Quoting sage: Sounds like things continue to go well for you...you sound very strong and sure and calm. Good stuff.
Yeah...maybe not. Yesterday was my 1st bad day in awhile. My W had an afternoon of errands which, of course she hadn't told me anything about. I called her around 5:30 and she didn't answer. It seems sometimes that her cellphone always happens to be off just when I call. She finally returned my call around 7. Her explanations about where she'd been were plausible, but a little fishy (one of them was that the salon she goes to was out of the shampoo she likes so she drove about 20 minutes away, just to get it at another salon. Oooooooh K)
In the current atmosphere, trying to trust and believe while knowing about the "secret" cellphone, I have generally been successful. But yesterday it just seemed too much, and I couldn't hide my, what is it, depression? fear? anger? from her after I got home. I didn't lose my temper, but I did ask her the details about where she was, and why she couldn't take my call. I came close to confronting her about the secret cellphone, but didn't. She didn't get angry, as she has in the past when I've questioned her like that. In her way, I guess, she tried to be reassuring, and answer my questions. She ended it with, "Don't be unhappy. I like it when you're happy". Yeah, I like it when I'm happy too. So why don't you try harder to make me happy, I thought.
Later, she made several gestures that were sweet, coming over to hold my hand on the couch, lay on my lap, stuff like that. With her, it's always the gestures that I look for - she verbalizes so little. I guess she is at least as afraid as I am of saying the wrong thing. The difference is, she knows what the right thing to say would be. I never really know. Do I say ILY, or not? Do I voice my fears, or not? Do I confront her about the cellphone, or not? Do I call her during the day, or not?
Other than one time this last weekend, when I tried but couldn't find the new cellphone, I haven't done any snooping. I do find that I don't think about it quite as much, unless my W does something to start up my suspicions again. At some point, I'm going to have to confront her about it, but I don't know when that will be.
I think I've been more than reasonable in giving her some space. But "reasonable" really has nothing to do with it. The real question (regarding not only the cellphone confrontation issue, but also almost everything else) is how to be most effective in achieving my most imporant goal. So maybe I should figure it out, and state it here. I think it is this: to get my marriage back, wholely, and to do it as quickly as possible, while not sacrificing too much of myself in the process. Is it still just one goal if I use a bunch of commas and add extra phrases? OK, maybe that's really 4 goals: 1. get my marriage back, 2. get it back wholely, 3. get it back as quickly as possible, 4. without sacrificing too much of myself in the process. What do you think, too many goals? Should I just go with #1?
I think the answer to such questions as, do I confront?, lies in the question, will this further my goals? It helps me to think in this way, but the answers still aren't always clear.
Regarding forgiveness. Do you think it's a process, or an all-at-once thing? I mean, do you forgive some things today, but hold some things back for another day? Or do you wait until you are ready to forgive everything? Does any of it hinge on the S's remorse? Did you speak it to him, in some sort of formal way? This post is long enough. Forgiveness is its own topic. But I'd like to hear your thoughts.
