The Best Way to End it All?

[Lord Grenville]

I am looking for guidance on how to best move through what appears to be the ending weeks of my marriage to my WAW who is in MLC, and wanting to finalize the ending our marriage.

We went to divorce mediation this past Monday for the seventh time, and after two hours, we came to agreement on all the financial aspects of splitting up, but before leaving, I couldn't prevent myself from saying that there is an alternative to divorce. I reminded her of the Retrouvaille program in our region this weekend, but she had already said "No" to it two weeks ago, and she again said she would not be willing to go.

So this is where I am....

On one hand, I could simply agree to the dissolution of my marriage through a mediated agreement that might be finalized rather quickly. This would make my W happy and I would do quite well in the settlement. I could maintain a friendship on good terms and wait to see if the R with the OM falls apart in the coming months.

On the other hand,

I do not want to just give her an easy path to abandoning me and beginning a new life with another man. If she wants to end the marriage, making her file for divorce and face the reality that she is the one ending our marriage is more in line with my convictions of staying true to my marriage vows. However, in this no-fault state, I know I would only be delaying the inevitable, and there is the risk that she would develop a lot of resentment and anger toward me, and she also might end up getting a lawyer that would toss out our mediated agreement and try to get her a better financial result.

My strategy had been to be very patient and buy as much time as possible. I managed to stretch the mediation process for 8 months. Unfortunately, the R between my W and OM continues, and I am not sure which of the two paths above I should choose.

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For those who would like to know more of my situation, and who don't mind reading on, here is a synopsis of my two previous threads that ran in SSM:

A few weeks after the December 2006 bomb of my W saying "she wanted to be alone" I peeked in her journal and saw that she had already been thinking about divorce - she was hoping we could end the marriage through mediation and remain friends afterwards.

The reason I was so "shocked and awed" by her bomb is that my W had never once communicated any dissatisfaction in our marriage. We shared common goals and dreams; we were best friends and lovers, and I thought we were soulmates. She had never indicated that she had any needs not being met.

In February 2007, after I discovered my W was having an affair, she moved out to her brother's house, and then into her own apartment. We stopped MC a few weeks after that because she had made up her mind that she wanted to end the marriage, and she was beginning to have OM over to her apartment (he lives about 3 1/2 hours away in NY). MC was not helpful, and was really just a waste of money at that point.

I moved forward in GALing, opened an art gallery in my town with a couple of artist friends, and also finally secured a full-time job in graphic design. I went quite dim during the weekdays, but I was seeing my W about once a week on Sundays at our church. We occasionally would have breakfast before church, or lunch afterwards, and it was easy to remain friendly since I was avoiding all relationship talks, however, her plans to end our marriage never wavered.

In August 2007, my W requested we meet with a mediator. I agreed to do so, primarily because the mediator told me she also worked as a couples counselor and would be willing to do a hybrid kind of counseling / mediation for us. Also, I was aware of a Retrouvaille weekend that was a few weeks away, and I hoped I could negotiate a way for her to agree to go to.

I stopped posting to my thread in the SSM forum around this time.

My W told me in our second mediation session she felt Retrouvaille would not be a positive experience for her, and would not attend.

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Fast forward > > > 8 months later > > >

Actually, I should mention the following MLC reinforcing experiences which have occurred during the past 8 months:

* MIL was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation for cancer treatment over the course of about 5 months. She is doing better now.

* W's uncle has been fighting multiple cancers, and is not faring well.

* My W had significant surgery in December to remove fibroids (one as large as 10 cm). I visited her in the hospital, and for a few weeks around that time, I called her daily, but I transitioned back to a place of giving her space and contacting her very little.

* In January, FIL was in dire need of a liver transplant. He was VERY fortunate to receive a transplant as his doctors said later he was about a week from death. However, the side effects from anti-rejection medication cause the shakes, and he has difficulty speaking at times. I have not seen him in over a year, but I imagine his appearance would cause my W to reflect on mortality.

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My W has never given me any reason(s) for her decision to end our marriage. In past months when I have asked her what in our marriage is irreparable or irreconcilable, she said that "she cannot give me a laundry list".

In mediation this past week, she said "once things are resolved (she still can't even bring herself to use the word "divorce") then maybe we can have some discussions around this." So she won't tell me why she has decided to end the marriage, until after the marriage is ended?!

Oh, the joys of MLC.

Thanks to all who have read this far, and who might have some advice about the best way for me to proceed.

LG

[lodo]

Hi LG,

I think it's great you're so committed. You should continue doing what you think is best.

In some regards, my sitch resembles yours. I've decided the best I can do is agree with W to ending M and move on. I'll admit that part of this is "acting as if" - what can I realistically expect by working so hard for many months on a relationship, when a R takes two people. Especially when W is having A. The other part of my approach is that the state I'm in requires a 6 month waiting period before D is finalized. I think I can work on myself and be the best I can be and if something changes in her and she's willing to do as much work on herself as I am on myself, then there's something to talk about. If not, I need to find a partner, not someone I sacrifice myself to. I'm going to pursue my OWN path, not look to her for approval. That will either repair or end our M.

That's my $.02. Wish I could be more helpful but these are such hard decisions. lodo

[Sara]

LG,

If we are voting, I vote for the quick and easy end to the marriage. I can't advise you, the choice is yours to make. You have seemed to suffer the last 8 months or so. But I can't see inside your life to say what is the best thing for you.

[TRUSTING]

Speaking from someone who faced the exact same thing.

I am divorced now, have been since December 21, 2007.

He needed to end the marriage.

He is now slowly waking up, being much more civil and starting to see some positives in me.

I have GAL, am very active, and continue to maintain my home and children.

Relationship with OW is fading, lust is going away, she is becoming more controlling as he shows more interest in his family and me.

He needed to lose the marriage and continue the mid life journey.

Financially take what is best for you. Always though make it clear this is not what you want. Go dark after the divorce. That is my opinion and what has worked best for me.

[forward]

I would not give up the financial end of things in order to play nice, esp. if you have been the nice responsible one in the marriage.

I was reading advice from a D lawyer, and one of the Don'ts was to play nice so your WAW would see what a great person you are.

She will not have to face her situation fully that way, either.

[cagzmom]

I hear your words and wow you sound very strong. Somethign my C said yesterday has really helped - and I hope it helps you. In my state we have to wait 1 year before the D can be filed- my H is passive agressive and probably wouldn't file -- I am going to.

I am NOT rushing happily to the court house. We still have some final little mediation things to clear up (which should happen this week). I think there is a point where you decide what is good and healthy for you!

If you can move on, have dignity and self respect and wait on her then do it. We can file and still love them- and if your marriage was to be restored it will be a NEW one.

Dont RUSH into anything...but follow your heart- YOURS. Bibilically you know you are free to divorce. It truly is her burden --

I am sorry you have to walk this - it is so so hard.

[Lord Grenville]

Hi Lodo, Sara, Trusting, Breton39 and Cagzmom,

Thank you all for your comments and recommendations.

For a couple of months, I have had a feeling, or intuitive future-feeling, that my marriage will have to end before my W wakes up to what she is doing, and possibly reconsiders returning to rebuild a new R with me.

That is why I am willing to consider the mediated dissolution of our marriage. But even if I go that route, I am not going to be rushing into it.

W drove up here ealier today for the purpose of closing a joint credit card account with me, and dividing up 20 years worth of collected artworks, artbooks and music CDs. She was friendly and cheerful, and I reciprocated likewise.

Over the course of 5 hours, we shared brunch, smiles, lunch and laughs, and yet there we were - dividing up so many material items, each one tied to so many memories, feelings and tones. This is how it has been for well over a year now. We have no problems getting along and treating each other kindly and conversing about a variety of topics. Yet, outwardly, she has never wavered in moving toward her goal of terminating our marriage, and I continue to grapple with the absurdity of this entire situation.

Even though I have been DBing really well, following the LRT and only having one regretable verbal exchange in 15 months - W has not shown any signs of any baby steps back to me. And after rejecting the third consecutive Retrouvaille program in 13 months, I really am feeling like there is nothing else for me to do.

Trusting and Cagzmom, I find it interesting that we 3 have all been married for 20 years. You both communicate hope despite seeing your marriages end(ing). I believe I can also hold onto hope and continue standing after my marriage dissolves.

Do any of you see any benefits to making my W file and drag this out over many more months, when she has made it clear that she does not want to want to work on the marriage at all, and that she is not even capable of revealing or communicating those inner portions of herself that has brought us to this point?

LG

[Lord Grenville]

I saw my cognitive therapist this evening after work, and after talking with him, I am feeling a little more inclined to go the route of the quicker mediated dissolution of my marriage, rather than try to drag this out with lawyers and delaying tactics.

If my wife is determined to move forward with getting a mediated agreement filed then I will cooperate. If she does not move on it, I will sit back and be patient like I have been.

For those who have been through this, I have a question about the timing of financial settlements.

Through mediation, we have come to agreement on the dollar figures for my buying my wife's half of our Toyota, our loft space and art studio equipment and art materials.

Would I wait to apply for a mortgage until we know the papers have been filed with the State?
and
When does the actual financial transfer take place - only after a divorce has been granted?

I realize I will need to consult with an attorney, but I thought I would put this question out here tonight.

Thanks,

LG

[TRUSTING]

No, I see no benefits in dragging it out. Some have to go through the divorce to feel the consequences of their actions. Dragging it out just looks more "controlling" to the mid lifer and they hate that. They build up more resentment because you are not giving them what they want.

During the divorce proceedings I kept interjecting repeatedly that "I did not want the divorce". I stalled it somewhat but made it look like I was complying with what he wanted, but still verbally stated my objections.

[cat03]

ditto with the above, it will just get uglier (any D is ugly on its own) Even as I cooperate with my own SA (we are doing mediation) I'm also called "bitter" by stbx when I used to bring up old stuff in a failed attempt to *make him see* how wrong a D is for a family (I have since realized stbx is truly miserable and unable to be the loving H I want and a ft dad for the kids)

and I continue to grapple with the absurdity of this entire situation.

I hear you, it is mind boggling and this is an issue that is very hard to deal with, because us, the LBS want to make to sense out of it...when truly you just CANT, it is crystal clear to us, how salvageable our Ms are, but they live in another reality and their logic just doesn't and might never make sense.

When does the actual financial transfer take place - only after a divorce has been granted?

My separation agreement is almost done, we put dates on when things should be done, let's say, in your case you both decide that you'll buy her out (about the car) in installments in the next 5mths. After the SA is signed and final it is a legal document, you both agreed to its terms and follow its timeline.
Right now, I'm buying out stbx's share of our home, the SA isn't final yet (soon, just ironing out a few details), but he's already giving me the agreed amount in CSupport and I've already gave him the first installment for his share.

I dont' see how applying for a mortgage would interfere with the sep. paperwork, are you wanting to buy a place now?