I think we are in a rut

[SJV]

klm, the gratitude journal is a good idea. I had one that I used to write in, but haven't in a while since I started posting to this website.

I just feel like I deserve a grown-up. Someone who is responsible and has the same passion for life and drive that I do. I feel like H is depressing, irresponsible, and does what he can to just get by.

I am in the exact same boat. It's as if I am questioning that if H did want to come back, if I want to go back to holding his hand for EVERYTHING, making sure HE is happy, and HE had a good day. H never got excited about much of anything, and even now on his own, he still doesn't. It's heartbreaking to see it, but at the same time, HE'S the one that made this choice. I hate that I have to do everything now that he's gone, but then again, I realize that I did it all when he was here, and never got any appreciation for it... he lifted a finger here and there, but many times I found it easier to do things myself because it was like pulling hair. He became a lazy, depressed person with no good outlook on life whatsoever, and found that I was the person to blame for it. Especially when I tell him I would rather he not go out to the bars, because he can't have one or two and be home at a reasonable hour. He thought there should be nothing wrong with him finding a place to crash so he could stay out and drink all night, but would be sure to be home by 5:30 so I could go to work... nice guy... there have been too many alcohol related incidents with him to make me queasy everytime he goes out and drinks. But, that too, made me a bad wife who with-held him from enjoying himself.... not to mention he would have to take care of D while I worked a 10 hour day with no sleep and H would have a hang-over... nice parenting a-hole!!!