God give me the patience and the strength...2

[a new 2moro]

Until death do us part. I meant those words

PLEASE DONT LET THE DEATH PART COME TO FRUITION...SWEETIE...YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP

[Nutty Chick]

I want to draw you all a clear picture. My H is not a WIFE BEATER!

You are in denial.

This does not happen on a regular basis, not even once in awhile. He has hit me or pushed me maybe a total of 10 times in 24 years.

Once is one time too many.

I am not justifying or making exuses for him. It IS NOT RIGHT! never has been. But I learned a long long time ago, it's not me he is lashing out at.

That does not make it ok. You are making excuses for him.



[/quote]



TOH.

Is this broken man what you really want or is it a matter of pride and you don't want to lose him to OW?


NC

[theotherhalf]

Now your H calls all sweet as pie and you're sucking it all up- because you can't be a b*tch? Wait a minute! Nothing is changing. This is the same pattern. Change it.

I didn't suck anything up. He talked...I listened...I hung up. I was not nice to him. He was not sweet. He apologized as any human being should. I did not tell him it was okay. There was no buttering up on either end.

the calls from him the other night were like nothing ever happened. And yea it p*ssed me off. But what good does it do for any of us if we are fighting? I have thought I should have just said I don't want to talk to you or I don't want to hear anything you have to say. But, what does that gain? And then I wouldn't know about all the stuff happening with the new job. (Insurance, pay, etc...). I'd like to think that I have been being the bigger person in this because I don't play any games. I'm not being petty. I am not letting my anger or hurt control my actions (well towards OW I have). One of us has to stay sane.

[theotherhalf]

Okay I really feel backed against the wall here. You people are very special to me and I don't even know you. I don't know how I would have got through this last year with all your help. I thank God for each of you.

BUT....

NONE of you can judge me, my H, or my LIFE until you've lived it. I understand where you are all coming from. I know that some of what you are saying is true. In most abuse cases you are 100% right. Men/Woman do not deserve to be abused by another for any reason!!!!Domestic Violence is serious and should be stopped. I grew up in a Violent home. It was Dad getting drunk. Coming home. Mom had a terrible temper. She would hit him. Dad was never violent. Finally they divorced after 13 years. Then mom took her temper out on me. Lived that for 3 years then I left. My husband grew up in a very Violent home. His dad was an alcholic and very very violent. He used to beat the heck out of his mom. I don't think he was ever physical to the kids. But I seen some of what he did to Mom. He would get drunk and throw major fits with her. Even tear up the house. He would blacken her eyes. Leave bruises. Etc...THAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! I watch TV. I watch Lifetime Television. There are alot of serious issues out there. Alot of people in really scary situations.

THIS IS NOT ME!!!!! I agree with you...I don't deserve to be hit. For any reason. But I have never been abused by my H. By my mother? Absolutely. But never by my H. He has never flew off at me for no reason. He has never come home and just beat on me for the fun of it. He has never taken a bad day out on me. He has never. I'd say 8 out of 10 times he lost his temper with me because he got drunk and I wouldn't let him drive.

You know...I am writing this knowing that it is doing me no good. I am talking to a wall. I UNDERSTAND what you are all saying but your wrong in my sitch. You are. I don't need a shelter because there is no danger. Yes my H does need mental help for many issues. But he is not this man you are seeing through circumstances. He is not a danger to me or my girls. I don't know how to make you see and believe. And you can't unless you have been here. And NO MY girls have NEVER seen anything. They know about the other night but they also know that he has never done this before. They too know that if I would have just left it would have never went that far. They know too that this is NOT the father/uncle that they have lived with, known, loved for 16/14 years. They know that there is something very wrong with him. They feel as I do. They are angry at him, they are worried about him, they pity him. But do we fear him? NO WAY.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for trying to help. But I am just fine. I still need your support. I still want to be able to come here for your help. But I understand if you think I am a lost cause and there is no help for me. I hope that there is someone out there that can understand enough to be still here for me.

LUV,
TOH

[WCW]

TOH, I think I understand how you feel but do not deny what is going on with your H AND WITH YOU. I was in a R and wasn't sure if I wanted to stay with that guy or not, the very first time he raised a hand to me I ended it. I am in a M with H, he sleeps on the couch. One weekend we had I thought was very nice together, when I was going to bed I took his hand and asked him to come to bed with me. He exploded and we had the only physical fight in our then 10 years. I was black and blue and there were broken doors. It wasn't worse because H was not strong then as he was just at the end of 9 months of recovering from a real bad injury. It was also when ow was high priority in his life. I didn't leave, I think he snapped that night and I will probably never know why. It has not happened again.

If you want to stay in a M with your H that is your decision.
If you want him back in your house that is your decison.
What you MUST do is change what you are doing!
I keep asking you what is your H seeing when he looks back to see what he is leaving behind.
TOH, what woman is he seeing?
Is that a woman he wants to be home with?

Start over.
Read DR, 5LL, Mars and Venus, Passionate Marriage, and books on how to control you and your anger.

[cagzmom]

Please hear me- us-

If you read what you wrote yesterday "the day after" it shows you have been abused - FOR YEARS!! You are BLAMING you for the fact that he hit you - beat you.

Your words " i shouldn't have..." "I knew better.."

Yes you are right - you should have stayed away etc. BUT KNOWONE DESERVES TO BE BEAT KNOWONE!!

I watched abuse ok - it messed me up. My dad didn't "beat my mom all the time either..." BUT HE DID!! You said it maybe 10 times in 24 years....1 time is too much!!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR YOUR DAUGHTER IF THIS HAPPENED???

Think about HER and your Neice! What are you showing them?!! If you can't get him out of your life for YOU then do it for them.....

[cagzmom]

real quick ---- and please hear me cause I read your post after I wrote mine...

You are right about the "typical" domestic violence. Adn that is great that you don't feel that you are in harm. BUT you have been abused emotionally - read your post sweetie...really read it....

you have been so wonderful - so honest. If people didn't get a little defensive for you on here it wouldn't be right. YOU DESERVE A LIFE FILLED with joy. You have been through so much this past year - so much.

[a new 2moro]

He has hit me or pushed me maybe a total of 10 times in 24 years. I am not justifying or making exuses for him.

yes you are. you are taking ownership of what happened

But if my H and I get D and he stays with her, she does win. She set out to break up our M, our F, and take my H for her own and that is what is happening. SHE will get to grow old with him, SHE will get to laugh with him, SHE will get to cry with him, SHE will get to share in his future, SHE will get to spend the rest of her days with him. NOt ME.

uhmmm she gets the abuse too....it wont end w/you.

And last night was the very first time he's ever hit me sober

hes escalating..it will become easier for him. hes crossed that threshold.

My H is not a WIFE BEATER!

what part of this do you not see?????

try and figure out where I go from here..

far far away from that man

[Nutty Chick]

Dear TOH.


Can I make the point, that, both you and your H have, by the sounds of it, had very abusive childhoods. With that in mind maybe what you are using as a benchmark as what is acceptable and what is not, is very different from people who have not had an abusive childhood. Just because your H isn’t as abusive as your mum .. or his dad doesn’t make what he is does OK. Violence is violence. Where do you draw the line? A push? A shove? A kick? A punch? Broken bones where?

Is it also fair to say that your H behaviour is getting progressively worse? At first he only hit you when he was drunk .. not he is sober. He used to be faithful now he has OW. He promised to love you and never divorce and yet he is treating you worse than he would a stranger on the street.

YOU are showing yourself no respect by continuing to allow him to treat you worse than a dog. Why should he respect you?

You are not talking to a brick wall; I hear what you are saying loud and clear,. I hear that you feel your husband is sick, (So is mine is a very different way, but equally as damaged) I hear that you want to help him and want him to get better. (I do but not at the expense of my own mental health) But what I don’t understand is why you are continuing to do what isn’t working. Your H is tearing you apart and blaming you. He acts as if he hates you and says YOU need to draw him back in. WHO does he think he is? Why are you trying to save a man who doesn’t want to be saved? I just don’t get it? If I was you I would leave him and OW to drink themselves to death and get on with my own life.

NC

[Nutty Chick]

You are right about the "typical" domestic violence. Adn that is great that you don't feel that you are in harm. BUT you have been abused emotionally - read your post sweetie...really read it....

Too true. You have been conditioned to think this is normal from your childhood. You H seems to be acting out what he saw growing up. Be prepared and at least have a back up plan in case things get worse

It isn't your fault.

NC