She's not mad that I am reading or trying, she's upset that it took her filing for divorce to get me to really see and notice that I needed to do something.
Hi M i've been reading your story, and I see this all over the show. Why did it take a D to make you change? The thing is, if I understand DBing correctly ANY partner can be the first to change, and that should set the domino effect of changes in the R in motion. My question is: If she needed you to change so badly, why did she not change herself? I am not suggesting you tell your W this. But I do think you should not beat yourself up about this. She is just as guilty as you are for the decline of your R. The difference is that she is not willing to take responsibility to repair what she has helped to break, while you are. Did this D promt her to change? No. But you have changed. You are the hero in this sitch.
I've been beat up pretty bad by my W and it has me questioning myself, wondering if something may be wrong with me mentally. When she delves into the past to bring up past trangressions on my part(withdrawing, issues with baby, not paying enough on the finances...and all the thousands and thousands and thousands of other things I've done) before last December I would have fired back. I would have let my buddy anger sit on my shoulder and I would have fought venom with venom. Well now that a have changed, I listen to her, tell her I understand why she feels that way and don't let my buddy whisper at me and tell me to get pissed....
But,it's making me question myself badly. Making me wonder if I am really as screwed up as she says I am? Everybody around me says I'm not, but they have not lived with me for the last 8 years.
First off your not screwed up that bad because you are seeking answers.
First sign someone is screwed up is they blame other people for most of their problems, second is admit no fault of their own.
Relationships are two way streets, unless you came home, tied her up, slapped her around and threw her down the stairs chances are she did something wrong also.
Yes you weren't perfect, but your working on it, you won't ever be perfect but you are striving for excellence.
People who have a lack of self respect: Take it out on others, verbal abuse, physical sometimes Are usually unhappy most of the time, nothing makes me happy Have affairs because they seek reassurance that someone loves me or finds me attractive. There mantra is "it is my partners job to make me happy" "Your (fill in the blank), made me leave you it is all your fault" I can never forgive you Everyone loves me, you should too. This person will surrond themselves with people that only think their way, they don't want any dissenting opinion.
Self respect: I have faults I need to work on some things I am not perfect nor can I hold someone else to perfections I hold responsibilty for my actions, someone can not make me do something. I am responsible for my own happiness, I do not need others, but I want others in my life to share moments with. I can give forgiveness when it is earned, I seek to earn forgivness from others. I love myself therefor I love others This person will take critizism at times but will also seek those out who foster examples of values they believe in.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
They are just the notice that a party has filed, your not done yet! Hang in there! Don't get mad, signe the acknowledgement and hand it to your wife if you don't have an attorney.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Well, got off work today, met a coworker at the local public golf course and gave him a 30 minute putting lesson. Then over to my mom and dads to break the news to them that W had filed for divorce. Dad is 83, mom is 74. They have treated my W as their own daughter so they were pretty upset. I made it through telling them EVERYTHING without any tears being shed and no one was maimed or injured. Dad did say ohh S**t, you're not very good at this are you?? (marriage). My reply was "evidently not". Sort of hurt me for a moment but I think it was an attempt at humor on his part.
Then onto a town about 30 minutes away where I was to meet my W and D to eat before the Relay for Life event. This was planned before the papers were delivered to me today so I had a choice to make-take the high road and do the event anyway or take the low road and say screw you.. I took the high and went to the event. Had a good time chasing my 2 year old around the local college. Man to be young again..the college girls at this event were something else.
Before the event I ate with the W and D. I asked my W about her day and made small talk then said oh by the way your papers were delivered to my workplace today. I heard a great sucking sound as I heard the air fly out of her lungs. She said, so you stopped at an attorneys office that's why you were late? I said nope, stopped by mom and dads to tell them, W said..And?? I said and what?? W says what did they say..I said their not happy..I told her I was not interested in just a friendship if the Divorce goes forward, I would be nice to her for my D but that would be the extent of our R. I also told her I would not be turning back and that she was free to go find her happiness, that was the extent of the R talk.
One thing I noticed, she's in an awful hurry. May have a shoulder to cry on out there somewhere. I've determined either that's the problem, or she's pre-menopausal or into menopause already, or her hypothyroid is screwing up her hormones. Throw Prozac in that mix and it's no wonder I'm considered the Big Bad Wolf.
My divorce papers are proudly displayed where she will walk by them daily. She has kept her copy hid since the filing. I think she should see mine laying out, just to remind her what she is doing.
Took the high road again just now. Pancake breakfast in the morning. Fund raiser for my parents local Optimist club. I invited my W to join me and D with my mom and dad in the morning. My W is currently siting downstairs trying to figure out just why in the H I would invite her to a pancake breakfast after she had papers served on me at work today..especially after I told my mom and dad she had filed..
Would this be considered unconditional love?? It makes me feel good that I have just did this..
Good for you, has she committed to going? I would think she would probably try to ignore being around your parents right now since they know of your sitch but I could be wrong.
I bet she is wondering what in the world has hit her, these are the type of things she needs to see, let her know you are not bothered by being served as I am sure she is not thinking this is the way you would react.
No, not yet.. But there may just be a slight chance she finds the courage to go. She did mention that she did not want to go because she thinks my mother will corner her. I did remind her that my mother or dad had never interfered in our marriage and that if my mother did do that, that I would be there to put a stop to it.
She thinks my mom and dad will act like her mom and dad..My mom and dad are not my rescuers, they will be there and support me through this but they will not step in to rescue me. I believe her mom and dad already have.
She has the strangest look on her face right now..
