A bit of journaling at a rather late hour. I'm at our beach house, its a place that I have found a lot of comfort, peace, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, frustration, in short it's a place I've experienced a lot of emotions when I've been here alone. For my long time DB friends, you'll remember I spent a great deal of time in 2007 here, especially after I was laid off. Sadly I haven't been here since November or December, a really long time.
So what do I feel mostly here? Closeness with God. I love to go out on the beach late at night, the stars out, the waves rolling, no one about. It's where I can sit or walk and really talk with God. For whatever reason that's where I can really feel him with me more than anywhere else.
So tonight after I got here, I went out on the beach and just sat. On the 2.5 hour drive down a couple of thoughts started to become clear to me once again. I realized I had become really confused, my mind clouded and I didn't even realize it. What came clear was I am not done, I don't want to be done, I want to soldier on. I know once she starts to find herself she'll be able to clearly see the good things and how she, we, can be together again enjoying such great feelings, supporting each other, loving each other, being happy together.
Right now she's about as distant emotionally as she's ever been. But I can see it in her eyes, I can see deep inside there that's she's not done yet either. But her clouded head is overriding her heart. She needs to still let the clouds clear so her feelings can shine through. So she can see and believe.
So I pray for her tonight, pray for our girls, pray for myself and pray for all my friends here.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
