WAW...now the LBS Part 2

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Did want to point out that men do look for solutions to problems. Still worrying awful early but who knows...I would not read into you being there as friends or whatever. I can tell you that often when I am looking for solutions to things like that, I would not be thinking if she was here as W or as a friend...that would not even be part of it.

You are right. I do worry too much, speculate too much and try to control the sitch too much. All things I am working on. PMA PMA PMA. I spoke with my DB coach and I have a new plan that I am excited to put it into action. She was a real motivator. I have been trying to put my needs and expectations aside, but I really need to step it up. Be consistent with my actions and be consistently approachable regardless of his reaction.

Thanks for the male point of view. I suggested that I pay my half of the cell phone bill and car insurance per my coach and spent a few minutes explaining why; that it made sense for me to pay my own bills, that it would help take some pressure off of him etc., but he wouldn't hear it. He also mentioned, when I was looking at a verizon booklet, that in a year when our verizon plan is up WE should get sprint.

Or it could mean the moon is made of cheese...we don't know. No matter how much we think. But I think it a big positive that he sees you in his future 7-9 months from now. And so I vote positive.

Lmao. Again too much speculation. My roommate seems to be rubbing off on me. Thanks for the boost!!!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

JAW,

Have fun in Puerto Rico!!! Lucky you.

[christarn]

HIC~

You are right. I do worry too much, speculate too much and try to control the sitch too much.

I do the same...I think it is hard not to!! I also over analize every little thing my H says, does and how he acts...I am working on this as well

I spoke with my DB coach and I have a new plan that I am excited to put it into action. She was a real motivator

.

What was your coach's advice...anything worth sharing? It's been almost two weeks since I have heard from my H. I'm not sure what is going on with him. Another couple we used to hang out with some are going thru a D, I think my H and the the guy from that M are becoming quite a pair. Hopefully my H will see just how nasty a D can get, and it will open his eyes a little!

[jmw128]

Other than that, I am on my way to Puerto Rico for the next week. My DB coach encouraged me to not call everyday and sometimes when I do call to make it short. For example, "Hey, can I talk to our son real quick? I only have a few minutes before we have to leave." Then the next time, he told me to leave it more open and see if she initiates any conversation. It will be good to "escape" for a while and see if she is any different when I get back.

perhaps send a text, that way you avoid the contact with her and get son directly...point being your second part "escape" for awhile and see if she initiates more conversation b/c of your distance...just a thought...

gl2u

...and try to control...

if that weren't out of my W's mouth I just don't know where you got it...in reading here online, you have to release it. Put your needs and expectations aside is great advice and I just got thru reading a post about it. Have zero expectations. See where that gets you.

...Be consistent...

ummm...that seems to be a DB given. That's probably much harder with more and more contact but you better be CONSISTENT AND PATIENT. That's the only thing that has gotten me to where I am at.

I suggested that I pay my half of the cell phone bill and car insurance...

I think that is good. He will not have a reason to ask you for money such as pool. What I read from your posts about it, just seemed like, in some way you had to do the pool b/c he did this that and the other. Now that is gone. Shows you don't need him. Not that you don't want him. But you can handle it. So, that begs the question that you'll have to answer in my solution journal...lmao...

...Lmao. Again too much speculation.

ummm...there was a time I couldn't think 7 seconds ahead. Not to mention 7 minutes, 7 days, 7 weeks or heaven knows 7 months. Despite people telling me it might take that long. And low and behold in a few days...it'll be 7 months of separation. You are so past those minutes/days thing that no way do you need to think about over 1/2 a year. Heck, he probably doesn't know what he is doing in 2 weeks...so you better not spend your time analyzing what he has no clue about...

gl2uall...HiC, check my journal if you get time...

[HOPEFULinCALI]

What was your coach's advice...anything worth sharing?

Christa,

I would be happy to share. Some oldies and some goodies.
1. Be consistent. Sounds easy enough, right? Not so much for me. I thought I was being consistent, but as my coach kindly pointed out I am not. For various reasons, such as being stressed over the sitch and H not initiating more contact, I sometimes back off. Regardless of my H's actions I should be consistent in mine b/c I am playing catch up and I should not expect ANYTHING from him at this point. I need to show him that I am not falling into old patterns and that he can count on me to be there for him and be committed. By H calling me this past week and saying that he was worried about me........he was saying to me that he was feeling neglected.
a. My goal is to consistently show interest in the FRIENDSHIP even if it means that I make it a point to call every Wednesday and Friday.
b. Be consistently APPROACHABLE.

2. Oldie. Ask him to go out on the spur of the moment and if he doesn't want to go then go anyway.

3. When he stops showing interest in a conversation or in my company end the conversation or the visit.

4. Change my reactions and expectations. This is HUGE for me. I am confident that this is the key to overcoming the issues that have been making both my H and me unhappy and that I am working on in therapy. After more than a year with my therapist I found a new solution-based therapist of whom I hope that I can finally make some permanent changes with. My issues include trying to control, being negative, being judgemental, reacting to people and sitch's with frustion and a bit of anger and stress. If I can change my reaction to people and sitch's and realize that I can only control myself I will be well on my way.

Also look up the "last lecture" by Randy Pausch

[HOPEFULinCALI]

ummm...that seems to be a DB given. That's probably much harder with more and more contact but you better be CONSISTENT AND PATIENT.

I really thought I was or at least appearing to be. Sometimes it takes an objective party to point out that one is not be either consistent or patient at all. Thx for the tough love. lol. Really thx

I suggested that I pay my half of the cell phone bill and car insurance...

I think that is good. He will not have a reason to ask you for money such as pool. What I read from your posts about it, just seemed like, in some way you had to do the pool b/c he did this that and the other. Now that is gone. Shows you don't need him. Not that you don't want him. But you can handle it. So, that begs the question that you'll have to answer in my solution journal...lmao...

Yeah, um he wasn't hearing it. I felt as if I was trying to convince him to tell me my part of the bills, but he wouldn't move on the issue. He receives all the bills and has all the passwords to the online accounts so not much I can do there and I don't want to have a negative interation.

Heck, he probably doesn't know what he is doing in 2 weeks...so you better not spend your time analyzing what he has no clue about...

I am a planner and I think a lot of women are so thx for the male point of view. No more analyzing. Check.

[jmw128]

lol ...

No more analyzing. Check.

easy to say...hard to do, thinking about what all W and I talked about, why she was this that and the other, just don't go off the deepend thinking, analyzing, it...I think that is more what I meant.

I understand the bill thing. Surprises me that he would still have passwords and such since you were the WA at the beginning. But that doesn't help a speck now. You are in a pickle about it. You don't want the negative interaction, which I really understand, I am doing the exact same with my taxes. Aggrevating.

Gonna have to type more to you later...too many folks around wanting to see what I am doing.

Oh, wanted to point out b4 I get out of here...you sound consistent and patient...I just think you are a bit frustrated now. Just keep doing what you are doing. I, in no way, meant that you weren't.

ugh, I gotta go these relatives...just let a 5D out in yard w/o supervision...by a road...morons...

gl2u

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Oh, wanted to point out b4 I get out of here...you sound consistent and patient...I just think you are a bit frustrated now. Just keep doing what you are doing. I, in no way, meant that you weren't.

I didn't think you were saying that, but even if you were you would be right. Sometimes I get off track b/c I think I am going crazy. I am frustrated, but back on track. I think that my problem is I talk to much about it. I will limit my venting to my closest friend and those who can offer contructive critism and advice such as the people here. I have a few friends, and my old therapist by the way, who love to give me advice contrary to DBing. Thank goodness for this site and the book. It is pretty bad news when you finally figure what is best for your relationship more so than your therapist.

Good luck with the relatives

[christarn]

HIC~ Thanks for the tips! I need to call and get an appt set up for this week. I am feeling in a rut. I think my coach could probably give me some advice as to where I need to go with this!

I saw the last lecture when it was first on good morning america months ago....AWESOME!!! one word!! AWESOME!!!

Christa

[jmw128]

I am frustrated, but back on track. I think that my problem is I talk to much about it. I will limit my venting to my closest friend and those who can offer contructive critism and advice such as the people here. I have a few friends, and my old therapist by the way, who love to give me advice contrary to DBing. Thank goodness for this site and the book.

Some thoughts for you. You very much have to limit who you can get advice from. When you talk to those friends and even that old therapist, they give you advice contrary to your heart. It brings you down and it frustrates you because they invalidate and do not understand you. They do it probably because they don't want you to hurt but they just aren't helping the way we need. Regardless, they just aren't helping. That's also why we feel so good when we talk to DB coach, post here, or the close person who gives us real advice. It is so positive and not negative. The negative and listening to there doom and gloom is just not what we are asking to hear. So, your solution to distance your sitch discussions to people who offer positive validating responses or solutions to help you is the only way, for us all.

On a personal note, I blasted several folks in my family for bringing it up. I flat told my mother, which is just as good as talking to dad, and other family members, who drinks way to much, and just begs and pleads to see 5D that I would not bring her over there like that. blah blah...in the end, I actually said, "only two people in this family support me. I don't want to hear you be ugly to W, like you just did when you said, "I don't understand why she won't do X (in 2 weeks and hasn't even asked me)". You should love her more than you love me. And, I am not talking about this with you anymore." Went on to say, "I am devoting all my energy to my family which is, W, 5D, and I. I do not have any energy to devote to you and everyone elses issues. That's your choice, I don't have to like it, but I accept it. But don't expect me to do anything different than what I am doing. I absolutely will not give any energy to it, whether I have it or not. Was really kind of sad, they even brought it up again, while eating at uncle/aunt house...6-7 people sitting there they start up again one more thing...sometimes you just have to say, "PLEASE, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT." and then leave...from the table...

I say all of that, in hopes that I am not wasting your thread space, to say...devote your energy to sitch. Do not talk to people who do not give you positive advice, support, and feedback. Those that are unsupportive and invalidate your feelings will frustrate you and bring you down. And furthermore, these same people will reflect their problems onto you. Just do not use your energy on issues other than your sitch. Choose wisely, you don't have nor want to have energy for other involved problems.

On a positive, after I blasted folks this weekend, I felt very detached from all that crud. It was uplifting. I had a great weekend and I felt even better about things with my W. It gave me a lot of confidence. I could feel the confidence when I saw W Sunday. Also, made me feel detached more about sitch stuff. And I think that has to do with not sharing, talking about it, and flat stating I wouldn't with others...

long long post to say you are doing the right thing...gl2u