So, spent the weekend at my sisters. Went to church with my parents today. I was a bit of a joke, since I haven't gone in a while and the last time I went, the homily was all about marriage and working through the issues of the marriage. It had made me very uncomfortable. Well, today being Easter and all, the homily was all about renewal and it just made me feel so good.
H texted me happy easter and I texted him back. Later on, I was watching "I Am Legend" and there is a lot of Bob Marley in it and I texted H that hearing Bob Marley always reminded me of his dad. H didn't text back, which makes me think he was w/ OW. Ugh.
Hope everyone had a good day.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Glad you had a good day yesterday. I read today that MLC affairs can last longer than normal ones (RCR again- I am addicted to her stuff!). I don't know if it helps or not, but she is is a bandage. Nowhere near the good, strong, committed person you are.
(((Beth)))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I know, I know. I've been MIA. I have 3 major weddings coming up and I've just been super busy.
But, I wanted to let you all know what happened.
I bought H an amazing Italian watch for his 30th. He LOVES watches. It was on backorder, so I didn't give it to him on his actual birthday in March and I hadn't mentioned it because I was still up in the air as to whether or not I was even going to give it to him.
Well, It came in and I gave it to him. He loved it. The next day, he wrote me this: "I just wanted to drop a line to thank you for my watch. It is seriously so beautiful. At lunch today, a reporter sitting across from me kept doing the Brad Lawrence 'cat watching tennis' thing. I think I was gesticulating overtime just to mess with him after a while.
I know it was expensive, but the thought you put into it was of far more value to me than the dollar amount. You clearly know me better than anyone else ever has or ever will.
Thank you again."
I wrote back: "You are very welcome. Familiarity comes in pretty handy when gift giving! To me, that watch and your left wrist were just meant to be together. :o)"
The way I feel about it? I feel good. You guys: I really don't know if I want to be back w. H. When I see him, I feel like he is in exactly the same place he has always been and I've gotten so far. I realize how much burden I felt being with him.
But, I feel good giving him that and seeing him. I also feel good that it seems he recognizes a little about what I mean to him.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
You sound SO good!!! I LOVE H's response and your response too! I think it was pretty ballsy to give him a present like that, and then, look! it worked!! "You clearly know me better than anyone else ever has or ever will." Ay yi yiiiiiiiiiiiii!! Can we say, BABY STEP?
WOW Beth! What a fantastic response to your gift of real giving! That is fantastic- no wonder you're feeling good- you sound detached and happy, and H took a baby step. Brilliant!
Is gifts his LL BTW?
FAB FAB FAB Beth! You really do sound SO GOOD!
((()))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
So, I thought I would write a little about what I've been up to.
H and I interact every so often. We text. e-mail. see each other every so often. Joke around. I go to therapy every week. My therapist has been great, focusing on me rather than on my marriage. What I've realized is that while I feel very strong, I tend to undervalue myself. I've known H since we were 10 and I still have a "high school" image of him: ie: Popular boy, smart boy in the smart classes, cooler than me. I married this "high school image". I put him on a pedestal. But, the fact of the matter is w/ my H is that he is a very wounded bird, has really no good friends (he doesn't keep them), constantly searching for himself (adopted and has no self-identity), and is financially insecure (only child to rich parents so he always relies on them).
But.
H and I had a friendship before our marriage. Not a strong one, but one that was there. Respectful of each other. Our marriage was FRIENDSHIP. It wasn't passion. It was FRIENDSHIP. Jokes. Comfort. Yes. Sex, passion-long gone and adolescent even when existed (was passionate when we were 18?! Who knew what passion was then?!)
My therapist said something that really resonated with me: "Beth--H was a wounded bird, but wounded birds can still fly. He left you. He continued to live his life. It is ok for you to detach."
WOW.
I knew that. But, it seemed like when she said it, I finally FELT it.
I love H. I love him so much it isn't funny. I've known him since I was 10. Ever since we started our relationship, I used to sing him songs I made up about how he was my best friend. I miss him. But.
But.
But, I so deserve to be treated better. He continues to be the same man; a facade of strength with a scared little boy inside him. Addicted to his work. Self-loathing.
I have begun to detach.
I'm telling you all something. I've begun to date.
I know...here comes the judgement.
I'm not going to defend my decision. I have my own little bit of Catholic upbringing-guilt. And I truly truly believe that if H and I work it out, which I don't forsee being likely, that this was meant to be and has made me a better person.
But.
If anyone is interested, I have a few good stories/tidbits about how me dating has helped me GAL or rather, GET MY LIFE. back in order again. It has helped me shine a light on what I need in a partner and what I don't need FOR MY SELF.
I haven't seen anywhere on these threads about anyone admitting they've dated. I just felt like I needed to share w/ my DB friends b/c it has been so enlightening to me and I believe that honesty is important.
Feel free to e-mail me directly to talk or write here.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I think this is GREAT. I am so glad that you are sharing this with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are growing SO much and learning SO much. I just wrote a biggish post to you on my thread, but I wanted to say: YOU GO GIRL!!!
some amazin love is coming your way, whether from H or not, I do not know, but ... you are going to be ready!!
Hey Beth...well,between 28-30 we go through our Saturn Return (google it) and its all about maturing, leaving behind the last 14 years of your development and learning and stepping into a new future. Often it coincides with finally being a grown up, getting a career, or that first rung on the ladder, buying a house, getting M and having kids, or... leaving a long term R in order to grow. Reading your sitch, I often thought that I could see that this had to happen in order for you to have the life you deserve, for you, as you say. Saturn is about hard lessons and tough life stages and about growing, maturing and finding oneself. Whats happening now is a necessary process, hard though it is. So I dont chastise you for dating! I think you need to do what you need to do to survive this transition period in your life and it remains to be seen, as you say, if your H can get to grips with his issues and grow as a man. Good luck to you!
Ali xxx _____________ Me: 37 BF: 34 T: 9 years IDLYA: 2 Nov 07 Own flat: 26 Jan 08 Depression confirmed: 4 Mar
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
