Quote: Why don't they see how important this stuff is to us, and how easily they could put to rest our fears, and let us happily move on to something else? I don't know. They seem to feel just as entitled to their privacy as ever, and feel stifled and awkward about doing the simple things that would reassure us. I don't get it, but from reading other threads, it seems to be very common.
I think the answer to this one, from reading many posts from wayward spouses, is that in most cases, they simply don't care (about you, your feelings, etc.). They are wrapped up in their own idealized fantasies about the OP, their own suffering in the M, and self-pity about having to give up the OP, and have little thought left for you. I think with time and the right approach from the BS, which includes our compassion and understanding (unfair, but necessary), the WS will start to come around. Hey, it's been 8 months since d-day for me and my W is still not fully recommitted! But hang in there - there are signs of improvement here and there and I'm sure with all your hard work, you will continue to see some positive changes as well.
Quote: I do think that their guilt is a part of it. They don't want to think about the A, and they don't want you to think about it. So, they think that the best thing to do is to ignore anything related to it, or minimize it, and it'll go away faster. What they don't consider is that this behavior only feeds our obsession with it.
It took me a long time to realize this. The unfortunate part is that you can't MAKE her see what she's doing to you. You can only say what you want, then act like the kind of man she'd really like to spend her life with. If she chooses to reinvest in your M, she will probably want to help you work through the issues surrounding the affair.
Beware though - if your W reaches that point, it doesn't necessarily mean that there won't be more setbacks. My W was willing to go to counseling and we did for 5 months, once per week. She answered all my questions about the As, and I've definitely benefitted from the sessions and the understanding of the reasons behind her choices. But that still leaves us with the underlying issues in the M, and those will take much longer to solve, so I continue to DB. My W is now teetering on the brink of choosing separation, so setbacks will happen for some time during your recovery.
On snooping - congratulations on your efforts to stop! Believe me I know how difficult it is. Let me know how it goes. Make sure you note what effect reducing your investigations has on your W for future reference in your DB efforts.
