Ah, the voice of experience. I know that what you say is true, Sage, intellectually speaking. Of course if I need to verify through snooping I don't trust. However, and this is just a small example, email snooping has verified (although infrequently) her continued no contact with most recent OM. This is not simply absence of evidence, because I know that doesn't equate with real evidence. In my case, my W has a close friend that she tells all to (more than she shares with me). She confided to that friend that she hasn't seen OM since d-day and I took that as a very positive sign.
I know that for the most part, snooping is destructive (mostly to my own sanity), for all the reasons you outline. Like an addict, however, I have a hard time stopping cold turkey. My personal goal has been to reduce the snooping over time. In positive, measurable terms, I have been trying to go at least 3 days per week without any snoop attempts (so far so good). If I can manage this for another week or so, I will increase the no snooping days to 5 for 2 more weeks, then hopefully I can rid myself of it entirely in 1 more month.
Personally, my W has been doing the other stuff you suggested and it has helped, but now says she resents me for having to do these things (let me know where she is, who she's with, etc.). I think we moved into that area too soon. She's obviously not ready to show that she's trustworty yet. I suppose I'll just have to keep on DBing until she's ready.
