MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

[tpaschal]

2ndNoah,

I've been thinking of you and haven't seen you around in a few days. Please let me know how you are doing.

Hugs to you.

[2ndnoah]

tpaschal, I know it's been a long time since I have posted. Almost a month, now. I hit rock bottom, but am slowly, slowly, coming back up. I wanted to say, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your much needed advice. I wish I was where you are now. I printed your replied posting. You are such a strong woman. My gosh, your hubby is a stupid man to have let you go.

I have good moments and bad ones. My hubby has still not turned around. He doesn't care about my boys. Instead, it is all about him and his happiness. He is still persuing a divorce. He has the crookedest attorney in town. Hubby has pulled all kinds of
stunts like; changing the passwords on our accounts so that I cannot access them, cut the money off, put in a change of address so I cannot get any mail, etc. He refused to sign the temporary support order allowing me to pay the bills and save our perfect credit rating. We are now scheduled to go back to court to face a judge on the support money at the end of the month.

I enrolled my son into college this last week. Hubby said, "don't expect any help from me, he's on his own." My other son pole vaults and is being trained for the state, nationals, and junior olympics this summer. I email hubby to let him know I was going to buy him a new vaulting pole because he had out grown the other one and again...."he's on his own, he can use what the school provides."

Hubby has broken in to our home 3 times now. He has caused a scene at one of the track meets. He got one of his guns, cocked it, and when I asked....does that gun have a bullet in it, he had this weird look on his face and said, "should I?" He has no contact with me. No contact even about our sons. I did email him on signing the income tax returns and still have not heard anything back from him.

Everything in my life has gone down hill since he left. It has been one thing after another. I keep asking God how much more? Let me share....Let's see.....there was an ice storm in December, our house and 5 acres looks like a bomb when off. The tree guys gave me an estimate of $32,000. for the clean up. No, insurance is not paying for it. My chimney has a hole in it, my roof has rotten places from the leaks, my living room and stairway ceilings have leaks, the hail storm this last week busted up the roof, I have change the house locks on my doors 3 times now because of him. I now know how to change dead bolts and door knobs (8 total) in record time. My car is using oil like candy, the breaks are shot (another $1000.00 for repairs), the sunroof drain tubes are plugged up so now water dumps on your head when driving. The garage opener broke, the dishwasher flooded our kitchen, the stove is shot, the dryer vent and tube over heated and was plugged up, the grass is tall in th epasture and yard, the mower is broken, the big tractor has a flat tire that is liquid filled and you cannot add air to it. Whatever that means. And so much more crap.....but the real kicker is the recent rain storms washed the only road to my school and job out. 500 feet of road out. I now have to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to and from work. The road will not be repaired for at least a month (don't hold your breath). All while driving my oil drinking car with no breaks and water dumping on your head! That same rain washed my gravel drive our into the street. I spend 2 hours shoveling it back to fill up the ruts....the next day before I got home it had washed back out into the street. It's still there! Had to go to a "Divorce Parenting" class required by Oklahoma laws. That was crappy! Hated that day! What a day! but I did talk to a child shrink and she told me I was saying and doing with my boys, perfectly. That made me feel good seeing that I am flying by the seat of my pants in knowing what to do and say in divorce.

I put a call into my attorney and it's been a week know and have not heard anything. They don't care about me, my family, or my life. They just want money, lots and lots of money. I am living off of credit cards because hubby has cut off the money and will not even pay child support or buy groceries at this point.

Lost 2 more pounds. Look like crap. I want my life back. I would love to GAL but I have too much going on. There are times I really hate my hubby. He has no responsibility except to have fun. I don't know.....why do we love these jerks???

tpascal I hope your life is shaping up and you have found happiness. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I hope you do not experience anything like I am right now. Since it has been 3 weeks since my last post I pray your hubby has awaken and your family is back together. I am praying for you. You are right, I need to stop thinking about my hubby and trying to fit things. I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him understand or see what he is doing. I cannot save him or fix him, us, my marriage, or my family. I just have to detach, detach, detach!!!! This is the hardest thing for me to do. I will go a couple of days and do good. Then when I am least expecting it....bam, I am right back to being attached, trying to reason and get him to come home. It's been almost 7 months now. 7 months! My gosh, I would have never guessed he would have been gone this long and to never have looked back that is biggest shocker. I have read 31 books. Nothing works for my situation. I guess I am at fault to for the different methods not working. I seem to go 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I wish I could just turn cold like him. I'm hanging in there. Not liking it...but hanging in there surviving.

[Treese]

2ndNoah:

Wow.....first I am so sorry for your pain....I am right in the same boat with ya but I think I got ya beat...not that this is a contest or anything but just to know that others out there are going through the same pain you are helps....no much but it helps...getting a life is difficult when you're on your own...and doing EVERYTHING YOURSELF...fortunately right now my H's money is still going in to our account so I can at least pay the bills...he does keep in contact with his son as the girls want NOTHING to do with him...I can't blame them at this point and he is putting no effort in to trying to mend it...so he loses as far as I'm concerned...he's nice to me around the kids because he wants them to think we're friends...I am so not his friend right now cause I wouldn't be friends with someone who would treat me like this...

So I got hit all in one week, here it goes...I hope you're sitting down....

Monday: OW X called me to tell me that H is spending days and nights with her at his old house and he doesn't want my H around his children...I understand that one..this guy is a little psycho...and likes to start trouble
I call H and he laughs in the phone at me telling me they've been waiting (he & OW) for my call..tells me our divorce is inevitable and lets just get it over with cause it's going to get ugly...well, yes it is....Hung up with him, after sobbing on the phone, I know bad DBing but hey my life is falling apart here..
Tuesday: H brings son home from bball practice, I am up in my room checking my email...to my surprise....an anonymous email telling me my H has a child from an affair 8 years ago...I take the email to him and tell him to read it...fast forward...he tries to run away out the door, I stop him, he kind of pushes me out of the way to get out and my D15 comes running up the steps yelling at him for spending time with someone elses children and not his own.....I slap his face so hard he goes to look at it in the mirror, seriously....by this time son is crying.,.D15 is yelling at H, son goes to call D21 at college....big big mess...
He tells D15 he hasn't been in love with me for 15 years, and when she reminded him she's 15,(he got her age wrong, and she flipped out), and her brother is 10..so he said ok, 9....are you kidding...fast forward...d15 finds out she has a 1/2 brother..bigger fight...she removes family portrait from the wall and he said tell mom not to fight for me anymore...he doesn't love me..night ends.

Wednesday, H's car is having trouble...calls to see if he can use my car...are you kidding...but stupid me lets him...
they call his car had had syrup poured in the gas tank, $1100 damage...guess who did it...yep...OW X...place a police report..I told him to tell the police he was at her house screwing her while cheating on his wife...he didn't like that..too bad..

That was a week of mine...I understand how you feel cause through all this I still love him...I want to hate him...I want to run to the lawyer but I haven't....I want my family back....

So I come here to vent...and it helps....our H's are idiots who aren't thinking about anyone but themselves...someday they'll crash...My h has to some time, he has kept a secret from EVERYONE for 8 years....and he says he doesn't care what other people think it was OUR relationship that went bad...WRONG....it's all him...I take no credit for his screw up..

sorry for the long post but I wanted you to know you're not alone...I'm right with you....promise...

OH, and I've aged 10 years and I used to look young for my age..

Treese

[tpaschal]

You are right, I need to stop thinking about my hubby and trying to fit things. I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him understand or see what he is doing. I cannot save him or fix him, us, my marriage, or my family. I just have to detach, detach, detach!!!! This is the hardest thing for me to do. I will go a couple of days and do good. Then when I am least expecting it....bam, I am right back to being attached, trying to reason and get him to come home. It's been almost 7 months now. 7 months! My gosh, I would have never guessed he would have been gone this long and to never have looked back that is biggest shocker. I have read 31 books. Nothing works for my situation. I guess I am at fault to for the different methods not working. I seem to go 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. I wish I could just turn cold like him. I'm hanging in there. Not liking it...but hanging in there surviving.

2ndNoah,

I've got to get to S9's soccer game in a few minutes, so don't have time to reply in full, but wanted to let you know I saw this and have been thinking of you.

First, thank you for your prayers for me and my family. They are very needed right now. My H has not changed his mind---he is intent on getting a divorce and getting it done as fast as possible. I am trying to stay out of contact with him as much as possible, because he only gets angry and spews nastiness at me. He does see the kids some, but they tell me he is distant and moody and has a short temper. I am SLOWLY coming to accept that there is NOTHING anyone can do that will help him heal or bring him out of this. Maybe someday he will figure it out on his own. Maybe not. How sad for him.

I am so, so sorry to hear about all the struggles you are going through. I will continue to pray for you.

One thing in your post that stood out to me was you taking blame for the different methods not working. Oh, sweetie, don't do that to yourself. Were you a perfect woman? A perfect wife and mother? No. None of us are! Could we have done things differently in the past? Of course. But the choices he is making right now are NOT YOUR FAULT. I know it's normal to want to fix things, to think that if you could just find the RIGHT words or the RIGHT actions or the RIGHT method, you could fix it all and your H would come home. But the truth is what I said above about my own H---there is NOTHING you can do to fix him. God is in charge of that, but H has free will and he will have to ask God for that help and healing. Will your H ever do that? No one knows.

I repeat, there is NOTHING you can do to fix him. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. That he hasn't come home yet is NOT YOUR FAULT.

I will continue to pray for you and your family. This is a busy weekend for me, but I will check in on you whenever I can get a little computer time.

Try to do something nice for YOU this weekend, even if it's just to take a long bath with a good book (or a trashy gossip magazine!)

{{{hugs to Noah}}}

[2ndnoah]

Treese, I am Soooo Sorry Treese for the week you had. I thought my days are bad, but yours beats mine. I cannot imagine being in your shoes or your childrens for that matter and finding out another child exists. My heart goes out to you and your children. Teenage years are the most critical time for children, period let alone their family falling a part and divorce. The to add a long time affair and child. I will pray for you and your family. My goodness! It sounds like you are right on track in all this, though. Stay strong, be bold, and stand up for yourself. Something you said.....you had not filed yet..... I was the same way. My thoughts were...he wants a divorce, let him grow some balls and go get one. He kept pressuring me and pressuring me and finally I told him, "you want a divorce then you go get you an attorney, file and have me served". My hubby did just that. My advise to you, don't say it, because they will show you they can and will do it. I regret that now. If I would have known he was going to actually file and get a divorce from me, I would have ran to the attorney's office and filed first. Maybe it would have shocked him? But at least I would have had more control over it than I do now (ie. drag my feet, stop it if I wanted to, and it would be here where I live instead of in another town where he lives). I had to get a different attorney because my attorney would not cross districts. Also, I have missed so much work because I have to take off everytime I need to meet with my attorney, go to a divorce class, or to court. The other town is also a large city verses the town I live in is very small. So think about your advantages before you rule out filing first or not.

My H has yet to confess there is another woman. She's there alright, not my imagination. I think if someone would just take a picture of them together, it would slap me in the face and I would give up and move on. I don't know. I really don't know anything now-a-days! Like stinks. There are some days that I just think I cannot take it anymore. He does not call me period. He will call my boys cells and leave a voice message. They will not talk to him at all. I did see him this weekend for him to sign the income tax returns. He and I said 5 words to each another for a total of 3 minutes. That was sad. I had so many things I wanted to say to him like....come home, what are you doing, there is still time to change your mind, you are ruining us financially, I forgive you if you have done anything, etc... This is the routine I have always done, even in emails. This time I decided to try something different. Be professional. Treat this meeting as a parent-teacher conference. I don't think it worked either. I cried all the way home, a 30 minute drive. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there!

[2ndnoah]

tpaschal, have you been doing this whole divorce thing for almost a year now? My heart goes out to you. Is your divorce final? Have you been able to drag it out? If so, how? I need lessons? Did you file or him? Are you still hopeful? Has he ever came back or turned around?

I am just amazed that I have spent my entire life with my hubby and after 31 years together, he just walks out and has never turned back. I guess that is the hardest thing for me to understand. There was no warning, no nothing. I kissed him good-bye, said I will see you this evening, I have a surprise for you when you get home, and he replied...don't bother, I'm not coming home. I thought he was talking in his sleep and what a weird thing for him to say!!! Little did I know. It just truly amazes me how he could do that and after 7 months has never looked back, changed his mind, wanted to get together and talk, NOTHING! Why???

tpaschal, you have been doing this for a lot longer than me. I admire your strength and endurance. I wonder when will I know to give up hope? When do I accept that my life with him with us is over? When will I stand up for myself, my boys, and my life and say enough? At this point....I still love him. When will I stop loving him? Caring for him? Want to hear his voice? See his face? Get an email from him? See his hands? Feel his touch? I miss him so much. What he is looking for he has right here at home. What we have is something that many people search for their entire life. How do I get him to see that?

[Treese]

2nd Noah;
I am praying for you and everyone else here everyday...really..I pray so much that I wonder if anyone is listening up there..
I have talked to an attorney but have not filed...I need his healthcare, money, etc..I won't say anything to H cause I'm standing and right now he is flying high...I'm sure his OW would give him the money to do it and maybe has...I don't even know...I'm shocked everyday with something new....I am having terrible nightmares every night....I'm so tired, and I feel like I"m going to have a nervous breakdown...my heart has never pounded so hard...today all the thoughts of everything he has said to me came pouring in....I got teary eyed but didn't cry...he can't mean it, I won't let myself believe it... I really do love him.....I guess only time will tell but at this point it's looking like he will never come home...I'm trying to just do my thing but sleeping is horrible....I do take stuff to sleep but I still wake up at least 10 times a night...

And I totally understand what you are saying about the years... my daughter even told my H she doesn't understand how he can just walk out after 29 years......he told her he didn't expect a 14 yr old to understand relationships....she said, "wow,dad, I'm 15, you don't even know how old I am"....I am beginning to understand that they are really taken over by something...

**Edited - Advertisements are NOT allowed.**

Anyway, we just all have to stick together and get each other through all this fog....

(((hugs)))

[2ndnoah]

Treese, I will get this book. I can use all the help I can get. I understand your not sleeping. It would be nice to sleep one night without the nightmares, without taking anything to make you sleep, and mostly for me.....to have my hubby to snuggle up with. We would always snuggle up (for 25 years) and normally wake up the same way. He is snuggling up with someone else, now. That just breaks my heart. I am so hurt. I do not know what to think anymore. I barly make it to work these days. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I too am praying for everyone here. I also pray so much that I too wonder if anyone is listening up there. It sure doesn't seem like it. I have prayed every which way from demanding, to asking, to questioning, to begging and pleading. Nothing is working. Absolutely NOTHING. I had a parent from my school call me and tell me that she had seen hubby with his girlfriend at the mall and it was back before he left me as well as has been constantly since. I was crushed! Yesterday, my youngest son had a track meet. Both of my boys were there. My hubby was too. He did not even say HI to my boys. He sat there for 4-5 hours talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend. My boy's knew what he was doing. Hubby had a new look, new hair style, new clothes, new shoes, new everything even the chair that he brought to sat in. He smiled and laughed and was happy the entire time he was talking to his girlfriend. The looks on his face were the same looks that he use to get when I would talk sexy to him. This all just crushes me. I am lost as to what to do. My boys, God my boy's! They are so torn up. They hate him. They want nothing to do with him. And everyone was so close before. I have wanted to email my hubby and ask many questions, but every time I ask my co-workers if I should they all seem to agree, NO DON'T! I have always been able to make up my mind, and make my own choices. Now I don't even trust myself to make a meaningless choice. I am now asking everyone before I do anything. I evaluate everything to. Every move I make, everything I buy, or do.

It sounds like you are just a few months behind me. I too would not file because I need hubby's money, insurance, etc. He got advise from someone, because he cut the money off right at the first of the month right when all the bills were due. I have paid the bills as I always have since he has been gone (at that time it was 5 months). I have operated under the idea that my hubby is coming home. I have not went crazy spending money. I did not burn or cut up his clothes, etc. But without notice, no money. He didn't even tell me. I found out by calling the bank to make sure the money was in there before I paid bills. It was zero balance. He not only cut the money but withdrew all the money in checking and savings. Then he wanted to meet with me and go over the bills and for me to give the bills to him to pay. IF YOUR HUBBY WANTS TO DO THIS AND YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAS PAID THE BILLS>>>>DO NOT, DO NOT GIVE THEM TO HIM. My attorney said if I would have, he would have cut off all the credit cards, too. My boys and I have been living on the credit cards since the money was cut off. Hubby has also gone in and change the passwords to any accounts he can remember so that I cannot pay them online or access them. He cut off our cell phones and the home phone (it was in his name). The courts finally made him turn them back on. He would not sign the temporary support order and so now we are having to have a judge make a ruling on it. Still no money. Our credit rating score was 892 out of 900. That is almost unheard of. Now it is 728. He has always been strict on our credit rating, but right now, he could care less.


I agree with you......something has taken over our husbands. I believe it was aliens!!!! Hee,hee. I know this person is not my hubby. He looks like him, but he sure is not the man and father I know, have trusted, and would love til the end of time. My hubby still denies that he has OW. He has this good guy image he obsesses over. He has his family all convinced that I am crazy and that all I do is accuse him of having an affair and there is no one. He has told them that is one reason why he left is that I was always accusing him of OW. Whatever!!! I remember asking him 3 times about OW other than that I never dreamed he would have cheated and is cheating on me.

Treese, I know this is a crazy time in our lives. People tell me we will get through it. I wish God would answer my prayers. I have asked him to create doubt in the choices hubby is making, to allow him not to be dependent on her or others that are rewarding, encouraging him, and reinforcing him in his decisions and them the same. I have asked him to bring someone into hubby's life that will give him God's words and will promote marriage, family, commitment, etc. Hubby is so far from God right now. I wonder if he even believes. I have asked God to bring this family back together and make us stronger than ever and to not let evil win. To use us to witness to other families and couples that are experiencing the same thing. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. I am beginning to wonder if there is a heaven.

My boy's are what I live for right now. They are the reason why I am still here. I am still in shock about all this. 7 months and you would think I would get over it. Not. I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me. Why did he do this? Why? And why are my boys and I having to experience this?

I do not think my hubby will ever come home. I absolutely want him to, but I think he won't. What was so bad with our life and me that he made this choice and is sticking with it. He is so angry with me. He acts livid when I am around. In the 31 years we have been together, I have never seen him act or feel this way towards anyone. Why is he angry with me? What have I done? Someone tell me so I can fix it.

[tpaschal]

tpaschal, have you been doing this whole divorce thing for almost a year now? My heart goes out to you. Is your divorce final? Have you been able to drag it out? If so, how? I need lessons? Did you file or him? Are you still hopeful? Has he ever came back or turned around?

2ndNoah,

Sorry I'm just seeing this today! My H dropped the IDLYA bomb on our 17th wedding anniversary (20 years together), 2 days before Christmas 2006. I found out about the OW the next day, he moved out in February of 2007, the OW moved in with him in May 2007, and H served me with D papers in June 2007. He then did NOTHING further regarding the divorce, but when he started threatening in August 2007 that he would no longer pay the bills, I felt forced to counterfile so that I could protect myself and the kids financially, at least a little.

What H never knew was how LONG this process can take. In my state, you've got to go to mediation before any court hearing, so that means you've got to find a mediator both L's agree on, try to get an appt., then if someone gets sick or has a schedule conflict it has to be REscheduled, etc., etc., etc. So, yes, it's already been more than a year since H moved out, and it will soon be a year from the time he filed.

The only way I've "dragged it out" is by not taking the initiative on anything. When I first went to see a L, he of course wanted me to file immediately and crucify my H. I said no, that I only wanted to respond to moves by my H. In other words, if H wants the divorce, he'll have to do the work for it. I can't refuse to respond, because then the judge would eventually grant a D by default anyway, but I'm certainly not going to push forward. If H wants it, he'll have to push it.

I know that H was still conflicted about what he wanted, even months after he filed, but he's never made any moves toward coming home. Plus, I know the OW is pushing, pushing, pushing for the D. Anytime H lets things stall for too long, she's back in the driver's seat pushing it forward again.

I also think that even though my H has seen that life with the OW is not going to be the happy fantasy life he thought it would be, maybe he thinks that the reason his life isn't perfect yet is because the divorce isn't final. It's like H and the OW still have a common enemy, ME---the evil wife, that they can "bond" over. Right now he can still blame his unhappiness on me. I've heard that many times they MLCer's can't see what they've lost until it's really gone. Maybe it's because they get what they think they want---a divorce and you out of their life---and then they realize that they STILL aren't happy.

That's also part of the reasoning for the concept of "going dark." If you aren't in contact with them anymore---no more pressuring them to do things or talk about things they don't want to think about---and they are still miserable, they sometimes see that it must be something other than you causing their misery.

I'm afraid my H may be one of the hard-headed cases. And with realizing that, I've realized that I can't sit around and wait on him to figure it out. It's like what I said in my last post to you. He may NEVER figure it out. That would be terribly sad, but there's NOTHING I CAN DO to force it.

I've got to figure out how to move forward with my life for my kids' sake and my own sake. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but just realizing that I HAVE to is a big step for me. I can't live my life as though I'm waiting for my H to come home. I can still pray for that to happen, I can still have hope that will happen, but I can't sit and wait for it.

I am just amazed that I have spent my entire life with my hubby and after 31 years together, he just walks out and has never turned back. I guess that is the hardest thing for me to understand. There was no warning, no nothing. I kissed him good-bye, said I will see you this evening, I have a surprise for you when you get home, and he replied...don't bother, I'm not coming home. I thought he was talking in his sleep and what a weird thing for him to say!!! Little did I know. It just truly amazes me how he could do that and after 7 months has never looked back, changed his mind, wanted to get together and talk, NOTHING! Why???

I didn't have any warning, either, so I know how hard this is. It turns your whole world upside down. You start to question everything you ever knew or thought to be true about your life together.

I don't have any answers for the "why." There are a lot of wonderful posts in the MLC Resources and MLC archives threads that try to answer the big questions.

tpaschal, you have been doing this for a lot longer than me. I admire your strength and endurance. I wonder when will I know to give up hope? When do I accept that my life with him with us is over? When will I stand up for myself, my boys, and my life and say enough? At this point....I still love him. When will I stop loving him? Caring for him? Want to hear his voice? See his face? Get an email from him? See his hands? Feel his touch? I miss him so much. What he is looking for he has right here at home. What we have is something that many people search for their entire life. How do I get him to see that?

2ndNoah, believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My H had an amazing life---living the American dream. So it makes absolutely no sense that he's doing this. But I'll say it again. There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to MAKE him see that.

NOTHING.

God is waiting there with healing for your H that would help him figure it all out, but your H has to ask for that healing on his own. Just like you can't MAKE an alcoholic get help, and you can't MAKE an overweight person lose weight, you cannot MAKE an MLC'er see the truth of what they are doing and losing. I truly believe that there is component of mental illness to MLC.

You may never stop loving and missing your H. I still love and miss mine. But it does get easier with time. It's just like when a beloved friend or relative dies. After a while the pain isn't as fresh and immediate as in the beginning. It doesn't mean that you quit loving that person, you just find a way to deal with the grief and keep on living even though they aren't there anymore.

What it takes a long time to get to is realizing that moving forward with your life doesn't have to mean giving up hope. You just can't let it run your life.

Did you ever see a doctor about going on anti-depressants for a little while? I think they could help you. They don't make the pain go away, but they do help you cope with it better.

I'm praying for you. {{{hugs for Noah}}}

[tpaschal]

What have I done? Someone tell me so I can fix it.

2ndNoah,

Don't do this to yourself.

You were not perfect, but you did NOT cause this. And there is NOTHING you can do to fix it.

Only God can fix it. Surrender it to Him.