There are no lawyers involved as he has yet to file. My mother did take the liberty of informing her friend, a lawyer, of my sitch and I plan on speaking with her to know my legal rights.
When I did see L months ago, I was basically scared and miserable. But, it does help. It lets you know what you need to know. Now, it gives me a certain strength and peace knowing what my W can and cannot do.
Having said that, be careful of your well-intentioned friends and family. They are trying to think of you. They don't want you to hurt anymore. And they, generally, don't really care about your feelings toward your spouse and they don't feel the same about them either. Had a relative a week ago, ask repeatedly what has been happening with my sitch. One of three people I will talk about this stuff. Really didn't feel like it but she insisted. I got about 4 sentences out before it was "just be done with her", etc...Down to two now...lmao. Consider yourself very lucky indeed to have someone to talk to face to face that sees your feelings and is working to help you not end things for your R/M. I know you know this...wastin' more postin' space...
...be careful of your well-intentioned friends and family. They are trying to think of you. They don't want you to hurt anymore. And they, generally, don't really care about your feelings toward your spouse and they don't feel the same about them either.
any nursing updates?
Your right. Knowing what I know now I am careful about the advice I give family and friends. It is an all to common response for family and friends to tell either spouse to move on instead of standing by their commitment. My mother asked me on Monday, as she has several times since the bomb, how long was I going to wait. My response was "as long as I need to and I wasn't going to give up on my marriage...what is the point of commitment if you are going to quit when things get tough. I married for better or worse not for as long as things are good. Def: commit-to obligate or pledge oneself I committed myself to my marriage therefore I am obligated to make it work."
My mother has never been one for heartfelt conversation and obviously can not respect my need for privacy. I suppose that I am one down too, lol.
No nursing updates. I haven't seen H in nearly 2 wks or spoken to him in nearly 1 wk. I know my coach said that I needed to step up the friendship, but I needed a bit of space and detachment for my own sanity. I am no good to my M otherwise and I definitely feel refreshed.
I will stop by your thread soon. I haven't been able to write as much due to work, but I appreciate you stopping by. As always thank you soooo much for your advice. Oh and sometimes I forget so it never hurts to be reminded.:)
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 04/09/0810:17 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I have to continue to remind myself of the good stuff, the progress that we are making so I am journaling here.
Yesterday I was out at the bookstore when H called. I assumed it was for business. Normally I am the one working to engage him in conversation and I ask all the questions. This time it was the other way around. I was friendly but short on words. He was enthusiastic and seemed excited to talk to me. A brief synopsis: H&M: (Greetings back and forth) H: I haven't talked to you in a while I was getting worried about you. (jokingly) I have been calling all the hospitals. M: I am fine. I have just been really busy. H: Well you know you should come and hang out. We are supposed to be friends and you have a daughter you haven't seen (our dog). I rented some movies if you would like to borrow them (strange since 2 of the 3 are movies I would never pick out for myself). M: Sure that would be nice maybe I can stop by. Would you like anything for dinner... The rest is just us making plans.
So I went over and we had dinner and watched a movie. I did knock on the door when I went over so as not to act like a wife, but a friend visiting.
A few things happened while I was there. Nothing good or bad, but rather some things that I need to think about.
1. He was telling me about benefits that I can recieve as the spouse of a veteran (I guess he initially forgot that I am a vet also. Then he caught himself, but then continued to tell me). 2. He told me that he would be needing some help with the bills due to the fact that he will have some down time between his end of service in the Navy and the CHP Academy (this is 7-9 months from now and he is expecting me to be around).
He isn't treating me like a friend with all of his expectations. I don't know how to handle it. Something for my coach to tackle. I think part of it is that it is an old habit to lean on me. I don't think he has quite grasped the consequences of getting a divorce. Another part of me thinks that he is using the D and finances to blackmail me (i.e. if I don't help I don't have any rights to the house, or if I am not helping as a wife should then there is no reason to hold off on the D).
Thoughts?
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
H: I haven't talked to you in a while I was getting worried about you. (jokingly) I have been calling all the hospitals. M: I am fine. I have just been really busy. H: Well you know you should come and hang out. We are supposed to be friends and you have a daughter you haven't seen (our dog). I rented some movies if you would like to borrow them (strange since 2 of the 3 are movies I would never pick out for myself). M: Sure that would be nice maybe I can stop by. Would you like anything for dinner...
that all sounds really good to me...sounds like he really wanted to see you.
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1. He was telling me about benefits that I can recieve as the spouse of a veteran (I guess he initially forgot that I am a vet also. Then he caught himself, but then continued to tell me). 2. He told me that he would be needing some help with the bills due to the fact that he will have some down time between his end of service in the Navy and the CHP Academy (this is 7-9 months from now and he is expecting me to be around).
I don't understand this either. Spouse of a veteran and needing help with bills in the future sounds like R/M stuff to me. Especially saying spouse of vet, does that mean u2 are M? Men are solution oriented, so he is probably just working through his Navy stuff and finding answers to things on his mind. I don't mean this ugly, but when I first read it it sounded like a woman that worries to much. Like you said 7-9 months from now is a long time.
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He isn't treating me like a friend with all of his expectations. I don't know how to handle it. Something for my coach to tackle. I think part of it is that it is an old habit to lean on me
I think you have hit it on the head here. I think you keep doing what you are doing though. It is not negative right? Is it working? Progress? I think that something you should be careful about is that leaning thing. I am curious if my W has been nice to me at certain times, just to use me for what she wants. Like get 5D on Easter, which was my day. I don't think she has, but be careful not to be the doormat, the post to lean on, etc...while he digs out the foundation from under you. It's really hard. I know, because I do what I want to do, for her, 5D, etc but at the same time...I really don't think either of our spouses would/are doing this consciously, if at all...but something to just keep in mind.
gl2u..wish me luck with DB coach this evening, gonna do brief timeline/summary from Easterish to present...I am really looking forward to it. Work really stunk this morning, until I fired back...then bosses all nice. They really dropped ball last week and they know they did me wrong. Sounds like R stuff, lmao.
I don't understand this either. Especially saying spouse of vet, does that mean u2 are M? I don't mean this ugly, but when I first read it it sounded like a woman that worries to much. Like you said 7-9 months from now is a long time.
It didn't sound ugly at all. This is what is confusing about the sitch. I don't think that he realizes that after the D we may or may not have much contact beyond the occasional how are you doing. So my issue is that if things don't work out I don't know where I will be and he is making plans for me nearly a year from now. As a friend he is expecting too much from me. For now it is ok, but as a friend he should not expect for me to be there for his every need as he does now.
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It is not negative right? Is it working? Progress? I think that something you should be careful about is that leaning thing.
I think it could mean progress that he is thinking the way he is or it could mean that he just doesn't know how to be just friends or that he is taking advantage of the fact that I do not want the D.
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gl2u..wish me luck with DB coach this evening
Good luck with your coach!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
So my issue is that if things don't work out I don't know where I will be and he is making plans for me nearly a year from now. As a friend he is expecting too much from me.
I understand that but I wouldn't be looking at it from the point of view from now to the end of time. Did want to point out that men do look for solutions to problems - you know fixers and so it seems he is working out one for that service stuff. Still worrying awful early but who knows...I would not read into you being there as friends or whatever. I can tell you that often when I am looking for solutions to things like that, I would not be thinking if she was here as W or as a friend...that would not even be part of it.
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I think it could mean progress that he is thinking the way he is or it could mean that he just doesn't know how to be just friends or that he is taking advantage of the fact that I do not want the D.
Or it could mean the moon is made of cheese...we don't know. No matter how much we think. But I think it a big positive that he sees you in his future 7-9 months from now. And so I vote positive.
I am curious if my W has been nice to me at certain times, just to use me for what she wants. Like get 5D on Easter, which was my day. I don't think she has, but be careful not to be the doormat, the post to lean on, etc...while he digs out the foundation from under you.
I think this has happened in my sitch. I have been completely flexible with shared time with our children; but I am leaving for Puerto Rico for a week in a few days. I am giving up 4 days with the kids and she is only willing to give me two back. She went to a work conference for 5 days and then I agreed to give her the next 5 days when she got back. Now, when roles are reversed; she is giving me one extra day before I leave and one extra when I get back; but no more than that. She says the difference is that hers was for work and mine is for vacation.
There are times we have to stand up for ourselves and fight for what is right no matter how much we want them back. It's about respect and courtesy. Their is no reason to get nasty. I remain polite and firm. I am letting her know that I am not pleased with her decision and I will remember her unwillingness to give me back time that I gave up. I would not be going on this trip if it hadn't been planned and paid for before I received D papers.
Good luck to you HiC. I agree with jmw128 that things are moving in a positive direction. Don't read negativity into it. I have the tendency to do that with EVERYTHING my W does; so I know how hard it is not to. Jmw128, keep up the good posts. I really enjoy reading them!
HiC, wanted to let you know DB coaching went great...very positive and insightful. And she says we are "teetering on stage 2", that was like an x-mas gift. I put a lot of it in my solution journal.
Thanks for the kind words jaws...
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Their is no reason to get nasty. I remain polite and firm. I am letting her know that I am not pleased with her decision and I will remember her unwillingness to give me back time that I gave up.
you are right about nasty and a long while back I started saying something to the effect of, "why are you getting angry" and this helped. You can control yourself with polite and calm. I would like to point out that you have told her that you don't like what she did with children visitation. I would not tell her things like remembering her unwillingness to give time back. It shows negativity and is putting guilty on her. It's not going to give you those days back, now. My W did this kind of thing around x-mas. It was wrong and I knew it, but nothing good will occur if I were to do like family told me...go up there and get her now...It's a very fine line...doormat or polite, confident, etc...say what you got to say - briefly and be done, but try to avoid the guilt part maybe say something like I don't understand. You'll get those days back...it just won't be when vacation over. She'll need the days later. Don't let it bother you. Water off a duck. When she calms down, in time, she won't use kids to hurt you. And remember work vs vacation is irrelevant...she is looking for an excuse b/c she doesn't want to do this "nice" thing for you.
jmw128, thank you for the encouragement and some insight into my W's madness. It's nice to know that she is doing this because she doesn't want to be nice to me and that eventually these sort of things will pass. Also, I am glad that you told me to avoid the guilt part. I will remember that in future discussions with her.
Other than that, I am on my way to Puerto Rico for the next week. My DB coach encouraged me to not call everyday and sometimes when I do call to make it short. For example, "Hey, can I talk to our son real quick? I only have a few minutes before we have to leave." Then the next time, he told me to leave it more open and see if she initiates any conversation. It will be good to "escape" for a while and see if she is any different when I get back.
"It's a very fine line...doormat or polite, confident, etc...say what you got to say - briefly and be done, but try to avoid the guilt part maybe say something like I don't understand."
That is good advice. I have been trying to do that. The only problem with my W is when her guilt has so engulfed her that she can think I am attacking her by mentioning the color of the sky. I am not DBing, I am just standing in the gap for my kids and making sure that my wife's MLC harms her kids as little as possible. God luck to you guys and ladies
