This morning, H, who physically moved out about 4 weeks ago, was in a separate room for 3 months before that, and told me ILYBNILWY in July 07, said (over the phone) he was "probably" ready to file for divorce. After 11 years and 2 kids, just like that. I always knew this was a distinct possibility, but hearing those words was like another knife in my heart- I didn't go to work, and I've been crying for 5 hours now. I don't know what to do. Then he called and said we should talk some more, and that we shouldn't call the lawyers yet. What does that mean? He said he couldn't get his physical feelings back for me, and nothing has changed in the last 8 months. I said nothing changes on its own, you have to try to make changes. He again said he doesn't know if he can, and there's just nothing there. I can't take this constant pain. What am I waiting for here? He keeps saying nothing has changed, but he'll do nothing about it. I'm GAL, but I see him all the time because of the kids. I can't imagine raising these two kids without him, or with someone else. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of crying.
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
I haven't had time to read your whole thread ... but if what you are doing isn't working why not try a 180.
You need to put up some boundaries and stop letting him upset you.Do it for your children if noting else. Give him set times to visit and call.
Give yourself some space .. a break, Go dark on him for a while.
Take care NC
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Well he doesn't sound like he knows what he wants.
So what does that tell you?
Not trying to be funny or cute here, I would really like your answer.
GAL doesn't mean you don't see him or interact with him. It just means your not moping around the house keeping the home fires burning waxing away until he comes home. It means you are out there enjoying your life, learning stuff and having a good time.
NC or Going Dark/Dim that means you limit contact.
As for crying? I'm a guy, I really hope some wonderfully wise woman posts here soon for you KPK, but as a guy...You are not tired enough of crying to stop. That wasn't meant to be harsh, reading it it sounds that way, but it really wasn't. You will stop crying, when you are ready to.
You asked a question we cannot answer, maybe you should.
Why are you waiting?
I can offer reasons, but only you have the answer.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 04/11/0806:55 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks NC. I have issues connecting threads sometimes, so I've got several posts in this forum previously- sorry! Mine's the typical MLC case, he's not been happy, it's all my fault, ILYBNILWY, no attraction left, he needs to find "fundamental happiness", etc... I just freaked when D came out of his mouth this morning- I know I need to pull it together. Thanks for the reply.
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
hugs)))))))) I know, it is unfair, it is awful... and you WILL survive it, just like all of us here in the DB boards, I have two kids and I'm surviving it, I sure as heck would've love to have him in the family, but without him I still have a loving family and two little ones who adore me to pieces, just like you.
And it wasn't "just like that", in his mind, he's been emotionally gone for a while, I know you've been holding on to dear life hoping that he'll turn back and want to stay but *his* reality is much different than your hon.
Quote:
He again said he doesn't know if he can, and there's just nothing there. . .He keeps saying nothing has changed, but he'll do nothing about it.
This is my story too, H stopped sleeping with me, for 6mths it was like having a room mate, at MC he'd tell the MC he just couldnt' find it in him to be loving or affectionate towards me, the MC explain to him you ccan't have loving feelings back if you *dont* act loving. H always read that as pressure, and our R didn't improve, I understand what you are saying. Whatever his hang up is, he is refusing to take steps, not because you are not worth/deserving of his love, is that he has nothing to give, he's prob empty inside.
The first step is to let go of your fear, you CAN make it, you WILL be happy, with or without him, I know it is horribly hard to even think of a future without the person whom you thought would never leave, but in order to regain some sanity, some normalcy, for your children! you must believe in yourself.
He said he prob wants D, that still means nothing, when my H first left he had a L and all (back in 05), but he even dropped him down the line, so talking D doesn't mean it will happen. Perhaps your H needs to reach rock bottom to see where his unhappiness is coming from. All is not lost.
Now dry your tears and be that strong person you can be, you will be alright.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You're still kinda early on in this. I know it hurts. I know at times you can't believe it's happening. We've been there and we made/are making it. You will too.
Jack's right. Your H is confused. Mine even said she was confused. He doesn't feel in love with you, yet he's not really sure he wants a D or he would be moving forward with it.
It's going to get better and easier for you. It just takes time. Limit contact with him if you must to protect yourself. Even with kids you can find ways to limit contact. Focus on your children do things to take your mind off H. Fun, healthy things for you.
You are going to make it no matter the outcome.
Last edited by sleeper; 04/11/0811:30 PM.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Jack- He definitely doesn't know what he wants, and that tells me he's still in the middle of his crisis, if he's even having one; nothing I can do for him. And I didn't read your words as harsh-what i really meant was I'm tired of feeling like crying. Sometimes I give in, like today big time, most of the time I don't. And why am I waiting- hope, I guess. Because before all this he was a wonderful husband, and I can't see myself without him.
Cat- Thanks for the hugs. Sounds like you've lived my life almost exactly! (except my H won't go to counseling) I've told him the same thing- if you don't act loving, you won't get those feelings back. He doesn't buy it- he's just expecting some sort of epiphany (or not). If that's what he's expecting, it's not going to happen. I do think he's empty inside, and has no idea why (although he likes to blame all his problems on me). And you're right, I am afraid, and I need to get over it. I'm about to turn 40, with 2 young children, and starting over terrifies me; dating terrifies me more (if there are men out there that date 40 year olds with little kids :)) I see from your post you've been here a while, been through a lot, and that you're now legally separated. Where do you think you're going from here?
Sometimes I think he wants me to make the decision for him, so he doen't have to feel like the bad guy.
Thanks again.
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
Hi Sleeper- didn't see your post before I just posted. Thank you too. I know, it's early days, it just feels like an eternity. I'll make it one way or another! ANd I'm starting to try and limit contact, even with the kids- cutting the calls short, no e-mail unless about the kids, etc... And I recently took up Kendo (Japanese sword fighting) which is great for the anger side of things! As I said above, I just didn't expect to be 40 and in this situation- I know it's just a number, but it's a big one!
Thank again.
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
Good for you! You've already got a life! Kendo sounds cool. I tried karate once back when I was a few years younger and not nearly in as good a shape as I am now. Hurt my neck doing backrolls so bad I never went back.
Any exercise is good for purging out negativity. 40 IS just a number. If you keep it up you'll feel better and be in better health than you were at a younger age and really know it!
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Just wanted to say that I am so sorry for all the hurt and tears you are feeling right now. I can really identify with so many of the things you were sharing in your post. I'm about 4 months in with my WAW and it's a tough journey. I was feeling very much like my W. is waiting for some kind of epiphany too, and this is really frustrating.
The crying feels terrible, but just let it happen. It's going to take some time but in the interim use this board to vent, post about your hurt, fears, concerns. I've found it to be a very compassionate and caring place. Though our situations are all different, many features are very similar, and we are all trying to find our way through a most devastating experience.
Please keep posting and know that it is normal to feel like you are going crazy in this whole thing.
