Well, I backslid bigtime last night. W was running a little late coming home from work so I called her. She said she would be another 15 minutes, but didn't get home until 45 minutes later, mumbling something about unexpected traffic. Yeah, maybe. But of course, I suspected that she was talking to the OG on the "secret" cellphone. So, I decided to see if I could access her account online. Sure enough, I could (these cell companies make it a little too easy). I found out that since she got the phone 11 days ago, she's used it 185 minutes total (or roughly 17 minutes a day). I won't be able to see telephone numbers and dates until the end of the month, but my very strong hunch is that pretty much all of those minutes have been spent talking to him (she has another cellphone for all other calls). It takes no genius to see that she is still lying to me.
I struggled not to confront her, but started losing the battle with myself. When we went to bed, I asked her if she wanted to have a "serious" talk. She said "no". I asked her when she thought it would be a good idea, she said (only half-jokingly) "never". I pointed out that she had said that never being able to haveg R talks was one of the things that was wrong with me, several months ago. She said, "Yeah, I should be careful what I wish for". She then said that our R talks always seem to end in an argument (I don't think that is really true, but I guess it's her perception), and that she didn't want to do anything that would screw things up for our Las Vegas trip. I told her that I didn't think we could keep avoiding our issues for much longer, but I dropped the discussion, temporarily.
But... I woke up around 3am, feeling awful, with the cellphone thing driving me nuts. Sensing that she was awake (she was), I told her that I wanted to talk. She didn't really want to, but didn't get angry, as she has in the past. I told her that I thought that she'd been talking to the OG (I didn't say anything specifically about the cellphone and didn't say it as if I knew for sure), and that I thought that she may also be seeing him. She immediately denied it. Without responding to her, I told her that I thought that she had talked to him last night. I asked her how long it had been since she had seen him. She said, "it's been a long time since I've talked to him or seen him". I didn't ask her to be more specific (what would be the point?).
Here's where it got interesting. In my worst DBing fashion, I asked her if she still wanted to stay married to me. She said, "Yes. Absolutely.", with emphasis on both words. She then moved over, hugged me, and laid on top of me, her head on my shoulder. We drifted off to sleep like that. Later, she changed positions, but pulled my arm around her. We slept intertwined the rest of the night. I gave her a kiss (as I always do) as I left for work, and she woke up and gave me a big hug (which she usually doesn't).
So, what to make of all this. She's talking to him, maybe not with the frequency that it was before D-day, but probably daily or nearly daily. My best guess (and it's only a guess) is that she justifies it to herself by thinking that as long as she doesn't sleep with him, continuing this valued "friendship" is OK. Although I have no way of knowing for sure one way or the other, I don't think she's seeing him. If I thought she was seeing him, I would feel compelled to confront her.
I have to keep reminding myself how great it's been in general between us over the last week and a half. She hasn't been faking it, at least not all of it. And the strength with which she said, "Yes. Absolutely", was surprising. But the cellphone and the lies just don't square with this stuff. To say I'm baffled and unsure what to do would be an understatement.
Somehow, through it all, I came away reassured. I'm being lied to, bald-faced, but I still think the progress and the good things that are happening are outweighing the bad (although that balance could flip-flop pretty easily). So here's my plan, until somebody convinces me to do otherwise: I'm going to wait until after the Vegas trip, at least, for the big cellphone confrontation. The June cellphone bill will be available then, and I'll be able to see if the calls have stopped, or at least decreased in frequency. On the basis of that, I'll decide what to do next. Until then, I'll DB away, and do my best to be that cheerful, helpful, lovable guy that I think can make her happy. What do you think?
Kim, great news on that cellphone bill of your H's. And you are right - the stupid little things do matter now, much more than I ever would have thought they would. Keep doing those things for your H, it sounds like he's responding more and more.
