Good talk with H tonight. S is turning 5 on Saturday, so my sis and I took him and his cousins out to dinner. The waiters sang Happy Birthday to him. He was so embarrassed he literally slid under the table. It was really cute. H called when I got home, and I was telling him all about it. Then we talked some about S's birthday party. H was at Wal-Mart this evening. He ran into my SIL, who is a bit of a gossip. She talked his ear off about our R, and let him know that if he needed someone to talk to she was a good listener, etc. H was annoyed, but in an amusing way. We both laughed about what a nutjob she is. Then he told me about some issues his brother is having. His bro spent most of the evening at his apartment because he is having some issues with his W. H just sat and talked with him a while. It was nice that he shared all of those worries with me. It was like old times for a minute. I was the one to end the call when we got finished talking. It was overall a good talk.
I've almost given up. I hate this so much! I feel like I am lost without H. I am having to go ahead and move on with my life financially, but emotionally I am just not there yet. I have bought some land, and I am about to build a new house. H still has not contacted a lawyer to file, but he still says the same thing..."Right now I am doing what I think is best." I suck at going dark. It kills me not to see him. He called this morning, and we spoke briefly. I told him that I was really afraid that if he did change his mind about the D that I might never know it, because he would be too proud to say anything about it. He said that if his feelings change I would be the first one to know. He wouldn't hesitate. He doesn't care what other people think. He would come back in a second, but he just doesn't think that is the right thing for now. Perhaps I should spend more time on here again. I just don't feel like I am doing the right things to win him back. He seems so distant from me. My sister called him this morning and told him a few things. Basically she said, "I hope you know what you are doing because my sister is destroyed right now." He said that he did know what he was doing, and that he wasn't trying to hurt me. He just wants to do what he can to be happy himself. I know he feels bad about how much I am hurting, but it just doesn't seem like he cares. I am doing all the wrong things because my heart is broken. I can't seem to get my head to take control.
I've almost given up. I hate this so much! I feel like I am lost without H. I am having to go ahead and move on with my life financially, but emotionally I am just not there yet. I have bought some land, and I am about to build a new house. H still has not contacted a lawyer to file, but he still says the same thing..."Right now I am doing what I think is best." I suck at going dark. It kills me not to see him. He called this morning, and we spoke briefly. I told him that I was really afraid that if he did change his mind about the D that I might never know it, because he would be too proud to say anything about it. He said that if his feelings change I would be the first one to know. He wouldn't hesitate. He doesn't care what other people think. He would come back in a second, but he just doesn't think that is the right thing for now. Perhaps I should spend more time on here again. I just don't feel like I am doing the right things to win him back. He seems so distant from me. My sister called him this morning and told him a few things. Basically she said, "I hope you know what you are doing because my sister is destroyed right now." He said that he did know what he was doing, and that he wasn't trying to hurt me. He just wants to do what he can to be happy himself. I know he feels bad about how much I am hurting, but it just doesn't seem like he cares. I am doing all the wrong things because my heart is broken. I can't seem to get my head to take control.
I know how you feel. Emotionally this will take a very long time to get over. I think you should spend more time posting and reading on here though so that you have a support system. Here we all support you because we are working towards the same goals.
A good idea is for no one to tell H he's making a mistake or about how you're handling it. It might seem like he doesn't care but you know he does and you could win a million bucks if you bet he was feeling guilty and depressed.
Stick around ok? You'll feel better that you did.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think posting more on here is a good idea. When I tell people that I am holding out hope for a reconciliation, they tend to think I am crazy. People seem to think it is unhealthy for me to hold onto this relationship when they think it is so completely lost. I just don't see it as lost. Like I said, he still hasn't filed.
Lori...people who have never been in similar sitchs cannot understand your position. Nothing is lost or over until both parties say it is. Don't worry about what other people say and maybe if you could read their minds they might not be thinking you're crazy after all. Maybe just maybe they think you're very brave and strong.
PMA!
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
It is funny because (for instance) with my sister I always respond by saying "OK, but now think about it like it is YOUR husband...not mine." That usually puts it in a different perspective for people. They have no idea how hard this is because they don't love my husband. It would be really easy for them to walk away from him. They aren't in love with him. Does that make sense at all?
