Feeling MUCH better, just came from seeing my C (who used to be our MC)
Boy, do I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to voice all my complaints hurts anger, there were a lot of issues I had resolved in my mind already but it felt good to voice them out loud, to have him remind me how many times I had stood for my M and had done all I could.
I have to write 2 great things I got out of my session today. One was about how upset I automatically get when talking to him in regards with SA I'd get so angry, and he validated me telling me that it is understandable since he's the one abandoning the family and this is hurtful. But to also think about how my emotions are serving ME? if the anger is used in order to protect my or the children's rights, then it's constructive, otherwise, to think what those emotions were doing for me.
The other biggie, was about my self esteem in regards of ow, him leaving me, how I viewed myself. He told me that I didn't need male acceptance *specially 4nowH's acceptance* to view myself as a talented person. That despite all the crap he put me through I stayed in the right path, I offered good things to him anyways. That daily I bring good things to the table in my Rs with my children, friends, coworkers.
That 4nowH didtn' have the final say in my worth since right now he is blinded by that fatal attraction to ow, who despite being nothing short of a prostitute, low moral unbalalanced woman is still around. That that R is based on emotion thus he can't see what he is loosing: a family and a partner who is responsible grounded and respectable. For now there is that pull she has on him, that that kind of R isnt going to develop well.
So they might end up together, married, whatever, since H never got over the thought that he was responsible for her for lying to her and that he always wanted to save her--that was who he is now, someone I dont' want with me, someone who wasn't able to fight for his family, to give it his all for something worthwhile. C said how he had told him he respected all my good qualities/moral standing but that he just couldnt' relate to me. That part I'll chalk up to good ol' MLC, because he was a very uptight conservative person who looked down at people who cheated/lied, etc etc. and now he is around a person who represents the opposite of what he used to believe in.
I was feeling much better already by morning, but I'm so glad I went, I feel like this octopus who was squeezing my heart has been pried off it and now I can breath freely
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.