How to get past the sex thing

[sage]

Hi dcr -- Nice to meet you (but sorry it's under these circumstances!). I'm gonna ASSume that Brian won't mind a continued discussion here on his thread....

Brian (and Sage),

I know that stopping the snooping is a DB recommendation, but how will you know if she's stopped contact with the OM unless you snoop?

How will you know even if you DO snoop? NOT finding something doesn't prove anything, right? Maybe it just means that you didn't look in the right place or that s/he has gotten better about hiding stuff or whatever. I'm not trying to make you feel worse (really!) but the absence of finding "evidence" ISN'T evidence...it's just an impetus to keep searching until you find SOMETHING. And, it seems as though if you look long and hard enough, you will find SOMETHING -- maybe not evidence of the affair -- but something that looks suspicious or that they didn't tell you about, or whatever.

The only outcome of snooping that seems to satisfy the snooper is to actually find something.

So, let's assume that your DB efforts continue to succeed and your W seems to recommit to your M. How do you begin to trust again without knowing that you're no longer dealing with lies and deceit?

Are you really trusting if you need "proof" that nothing's going on?

Are you saying you just have to trust again without ever having the wayward spouse have to demonstrate trustworthiness?

Not at all -- your spouse SHOULD demonstrate trustworthiness -- but what does that have to do with your snooping? Your spouse isn't demonstrating anything then, are they? YOU'RE the one demonstrating at that point! Trustworthiness from your mate is when they call you to tell you where they are, or when they tell you the most minute detail of their day or when they reassure you without you even asking or ...

I realize that snooping is controlling and can result in a lot of resentment, but it is a crutch I can't seem to do entirely without now that there is no trust.

So, there's the dilemma....the very actions that you're using to try to make yourself feel better can lead to resentment and feeling like crap (even if you don't find something, don't you feel lousy after snooping? I do!)

My recommendation is that you find something else that you can use as support for your PMA -- exercise, meditation, a new hobby, etc. (not to mention DB'ing of course!!!)

Before the affair, I was never a snooper (never saw the need), but now I'm often tempted. So for you veterans of affairs and DBing, how do you eventually learn to trust the words and actions of your spouse after infidelity?

It takes time. And hard work on your part. And on theirs (hopefully!). And it takes throwing caution to the wind and somehow believing that no matter what happens, trusting is the right thing to do....AND, it takes two steps forward and one step back...over and over and over and over again. I'm still working through it myself.....

And, in NO way do I mean to make this sound easy. It blows.

Sage