Lol, I was thinking the same thing about a "real" earthquake. That would scare the crap out of me.
Sara, you will get to that happy point too. I mean in the beginning I truly wanted to die. I am not kidding. I didn't even know myself anymore. You are right, I don't think those of us without kids have the same obligations.
I just feel like if and when I decide to move on...I am going to have to make a clean break. I have been working on myself and the door has been wide open. He snuck in for a little bit...but now it seems he ran back out. In my heart, I believe in a few months he would want to come back. ...But what if in a few months or years it is the same thing? That is really what I am struggling with right now.
I just feel like I deserve a grown-up. Someone who is responsible and has the same passion for life and drive that I do. I feel like H is depressing, irresponsible, and does what he can to just get by. ...Funny I never felt that way before, but I do now.
, I don't think those of us without kids have the same obligations.
KlM,
Pain is Pain, Being "scared" of the future is the same if you have kids or not. I guess thinking about how it would hurt my son if I were to divorce does make my heart pain. but even if I did not have him. I would / still lose most of what I have posession wise.. The thing that I think hurts most about having kids is that my W "seems" happy with us living as "room mates". So Even though she had the affair that nobody knows about.. When and if I ask for a divorce I WILL BE THE ONE ending this artifical marriage. It hurts making ME the bad guy when I did nothing wrong.. But I still feel that with or without kids WE ALL HURT. We all have been through something that I would not wish on anybody... Even the OM family.. (W if she found out)...
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Pain is Pain, Being "scared" of the future is the same if you have kids or not.
I agree. Actually when I first started posting here it really irritated me when people said just what I said. I would think..just because we don't have kids doesn't make me love my H any less. BUT, I do see now that if I was trying to keep a family together...I might have a little bit more fight in me. The pain is the same, but I think it makes the time you are willing to wait different.
Quote:
When and if I ask for a divorce I WILL BE THE ONE ending this artifical marriage. It hurts making ME the bad guy when I did nothing wrong..
Yep, me too. I will have to be the one to do it and I HATE that.
A gratitude journal is just something where you write down things you are thankful for each day. I would say a minimum of 5, but could be more. These things could be as simple as going to work, or making it through the day without crying. Some days your really have to dig for things...but if you know you are going to have to write about it at night...it really helps you to focus on the positives even throughout the day.
klm, the gratitude journal is a good idea. I had one that I used to write in, but haven't in a while since I started posting to this website.
Originally Posted By: klm
I just feel like I deserve a grown-up. Someone who is responsible and has the same passion for life and drive that I do. I feel like H is depressing, irresponsible, and does what he can to just get by.
I am in the exact same boat. It's as if I am questioning that if H did want to come back, if I want to go back to holding his hand for EVERYTHING, making sure HE is happy, and HE had a good day. H never got excited about much of anything, and even now on his own, he still doesn't. It's heartbreaking to see it, but at the same time, HE'S the one that made this choice. I hate that I have to do everything now that he's gone, but then again, I realize that I did it all when he was here, and never got any appreciation for it... he lifted a finger here and there, but many times I found it easier to do things myself because it was like pulling hair. He became a lazy, depressed person with no good outlook on life whatsoever, and found that I was the person to blame for it. Especially when I tell him I would rather he not go out to the bars, because he can't have one or two and be home at a reasonable hour. He thought there should be nothing wrong with him finding a place to crash so he could stay out and drink all night, but would be sure to be home by 5:30 so I could go to work... nice guy... there have been too many alcohol related incidents with him to make me queasy everytime he goes out and drinks. But, that too, made me a bad wife who with-held him from enjoying himself.... not to mention he would have to take care of D while I worked a 10 hour day with no sleep and H would have a hang-over... nice parenting a-hole!!!
SJV Me 27 H 27 M 10/14/05 Together 11 Yrs Bomb 2/16/08 Seperated 2/25/08 D1 H moved back in-6/08 H lost his job 7/14/08 OW back in picture I told H my heart was done 7/21/08 I filed for D 9/8/08
"Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values"
Well, I went to meet up with the in-laws on Saturday. We actually had a great time and it was good to see them. They really didn't bring anything up or ask any questions about me and H so that was good. Although I did get the impression that they think we are living together. There were just some things they said that really made me think that. I am wondering what H has told them because when we are around them it always seems that he goes out of his way to give the impression that things are fine between us.
He sent me a text last night that said "How was the game?". I sent him one back telling him that we had a really good time and I asked if he was working. He responded and told me he was having to close last night. I didn't respond again so that was it.
The car payment is due this week. I am already stressed out about it. He got paid on Friday but my guess is that he has probably already spent most of that money and he won't be able to pay for the car. I hope he proves me wrong. The usual for me would be to call him today and remind him about it. I will do a 180 and not call him or nag him about it. I will give him a chance to do it on his own. We'll see.
I am really wondering why he even moved here. He doesn't have family here, I am the only person he knows here. He is still talking to OW...so why did he leave her and come here?? Did he do it because he knew I would take care of him and he knew OW wasn't capable (financially or otherwise) to take care of him. I thought he moved here to work on our M....but it doesn't seem we are doing that.
I am glad that you had a good weekend and enjoyed your time with the in-laws.
Do you have your plan for how to approach H at the end of the week to verify if it has been paid? Maybe even assume it's been paid and say "thanks for paying the car insurance by today" and watch his reaction.
As for moving, I think it was fairly obvious he moved with the intention of being close to you. I think that he didn't realize how stressful moving and finding new jobs would be and it caught him all by surprise. He is probably also having second thoughts as he may have assumed that you guys would just move back in together and everything would be fine. Who knows what goes through their heads sometimes, it's pure speculation.
Be careful about assuming that he is not working on the M in his own way - you have pointed out yourself that he does not have a lot to offer right now, so perhaps time is the best medicine at the moment.
Have a great week!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I go back and forth on how to approach the car. I have thought about just calling him and saying..."I just wanted to give you address for the car payment because I wasn't sure you still had it since you changed banks." He used to pay it through bill pay online, but he changed banks and so the address isn't on file anymore. Assuming he paid it...now that's an idea.
I just feel like I am at that point where we either need to both put forth the effort to work on this or we need to get a D. I am tired of being in limbo land. I really feel like I need to have that conversation with him. I just need to be prepared for the possibility that he may say he would rather get a D and then be able to follow through with it.
I understand needing to feel like there is some direction, whether towards R or towards D. I take it from what you wrote that you are not in the place where you could follow through with D if that's what he decided?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
