Oh so hard!!! I was going through some boxes in the attic before he gets back here tomorrow & I found the first Xmas card he ever gave me (I save stuff like that), before we got married. He wrote some beautiful things in it. This is just some of it: "There is no way that I can express my feelings for you in words that do justice." He also said: "I know now that I can have happiness and I can be loved without having to be anything but myself." & then the last line was: "I give you something that you must never give back and you must take good care of. I give you my heart." It was so sweet!!! Now he is pretending to be someone he is not with her, or at least I think he is, I'm just not sure right now. Part of me thinks I'll never see him again & then another part of me feels like he will be back. He doesn't seem to trust me right now. He had some papers that he wanted shredded, so I said I would do it (I have a shredder) he said no, I can do it. There is something about him that seems like he is not trusting me right now. I've always been trust worthy but I guess it's because I snooped & found out about OW. I also got into his work emails & saw lots of explicit emails from & to her. I did that so my lawyer would have the proof of his affair. Yes, I know I could have gotten in trouble for that & I almost did, but since we didn't go to court it was dropped. I didn't hack into it, I just knew him so well that I figured out his password. I don't recommend it for those of you out there, how I got caught was I emailed them to myself, then deleted everything but apparently his work has some sort of back up that can see when emails are deleted. So, that's when he knew he was busted.

So, today I asked him if I could have one of the hedge trimmers, we have 2. He said yes, then he said but be really careful & don't get your fingers close to it or get the electric cord in it. So, it did seem like he was concerned about me having it & getting hurt on it. He talked right then like we were still M & he was watching out for me. Since he has wanted D he hasn't seem to care what happened to me.

He did ask how the dogs were doing, I told him about our oldest having some kidney failure & he seemed upset & concerned, she has been more my dog tho & hasn't had as much to do with him. The younger one is crazy about me but she loves him too & he has always been closer to her. She was all over him today, he kept petty her & telling her that he really missed her. She has missed him too, she keeps looking for him.

I still just can't understand what kind of hold this OW has on him & how he could be taken in by her & so fast!! I'm sorry this is so long & I've probably repeated myself but I just needed to vent!!! And get everyone's imput. Thank you all so much for being there for me. After I get through this weekend I want to read all your threads, I'm sure I can't give as good of advice as all of you have done me, but I sure can support you all!!!