This is going to be a long post. Thanks in advance to any who slog through it all. I had a great and terrible day yesterday, and I need the advice of Kim, Sage (what a perfectly appropriate name!), and any others who can help. You’ll see the reasons for my confusion.
1st, let's start with the terrible, to get it over with. Yesterday morning, while snooping (unfortunately, I’ve found that I’m damn good at it, and I find that I have such a need to know), I found a new cellphone that my W had hidden in her car. She had ordered it on Thursday, after we had argued on Wednesday. She had accused me of constantly checking up on her. I really hadn’t been checking up on her that much, but now it’s clear why she was so concerned about it – she hasn’t stopped the contact with the OG. The cellphone bill is being sent to the OG’s house. She received the phone on Friday. She made 2 short calls to the OG on Saturday, received one from him, and also had 7 missed calls from him (while she was working).
Several things are clear. 1. She has been in regular contact with him. I don’t know if she has seen him since D-day (more on that in a minute). 2. She is willing to go to some trouble and expense to make it happen (she probably had to make a year-long commitment for the phone service). 3. She wants to continue the contact more than she fears the consequences of my finding out.
Obviously, this was devastating and terrible. My 1st instinct was to confront her immediately. And I think that if I did and demanded that she stop all contact, give up the cellphone, etc., she would again promise to do just that. The problem, of course, would be that it would be another lie, made only to placate me. I don’t think she would stop the contact, any more than she did before. And I want her to make the decision to stop of her own free will, her own decision. Also, I had vowed to make Sunday a good day (thanks for reminding me, Kim), and it was to be our only full day together for another week. So I decided not to confront her, at least for now.
So why was it also a great day? Let me backtrack to Saturday night. She came home from work a little early, as she had said she might. We watched a video, and she ended up falling asleep in my arms. After the movie, I woke her up, intending nothing more than to go to bed in our room. But one thing led to another, and we ended up making love on the couch. Very nice.
We woke up on Sunday and cuddled a little before getting up. We made breakfast together and ate it on the swing on the balcony. Then we talked and cuddled out there for awhile. Again, very nice. Then she went to take a shower.
That’s when I snooped and found the phone. It took me a few minutes to stop shaking and calm down. I decided to have a “gentle” R talk with her. After she finished dressing, she came over to where I was and sat down. I asked her if she thought we were going to make it through all this. She said yes, that she was starting to feel better about us and thought we would get through it. We discussed how volatile the situation is right now, and how we both blow up at each other too easily these days. I talked about how worried I was about her contacting the OG (I didn’t tell her what I knew), how I didn’t think our M could improve if she was contacting him, and how I think that being in contact with him will inevitably lead to sleeping with him again, and a continued full-blown A. I also told her that I hated the idea that ultimately I would be forced to make a decision I really didn’t want to have to make. I said it in this way to imply that kicking her out of the house and telling the kids, family and friends would be the consequence of her sleeping with him again (I’ve said as much before), but I was trying to find a more gentle way of saying it. I asked her if she understood. She said, “yes, of course”, and put her arms around me.
I also asked her if she had been in contact with or seen the OG. She denied it of course. I don’t know why I asked. I knew that she would deny it. There was really no point, other than to observe her as she lied.
One thing she said, however, really caught my attention. She said that it wasn’t so much that she wanted to see the OG or be with him, it was more that she really missed talking to him, like it would be if any other good friend had suddenly gone out of her life. Could that be a sign that she has, in fact, not seen him, but just wants to talk to him (not that even that is OK)? Or is my generally optimistic nature reading too much into that? Again, who knows.
Anyway, it got better. We talked about going away on a short trip together to Las Vegas, maybe at the end of this month, if we can arrange babysitting. Before we were married, we used to take such trips regularly. But not arranging such trips during our M is one of the things that she has blamed me for (rightly), that have resulted in her unhappiness. We also talked about other plans of ours. It felt good to be discussing the future, a future in which it is assumed we are together. The R talk was about as good as it could have been, given the subjects we discussed, and given what I knew.
We then went to a party down the block. While there, we held hands and she came over to sit on my lap after we had been separated for awhile. I told her how beautiful she was and she smiled and seemed really appreciative of the compliment. It’s not flattery, she really is beautiful, but how rarely I’ve told her that over the last 8 years.
After the party, which finished mid-afternoon, we went home and sat down. She read a magazine and I dozed in her lap. When I woke up, I started rubbing her leg, and we ended up making love in the spare bedroom. She was very into it, and it was very, very nice. I probably shouldn’t make sex into more than it is – for all I know she could have been thinking about the OG the whole time – but twice within 24 hours is very unusual for us (at least lately), and I felt very connected to her.
We then went with our boys into the pool, and she was again very affectionate, sitting on my lap on the steps. Later, we were laying out and drinking margaritas, and I noticed that she had her engagement ring on. She had taken both her engagement and wedding rings off some time ago, and had asked me not to pressure her into wearing them until she is “ready”. So what does wearing one ring mean? That she is now half-committed? Who knows, and I didn’t ask. I did ask, however, when she had put it on, and she answered “earlier today”. I didn’t want to make too big a deal of it, so I just said, “that’s really nice, sweetheart”, and left it at that.
Later on, we went out for a quick dinner and to see the movie Bruce Almighty. It was very funny, it felt good to laugh so much with her. I felt like a teenager, we held hands, and cuddled close together. Again, very nice.
To wrap up the day (no, we didn’t have sex again, we were both pretty tired), she came to bed in a rather racy pajama top that I had given to her a few years ago. She had never worn it much, and generally wears something much more conservative. Maybe it didn’t mean anything to her, but it seemed somehow very sweet to me, and I commented on how I liked it.
Overall, it would have been a day that I would put into my overall Top 5 List (have you ever seen the movie High Fidelity? Great flick), if I hadn’t discovered the cellphone (other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?).
So now, my dilemma. Should I confront her about the cellphone? When, or under what circumstances? Or, should I just continue to try to DB, and not tell her what I know? My inclination is to wait and see how much contact they have (she has made snooping very easy), and not confront her right away. Things between us are very fragile right now. I can’t follow up a day like yesterday with a confrontation today. On the other hand, no matter how good yesterday was, it was only one day (the cellphone is probably for one year!). I don’t think I can ignore it forever, or for even, say, one month.
So I am soliciting any and all opinions and advice, although I have no right to expect that anyone has taken the time to read this whole post, given its length. Actually, it was worth it for me to gather my thoughts together, even if no one responds.
