I have not been on this board in a long time but your sitch brought back some pretty vivid memories for me. Do a search if you want to see my old threads. I have been there and done exactly what you did. You are "reacting" just like I did and your W is "reacting" just like mine did.
Here is what worked for me (based on a lot of good advice from this BB). Don't try to stop what she is doing, you can't and she won't. It is the "game" that has her intrigued. Your job is to simply be the best husband, father, lover, friend, etc. that you can be while she decides what she wants to do. It is torturous but you don't have many options. Don't judge her but do tell her how what she does makes you feel (when the time is right). Be prepared though because she may not care how you feel. She is in a stage that simply must run it's course. She will either go or stay. Then comes the really hard part. If she stays, do you want her back? This is where I am at after running the whole cycle you are currently in. There are days where I feel very good about us and there are days that I think back and remember the pain and wish she was gone.
What worked in the end was a combination of things. My good friend told me that I needed to get my power back. What he meant was whoever loves the least has the power. So I started to think like the M was over and I had better become the best person I can be regardless of what my W does. I started to distance and work on me. That caused a fairly quick about face on her behalf. I am still in a similar mode. I love her but if she doesn't love me back I am done with her. I refuse to deal with the same thing twice. I am cocky by nature and have told her in no uncertain terms that if anything goes on remotely similar to the past I will physically harm the OM and kick her out of our home. It was not a threat and I am aware of the consequences. Right, wrong or otherwise that is how I feel. I told her this probably 3 months after the first ILY I got in 18 months. Timing is everything, I felt that way for 6 months but only expressed it once I had reached a comfort level. I know the violence part will be frowned upon by all but we gain maturity and wisdom everyday so hopefully I could stop myself.
I tell her how I feel all the time about most everything. I am a very up-front (transparent) person that feels it is only fair to let those around me know where I am coming from. You have to be very careful what you say right now around your W. Nothing will be understood the way you mean it and everything will be turned against you. There is a fine line between being a "doormat" and being an a-hole. Learn how to walk that line and you will be successful in saving your M. Too much to either side and it will be over in a hurry.
The best way to walk the "fine line" is not to "react". Plan your words wisely. I did not. My methods should not have gotten me to a positive result but I have always been lucky. Only in hindsight can I understand that I should have done what my advisors were telling me. It would have shortened the tough times immensely.
Our R is okay now and we love each other but I still struggle most everyday with the past and how I feel about it. Many times I wonder why I am still with her and other times I see my three little boys faces and I know they deserve to be raised by their M and D together so they learn how to do it. That makes me try very hard to put the past behind me work to be the best husband, father, lover, and friend that I can be.
It is a rough road but just take care of you and don't try to force anything. Their is a master plan in effect that will happen no matter what you do. That thought always made me feel a lot better.
