Forget the "withdrawal/conflict/intimacy" loop; I think you need to read up more on DETACHMENT. You are way too hung up on what SHE is going to TELL you, much less what she is going to DO. You're all over the road, man, and I mean that as a loving 2x4 and not as a slam, cuz dude, I'VE BEEN THERE.
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I thought I'd try to reason with her this time, not that you can reason with a wayward.
You just answered your own question! So why are you doing it??
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I'm going to talk to her tonight, tell her that NC is an absolute minimum.
You've already TOLD her all of this, ad infinitum. Kudos to you for nutting up the nerve to do it, but -- having done it -- MOVE ON. DETACH. GET A LIFE, and follow the DB stuff that MWD teaches about making yourself more attractive. But do it for YOU. You're beating your wife over the head with the same thing, over and over again, and there's nothing she can SAY, anyway, that should make a difference to you. If she ASKS YOU, then say "Actions, over time -- not words" and move on. But you need to stop initiating the 10th time you're laying out your "terms" to her, in my opinion.
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If she won't agree to NC then I'm going to see a lawyer.
I'd suggest you give it some time. Don't tell HER your timetable; only tell her that "my patience isn't infinite, so please hurry," but YOU should have one. Maybe it's six months (I personally think that's a good time frame), or maybe it's only 3 or even one. But give it your best shot, in FULL, LOVING DETACHMENT MODE, while not allowing your boundaries to be violated unchallenged. Don't you want to be able to tell your kids you did that?
And speaking of your kids . . .
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I'll also tell her she can do the right thing and move out nicely or she can make me spend DS19's college money to make her move.
I meant to bring this up to you before, but please don't use your kids' college funds as a weapon, and don't use your KIDS as a weapon. You exposed to them; they're 15 and 19, I think that's good and appropriate. Some would disagree. But having done that, DON'T KEEP INVOLVING THEM. I made this mistake; we ALL do. It's very easy to fall into, but this is going to be a tough, confusing enough time for them. Try not to use them as a weapon, or even as your own "confidante." Come here for that, and we will help you.
btw, if she gives you the "don't tell the kids anything more" line again, simply say "You're in no position to dictate the agenda of what we tell our children. I have told them the TRUTH, period, and I will continue to do so. I suggest you do the same. Now please don't bring this subject up again."
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Let her know I was throwing her an olive branch but obviously she is still so f'd up over OM that she didn't see it
Enemies don't respect weakness, H4U, and right now, your wife does NOT have your -- or your marriage's -- best interests at heart, sad to say. Stop expecting her to "do the right thing," but rather just lay out for her (as you already have, and quite well!) what the consequences are if she doesn't. You seem to be looking to her to acknowledge your virtue and efforts here, and she is the LAST one who's going to do that for you. Take your kudos from within, and from us here, and from your sons, with whom you're doing great work. Your wife will be the LAST to come around, if she ever does, and you have absolutely ZERO control over when, or even WHETHER, she does.
