Arrrgh! You guys are taking all the fun out of snooping! Alrighty then. Here's a mini-vow not to snoop until Saturday, at least. That's not 2 weeks, or even a week, but it's longer than I've managed to go since the bomb hit almost 4 weeks ago. For me, no snooping will mean mainly no checking her new cellphone, but also no checking her email, no checking the computer keystroke recorder file, no checking the phone "minutes used" online, and no calling her just to find out where she is. Just to let you know how nuts this is making me, some steps I haven't taken, but have thought about include installing hidden cameras and microphones in her car and at home, and hiring a private investigator. It's a good thing I commute so far to work, otherwise I'd probably be tempted to drive past the OG's house to check for her car being there.
I know that I really should stop it. Sage and dcr, you are probably right about the effect that the snooping has on me and my own attitudes. At this point, if all she is doing is calling him, I can probably handle that, at least a little while longer.
Yesterday evening was a nice followup to Sunday. My W was very affectionate again, as we sat together on the couch and watched TV for a couple of hours until bedtime, proactively taking my hand, or putting her head on my shoulder, or giving me "real" kisses (ya know, like a wife, not a mother). Very cool, and definitely better than even, say, a week ago.
All of which sends the gotta-snoop demons away, temporarily. After all, she can't be calling the OG, and absolutely can't be seeing him if she's being like this, right? Right! Probably. Maybe. Or, maybe not. The anxiety has been building slowly throughout the day. It's worst during the times of day when I know that she could be seeing him. The thought of that makes me ill.
I want to trust the changes I see in my W, I really do. If she hadn't been such a convincing liar the last few months... But no, it's not even that, really. These changes ARE real, I'm not imagining them, she's not faking them. So what is it? I think it's that I fear that there is a ceiling to how much better she is ever going to feel about me, especially with him still in the picture. I'm still always going to be the guy with whom she has a lot of baggage, the guy with whom there are going to be some bad memories, disagreements about finances, the kids, household chores, etc (although I'm trying to avoid pretty much any and all disagreement with her, now). He is still Mr. Fantasy, the guy that she can talk to about anything, the guy with whom there are no problems, no bad memories, only seemingly great potential.
So what am I saying? I guess it is just that as long as she still calls him, I am unsure that I can compete, that every minor flaw or problem will be amplified and exagerated, that conversation with me will be mundane and boring by comparison. And I don't even want to think about what she may think about the comparison in the sexual realm.
Reading my own words just now, I see a lack of confidence in both myself and in DBing. I don't think I have ever suffered a fundamental lack of confidence in myself, but then again, these last few months have not been self-esteem building times.
I know I should trust DBing. I've read so many success stories, such as yours. And as successful as you all have been, it's clear that these anxiety issues linger on. So I'll try to cut myself some slack, and let it go a little bit.
You were also unanimous that I should not confront my W about the cellphone. It's clear to me too. I need to give her that space and it would be counterproductive to do otherwise.
Did you ever see the movie City Slickers? In it, the Billy Crystal character asks the Jack Palance character the meaning of life. "One thing", was his response. "Yes, but what is that one thing?", Crystal says, and he spends much of the movie trying to pry the answer out of Palance. Later, he realizes that the one thing is different for each person, and that for him, the answer is his wife and family. That guy is me, too.
