More confusion. This morning, while looking for an item I had misplaced (I wasn't snooping), I found my W's cellphone under the seat of her car. Normally she keeps it in her purse. I couldn't resist the urge, and checked the phone to see who she'd been calling or had called her. She had erased all of her call lists. I put the phone back, and didn't talk to her about it. I checked her cellphone minutes used, online, and they are not that high (especially as compared to before D-day).
As I said in my last post, the snooping now seems to lead to suspicions, but not hard evidence. Do I think she has called the OG in the last few days? Yeah, more likely than not, but if so, they haven't been the big long calls. If I confronted her, would she admit it? Not sure, but in any case I can't imagine any good outcome. I don't want to hear another empty promise, and she doesn't want to give one. And it would poison the atmosphere for the next few days.
The next big question: has she seen him (since D-day)? This one makes me even crazier. I don't think she has. She's been pretty busy lately, and she hasn't come up with any excuses to be gone. I think that she thinks that as long as she doesn't see him, that she is being faithful, and that that's enough. Who knows? She may also be calling him (but not seeing him) to string him along so that if things don't work our with me, she'll have a great fallback position, so to speak. I can't get inside her head, and of course, she's not doing much talking about it.
The night before last, we went out onto the balcony at dusk, and sat in the swing together and talked (not about the R) and held hands. It was nice. Then yesterday after she got home from work she said she was tired and basically avoided me before bed. This morning she came in to kiss me goodbye before work (unusual for her), and told me she was going to try to come home a little early. So many mixed messages (and I overanalyze every last one!).
Today I'll spend with our boys (6 and 7). I have a great relationship with them, but I haven't spent enough time with them lately. I've been too obsessed trying to figure out this whole M thing.
Last night while driving with the boys, my 7 yo asked me if I'd ever been divorced. That certainly came out of left field. I think the question was a coincidence. I don't think they suspect that anything is wrong between their mother and me. Still, it really made me pause and consider. Every time I think for a fleeting moment that maybe going through this hell is not worth it and that maybe it's time to bail out, I think of how awful this would be for them. Somehow, some way, this M has to stay intact and become a good example for them. When I feel like a doormat and tired of being the one doing all the R work, it helps a little to consider that all of my efforts are not just being done for me and my M, they are being done for my boys.
Because of our work schedules, tomorrow is going to be the 1st full day my W and I will be together without company in about 2 weeks. Let me vow here to do all that I can do to make it a good day.
