The Best Way to End it All?

[Lord Grenville]

I am looking for guidance on how to best move through what appears to be the ending weeks of my marriage to my WAW who is in MLC, and wanting to finalize the ending our marriage.

We went to divorce mediation this past Monday for the seventh time, and after two hours, we came to agreement on all the financial aspects of splitting up, but before leaving, I couldn't prevent myself from saying that there is an alternative to divorce. I reminded her of the Retrouvaille program in our region this weekend, but she had already said "No" to it two weeks ago, and she again said she would not be willing to go.

So this is where I am....

On one hand, I could simply agree to the dissolution of my marriage through a mediated agreement that might be finalized rather quickly. This would make my W happy and I would do quite well in the settlement. I could maintain a friendship on good terms and wait to see if the R with the OM falls apart in the coming months.

On the other hand,

I do not want to just give her an easy path to abandoning me and beginning a new life with another man. If she wants to end the marriage, making her file for divorce and face the reality that she is the one ending our marriage is more in line with my convictions of staying true to my marriage vows. However, in this no-fault state, I know I would only be delaying the inevitable, and there is the risk that she would develop a lot of resentment and anger toward me, and she also might end up getting a lawyer that would toss out our mediated agreement and try to get her a better financial result.

My strategy had been to be very patient and buy as much time as possible. I managed to stretch the mediation process for 8 months. Unfortunately, the R between my W and OM continues, and I am not sure which of the two paths above I should choose.

*******************************

For those who would like to know more of my situation, and who don't mind reading on, here is a synopsis of my two previous threads that ran in SSM:

A few weeks after the December 2006 bomb of my W saying "she wanted to be alone" I peeked in her journal and saw that she had already been thinking about divorce - she was hoping we could end the marriage through mediation and remain friends afterwards.

The reason I was so "shocked and awed" by her bomb is that my W had never once communicated any dissatisfaction in our marriage. We shared common goals and dreams; we were best friends and lovers, and I thought we were soulmates. She had never indicated that she had any needs not being met.

In February 2007, after I discovered my W was having an affair, she moved out to her brother's house, and then into her own apartment. We stopped MC a few weeks after that because she had made up her mind that she wanted to end the marriage, and she was beginning to have OM over to her apartment (he lives about 3 1/2 hours away in NY). MC was not helpful, and was really just a waste of money at that point.

I moved forward in GALing, opened an art gallery in my town with a couple of artist friends, and also finally secured a full-time job in graphic design. I went quite dim during the weekdays, but I was seeing my W about once a week on Sundays at our church. We occasionally would have breakfast before church, or lunch afterwards, and it was easy to remain friendly since I was avoiding all relationship talks, however, her plans to end our marriage never wavered.

In August 2007, my W requested we meet with a mediator. I agreed to do so, primarily because the mediator told me she also worked as a couples counselor and would be willing to do a hybrid kind of counseling / mediation for us. Also, I was aware of a Retrouvaille weekend that was a few weeks away, and I hoped I could negotiate a way for her to agree to go to.

I stopped posting to my thread in the SSM forum around this time.

My W told me in our second mediation session she felt Retrouvaille would not be a positive experience for her, and would not attend.

**************************

Fast forward > > > 8 months later > > >

Actually, I should mention the following MLC reinforcing experiences which have occurred during the past 8 months:

* MIL was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation for cancer treatment over the course of about 5 months. She is doing better now.

* W's uncle has been fighting multiple cancers, and is not faring well.

* My W had significant surgery in December to remove fibroids (one as large as 10 cm). I visited her in the hospital, and for a few weeks around that time, I called her daily, but I transitioned back to a place of giving her space and contacting her very little.

* In January, FIL was in dire need of a liver transplant. He was VERY fortunate to receive a transplant as his doctors said later he was about a week from death. However, the side effects from anti-rejection medication cause the shakes, and he has difficulty speaking at times. I have not seen him in over a year, but I imagine his appearance would cause my W to reflect on mortality.

**************************

My W has never given me any reason(s) for her decision to end our marriage. In past months when I have asked her what in our marriage is irreparable or irreconcilable, she said that "she cannot give me a laundry list".

In mediation this past week, she said "once things are resolved (she still can't even bring herself to use the word "divorce") then maybe we can have some discussions around this." So she won't tell me why she has decided to end the marriage, until after the marriage is ended?!

Oh, the joys of MLC.

Thanks to all who have read this far, and who might have some advice about the best way for me to proceed.

LG