I think we are in a rut

[klm]

Ya I DO know that the money and job sitch do worry her so we will see.. We have been making positive baby steps

I can understand that...be patient. Maybe she has to feel like she is contributing for her to feel she "deserves" you.

[Abbey]

Like you Kris... I trusted implicitly. We gave each other way too much freedom and ended up neglecting each other in the process. Mine's got the added idea that my suddenly having "a life" or trying to while he was on the golf course playing 2 rounds a day... is ME acting single. *bangs head on desk repeatedly*

He's busy trying to justify his ... er... affaaaaaaaair ... in his own head by rewriting history. As I mentioned in my own thread,... I went quiet on him when I came back from the T and very calmly set a boundary there. "We neglected each other. I'm not going to argue with you, but I WILL NOT allow you to rewrite history that simply disregards YOUR part in this marriage melt down."

Still odder ... is that HE still thinks I had an affair on him- my women's intuition tells me this through and through. I had a fondness for a friend because I was left alone for 4 years.... I've admitted my part in this mess. He has not... has decided it's easier to tell me what he thinks I want to hear to get on to ... whatever.

Abbey

[GoingForward]

If I "move on" while leaving the door open for H....does that not keep me in limbo land?

I guess it depends on how you look at it, and everyone's timeline is different. Personally, moving on for me meant letting go of the past, forgiving H for his mistakes, forgiving myself for my own, GAL, and doing things that made me feel good. Had to make myself happy because no one else could or even should be expected to do that for me. That will always be my own responsibility. Anyhow, I finally began to move forward in my life despite my H's ambivalence. It was hard, I won't lie, but I had to do it for my own personal well-being.

However, while I was 'moving on' and living my life, I also knew that I ultimately wanted my family back. I wanted my M back. So even though I went and did my own thing for all that time, I still chose to leave the door open for my H. If he chose to come in, good. If not, then at least I know I tried everything and never gave up. At least I knew that I never totally shut him out.

Again, this is my perspective, and I completely understand it's different for everyone.

Frankly, he simply has this twisted belief that it's better to leave it hidden. (in other words for HIM... certainly... for her cuz she's married... but certainly NOT for me.)

My H has the same belief. He says he does it to protect me..BS, he does it to protect HIM. He even admitted that when I called him on it.

Perhaps it's BOTH.

Perhaps H does it to protect you from the pain he knows it will cause you, and perhaps he feels it also protects him from feeling the guilt he's likely to feel. I'm positive he feels it already, and that is one reason, if not the main one, why it's hard for him to come around and initiate contact. It's got to be painfully difficult to face the one you loved so much yet hurt so badly.

The UPs also have their own inner turmoil to endure, and they are unable to help you with yours when they can't even bring themselves to deal with their own.

Sometimes we, the LBSs, have to try to remember this. We should try to understand them the way we want them to understand us. Empathy and validation should go both ways.

[klm]

Thanks Abbey and GF.

Personally, moving on for me meant letting go of the past, forgiving H for his mistakes, forgiving myself for my own, GAL, and doing things that made me feel good. Had to make myself happy because no one else could or even should be expected to do that for me.

Totally agree. Here is the thing, I AM happy (although I would be a lot happier if that dang house would sell). I am finally there again. I never depended on H to MAKE me happy. I was unhappy in the beginning of this...but who wouldn't be? I haven't really let go of the past yet. I haven't really forgiven H yet either....but I could do both if he would just be open honest with me. Otherwise I have no closure. Why doesn't he get that????

However, while I was 'moving on' and living my life, I also knew that I ultimately wanted my family back. I wanted my M back. So even though I went and did my own thing for all that time, I still chose to leave the door open for my H. If he chose to come in, good. If not, then at least I know I tried everything and never gave up. At least I knew that I never totally shut him out.

What would have made you shut the door? You mentioned that you dated someone else...would you have always let your H come back? If so, how is that fair to the person you dated? GF, please know that I am not judging you in any way, just trying to understand how to move on and still leave the door open.

As you can probably tell from my most recent posts, I am just really at that point of shutting it I think. I feel like I want to have a convo with H and telling him that I need him to put forth some effort and if he doesn't want to we will file for D. I really feel like I will be ok with whatever answer he gives me.

As I am typing, H called me at work.
H: Just wondering if you knew the number to the salon.
K: Yes
H: Will you text it to me, I can't write it down right now.
K: Ok
H: Alright, I appreciate it.
I haven't talked to him since Monday...and I don't even get a hey how's it going? How are you? Nothing. The R just feels so empty. I need more.

[GoingForward]

I haven't really let go of the past yet. I haven't really forgiven H yet either....but I could do both if he would just be open honest with me. Otherwise I have no closure. Why doesn't he get that????

Ya got me! It's like with my H - why can't he understand that I'm not a mind reader?!!

My H once said to me, "There's no chip I can implant in my brain to remember all of this. I can't just push a button and KNOW what to do all the time."

Dang, maybe I should've told him that yesterday!

What would have made you shut the door?

Ya know, I honestly do not know. That is a VERY good question, Kris. Will have to think about that one. Perhaps I never thought about it because in the back of my mind, I always held out hope that H would one day come back and actively work on the M with me. Although there were many times I felt like giving up (and still do sometimes ), I never actually let the thought die inside of me.

You mentioned that you dated someone else...would you have always let your H come back? If so, how is that fair to the person you dated? GF, please know that I am not judging you in any way, just trying to understand how to move on and still leave the door open.

No worries, Kris.

This is what I posted awhile back:

I would never suggest to anyone to go out and date if they are S'ed from their H/W, and if I gave that impression in my previous post, I apologize. It was not my intent at all.

When my H and I S'ed back in '05, I had NO desire whatsoever to be with anyone else, even after a year went by, and I was approached quite often. Wasn't really ready for it, but mostly I just didn't want to go there. H came to me, rather frequently, always saying he wanted to work things out, then would leave when he got the reassurance he was seeking from me (basically that I was still open to reconciliation and I wasn't going anywhere). After that, nothing more would follow.

I finally said to myself one day, "He might never come back....so what am I waiting for?" I needed to get out of the house, and I needed to feel alive again.

I did a bunch of the GAL things - hung out with friends and family, viewed art exhibits, went to see plays, supported the h.s. by attending bingo night , read a book while enjoying coffee at one of the local coffee houses, etc, etc....and I told myself, "Alright. If someone asks me out again, and he's good-looking , why not? I'll give it a try." I couldn't sit and wait and do nothing any longer. I felt I had to show my H that I wasn't going to wait on him anymore. I had to show him that I could, and would, move on if he wasn't going to come back. I was not going to wait on him forever.

After I did that, that's when I met the man I dated for all that time. He approached me at a coffee house, commented on the book I was reading (by Michael Connelly - I'm a big mystery/thriller fan!), and before leaving, he asked if he could have the pleasure of chatting with me again. Things went on from there.

And I was always very upfront and honest with him. I told him of my entire situation, and I made sure he understood that if one day my H chose to finally get his a$$ in gear, that our R would cease and I would be going back to H. He appreciated my honesty and candor and still was always very respectful.

Anyway, I have no regrets about dating while H and I were S'ed. Like I said, I had to do something different. I had to let go and move on, but I always held out hope for my H to return to me.

There was always open and honest communication with the guy I dated. He understood where I was and always respected that, and it was the same in reverse. I believe we were both lucky and very mature there.

I haven't talked to him since Monday...and I don't even get a hey how's it going? How are you? Nothing. The R just feels so empty. I need more.

(((((I'm sorry, Kris.))))) I know how much it sucks.

You're trying, and it's always frustrating when it seems they aren't. Gotta be strong, ok?

What are you doing this weekend to GAL?!!

[klm]

Thanks GF. Our situations are different because we don't have kids. That is why I am thinking I when I move on...I have to completely shut that door. If I don't, it could keep me from ever having a healthy relationship with anyone else. I really think I would feel different if we had kids. I probably would always leave that door open.

If you didn't have kids do you think you would have taken your H back??...or would you have moved on with the other guy? You may not be able to answer that, just curious.

As for this weekend, I am going to meet up with the in-laws. I was going to go tonight and spend the night but it is storming really bad and we are supposed to have tornadoes. I am thinking now I will just get up in the morning and go. To be honest I would rather stay here and hang out with friends....but I already made a committment to them so I need to stick with it.

[MichelleLT]

Well, you can always hang out with friends tonight right?

I can't even imagine a real tornado - we get dust devils, earthquakes, fires, and floods here, but somehow (maybe cuz I'm used to it) they don't bother me the way the thought of a real tornado does.

[klm]

Well, you can always hang out with friends tonight right?

Yep...and I plan on it.

Yeah, tornadoes can be scary. That is funny how you say a "real" tornado.

[Starshyne]

klm,
I've been thinking about you and your sitch. It is great that you are at a point where you are happy in your life. I think that says a lot about where you are emotionally in this process. I do think that those of us who don't have children are in a different place that those that do. We have no obligation to keep the door open even a crack once certain financial things are taken care of. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing....

Hope the tornados don't hit your area! I've lived through a few tornados (hehe...real tornados) in my time and they aren't fun. But they also don't scare THAT much...now earthquakes freak me out. Like GF said abotu tornados, I have never been in a "real" earthquake and one is supposed to hit us one of these days really bad and it freaks me out!

[MichelleLT]

Well, dust devils are sort of like small tornadoes. You gotta watch for them in certain areas and if you can change lanes on the road to avoid them it's recommended, but they're not gonna pick your car up or even blow you off the road if you've got both hands solidly on the wheel in preparation.

Earthquakes on the other hand...one of the things I remember about elementary school was earthquake drills. I've been through a few, although not terribly big ones (at least where I was, which was far enough from the epicenter that it had lost some energy) so they don't scare me too much.

I guess it's just a matter of what you are exposed to.

It's funny, because I think the same thing applies to all areas of life - even R. We are all stronger because of the hardships we have endured and we have proven that we can cope with some crazy $h!t lol.