don't know what the future holds. I can not get her to MC as she doesn't feel that will teach her anything that she doesn't already know, we did go to one about 2 months after the seperation and she says she didn't get anything from it.
This is kind of funny to me b/c that was what the counselor I went to the first time told me. After talking to me she said she could not tell me anything that I did not already know. Now, what she meant by that is that I have read a lot of books on the subject of M and R over many years. I have a feeling your W has done the same thing, so that is what she means. She feels that she has read and studied everything about the subject and the the C could not tell her anything new that she hasn't already read or heard. She has probably been doing this for many years that you didn't even have a clue about.
Ping, you know I speak bluntly at times, so I'm going to say this and I think you are man enough to take a 2x4 up against your head. You have said in more than one post that you were a big jerk in the M and that you controlled her and just did not treat her well at all. You gave most of your time to the boys instead of investing in the MR and filling her "love bank". I have told others that females are likes roses and if you don't feed and water them....they will wilt and die. Men don't seem to get that! Wives put up with the bad attitudes, abuse, control, neglect, or whatever the H may be doing for years......and then she has had enough. When she is drained of all her feelings of desire, love, etc., she just wants to end it. Then the man doesn't understand what has happen to his wife! He gets frantic and does all the wrong things to try to get her to stay with him and it pushes her away.
Some of the men find their way to this board and seek help.....like you did. That is good. They buy Michelle's DR book....that is great! But, they can't get it into their thick heads that what the wife put up with for years and years cannot be undone in a few weeks or even months. You were a jerk! You admitted it. So, what did you expect? Did you think that a few talks would work magic and she would melt at your feet and be all so happy to live with you again? You see, you wanted to fix her! You are the one that you need to focus on to get "fixed" and allow her time to do her own self improvement.
I'm not trying to sound like a bitch......I'm trying to get your eyes open, Ping. I am a woman and I know how your W is feeling and thinking. She went so many years of just enduring the R and was very unhappy, but she probably did a good job of "covering up" her true feelings. You manipulated her. She had no freedom or to use her own mind and free will. Of course she lost herself and didn't know who she was. You did not allow her to know that b/c you controlled everything! You did not feed the rose and she wilted and died. You drained all the love from her "love bank" and never made any "deposits".....so now she is empty.
So, what do you do? You have asked that several times. You start all over, Ping. Start fresh. You become the man she once fell in love with and that means a lot of hard work and not magic and not in a few months. I personally think you will have to just start a brand new R with her b/c she will not re-enter what was there before. You messed up big time! She does not trust you. I don't blame her for leaving you. I would not have put up with you for a month b/c I am the type of woman that will use her own free volition and no H is going to manipulate my life. I believe in a W showing respect for her H and I believe in him being the head of the home. But I also believe that he should love his W and put her first in his life and cherish her with all of his being. You did not do that and you certainly did not show her that she was cherished.
Now that I have give you a beating, let me say that if I did not care what happen to you and your family, I would not be sitting here typing my fingers off when I should be getting ready for bed. We have tried to encourage you and give you hope. Your W has not done things the way she should either. She got her freedom, but she still is not happy. So, she has to have time to "find herself" and know who she is.....find her identity apart from you. You took that away from her, so now you owe her that time to get herself together. We have told you to work on yourself and improve yourself, well, she has to do the same thing. But, you are still falling apart and have not calm down to the point of being "cool" (as the kids say). Time, Ping, time...time....and more time. Look how many years you were together. And don't dare even to think about getting into another R with a woman! That would be the worst thing you could do at this point. That (a R with OW) is what would endorse her feelings that you never really loved her........it wouldn't be applying the DB like you thought in the beginning.
Okay, about the boys walking home from school, the clothes, etc. She was out of line about the clothes. If they are with you for the weekend, you should be able to call the shots as to what the kids wear. When they are with her, she makes that decision, but not when they are with you. The walking home is a fear she has b/c of all the crap she hears on the news about kids disappearing and never being found again. It is b/c she is a mother and she wasn't raised like a boy......so it is hard for her not to be over protective. Try to understand that. You said there were about a 100 kids walking home in that community....but are they all in a large group from the time they leave school until your kids reach home, or do your boys have a distance to walk alone? Anyway, you two will just have to reach some type of compromise about that.
I did not say what I have to make you mad........just to try to wake you up and see the light. You are trying, but you are still very impatient and can't accept that it is going to take a long time. If you feel that she is the most valuable person on earth.....you will work your ass off to become the man she fell in love with and you will draw her back...the right way. It will take some convincing for her to see and trust you again. Is she worth it? Can you do the work and wait the time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
