One of the things I keep focusing on is trying not to become bitter about all of this. I keep thinking how she didn't have to have an A to get my attention. Actually, when she told me how unhappy she was 3 months ago (I didn't find out about the A until 3 weeks ago) I immediately bought DB and started on working to change myself. I started really loving her more and more intensely, even as she was pulling away, and even though some of that may have been simply because I feared losing her. Even after I found out about the A, I have not lost that love for her.
But I wonder how long it will be before it starts to ebb, if she continues contact with the OG and continues to push me away. I agree that the one who loves least has the greater control. But as much as I'd really like to gain more control, I don't want it to come only because I love her less. I keep hoping that she can love me again as much as I love her now, before I lose my love for her. It shouldn't be like a teeter-totter, where the only way the love given by one spouse can be high is if the love given by the other is low.
I have read many of the threads on this board. In some cases, the cheated spouse continues to love the cheater right through reconciliation (or D). But there are a few cases, especially for some in which the reconciliation process drags on and on, in which the cheated spouse becomes bitter, and moves on with life, and this seems to spur the cheater to want to come back. This puts the cheated spouse in a position of power, but the overall situation still sucks. I don't want that to be me.
During our argument last night, I asked her why things for her have changed since I found out about her A. You see, she had been coming back to me, in a very real sense. The DBing was working. She had been getting more loving, nicer, and more physical with me in the weeks before I found out. Things have certainly regressed since D-day. But when you think about it, what has really changed for her, in terms of her attitude towards me? I mean, setting aside for a moment her feelings for the OG, why would the revelation of the A make her feel worse about me? I was actually, relatively speaking, extremely understanding about it. Sure, I ranted, raged, cried, vented, asked a zillion questions, etc, for a couple of days, but not many. Actually, she told me that I was so calm about it, she keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the days since, I don't think that I've brought it up that often (again, relatively speaking), or tried to make her feel bad. Strangely, the revelation of the A has not really diminished my love for her, but it seems to have diminished her feelings for me. You'd think it would be the other way around. Anyway, I asked her about it. She said that she thought that we fought and argued so much more now that we did just before D-day. Well, some of that's to be be expected, don't ya think, I said.
Today, thinking back about it, I realize that she just gave me a big clue. I need to go back to what was working in the weeks before D-day. I need to be (or act as if I'm) happy, mostly stop the R talk, plan dates and family outings, and reduce the pressure on her. I have also mostly, but not entirely, cut out the snooping (this is really hard for me). This will cut out many arguments, and these days the snooping generally leads to suspicion only, not hard evidence. She knows that this doesn't mean that it's OK to contact the OG, and knows that there could be real consequences if I find out she's been with him again. But I need to trust the untrustworthy, in order to realize the potential down the road.
