I think we are in a rut

[GoingForward]

If I "move on" while leaving the door open for H....does that not keep me in limbo land?

I guess it depends on how you look at it, and everyone's timeline is different. Personally, moving on for me meant letting go of the past, forgiving H for his mistakes, forgiving myself for my own, GAL, and doing things that made me feel good. Had to make myself happy because no one else could or even should be expected to do that for me. That will always be my own responsibility. Anyhow, I finally began to move forward in my life despite my H's ambivalence. It was hard, I won't lie, but I had to do it for my own personal well-being.

However, while I was 'moving on' and living my life, I also knew that I ultimately wanted my family back. I wanted my M back. So even though I went and did my own thing for all that time, I still chose to leave the door open for my H. If he chose to come in, good. If not, then at least I know I tried everything and never gave up. At least I knew that I never totally shut him out.

Again, this is my perspective, and I completely understand it's different for everyone.

Frankly, he simply has this twisted belief that it's better to leave it hidden. (in other words for HIM... certainly... for her cuz she's married... but certainly NOT for me.)

My H has the same belief. He says he does it to protect me..BS, he does it to protect HIM. He even admitted that when I called him on it.

Perhaps it's BOTH.

Perhaps H does it to protect you from the pain he knows it will cause you, and perhaps he feels it also protects him from feeling the guilt he's likely to feel. I'm positive he feels it already, and that is one reason, if not the main one, why it's hard for him to come around and initiate contact. It's got to be painfully difficult to face the one you loved so much yet hurt so badly.

The UPs also have their own inner turmoil to endure, and they are unable to help you with yours when they can't even bring themselves to deal with their own.

Sometimes we, the LBSs, have to try to remember this. We should try to understand them the way we want them to understand us. Empathy and validation should go both ways.