work, just about every holiday except Xmas Eve & Xmas, Labor & Memorial Day & the 4th. The kids & I made h a card & served h breakfast in bed before work(Sunday is an early day) I also made h a card just from me.
H came home after work, a 12 hr day & seemed to be weird I don't know. Said h was just tired (probably very true) but youi know me all this stuff running through my head. I like you wish I could make it stop.
I was going to ask if you got what you wanted for Father's Day (your 3 little words) but didn't want to make you feel bad if it hadn't happened, I am so trilled for you. I told you it would happen when you least expected it. I know what you mean about not believing your ears.
The hostess job would be a permenent thing if I choose, but it will kind of be temporary due to the fact that my H will have to watch the kids, bring them to work for h to start h shift (which mine will be ending) I'll take them home. We don't have a sitter & can't afford daycare. My H used to watch them before when I worked but could not get enough sleep, it effected h, us everything. So I went casual then eventually quit. It wsn't worth it. I definatly do not want that to happen & put a damper on everything. But we really do need the money & it was h idea not mine. That is if I do get the job it is not definate, but I have a really good chance (because of H) So if it works ok if not that's ok too. I really do need this for me, it's hard to home everyday w kids, funny I think alot of women would want it to be that way. The other down fall will be that I won't see my H as much as I do now, I don't want that to do any harm either. Oh boy I get so tired of worrying & trying to be perfect & make everything perfect I think I make myself crazy.
I also know what you mean about my H leaving the house to do something Or me leaving to do something (without eachother) or H leaving alittle early for work or hell even me going to bed before h does (I'm always afraid that h be calling the OW) even though the last months cell phone bill says otherwise. I even thought that maybe s only calls h because h knows I see the numbers called but I keep telling myself that would probably be totally unrealistic considering the calls were between 70-90 before. What do you think?
I don't have any suggestions about our panic attacks & I was never one to relax (it's just not in me) I do try though. I wish I had some ideas on the matter I sure would try to use them. I really really wish I could talk to my H about how I feel & hope h would give me alittle reasurance, but I am to afraid to because in h mind h probably thinks things are going well so why would I be drugging everything back up again even though I wouldn't be totally (there are somethings I won't even touch) I even thought about writing h a letter I do that alot when I need to express myself, but I am not so sure what h think of that either. See how I worry & analize everything. Crazy huh?
Well I am so sorry this is such along post, but this is the only place I can vent. I hope you have a wonderful night & many more ILY. ~~K~~
