We are on a downward spiral

[Bagheera]

Unfortunately, at this point I can summon no motivation to do much beyond keeping a good friendship with her. Of course this now has me in the position of being willing to complain to others but not do much about my situation! Sad.

Not sad, Near: not at all. You are here, you are researching the topic, you are seeking advice and input regarding your situation. The next step, beyond problem analysis, is to start looking for potential steps that you can bring yourself to take toward improving the situation. I understand that you're in a place where there isn't much motivation to work on the problem in a one-sided way, but as DanceQueen says, one of you has to make the first move, even if those first moves are quite small. Progress is progress, or to quote Carl Sagan "Small steps, Ellie. Small steps."

So, if you don't mind, let's brain-storm this a bit and see if there are areas in which you can make some small, doable changes. When your wife criticizes or complains to you, what is she complaining about? What does she say changed between your courtship and your marriage now? You've mentioned one thing already: finding a job that you like better and one that pays better -- what steps can you take toward reaching that goal?

Perhaps the easiest thing to start working on (at least it was for me) is Michele's Housework Solution from the SSM book. A lot of guys out there don't understand the connection between the amount of work they do around the house and their sex life (else they'd be doing a lot more housework!). Speaking generically, one of primary ways in which a woman feels loved is if she feels supported and cared for. This is especially true for a mother with children, who feels like she spends her entire day caring for others: she needs to feel that there is someone who will take care of her for a change, and that role falls to you. What you don't want is to be is just another mouth for her to feed, another set of clothes to wash, or someone else to pick up after. See John Gray's classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book for a better discussion of this than I can do in a paragraph.

I've also found that this is a solution that I can work on even when I'm angry or frustrated -- it's therapeutic. Rather than retreating to my office to brood (or "pout," as my wife calls it, although I don't pout, really...I don't... ), I'll grab a brush and cleanser and take it out on a toilet somewhere. This solution may not apply to you at all, but it's a common marriage problem and where I got my own start at improving my relationship. It can also be broken down into small, easily measurable steps. For example, if she's commonly complained about the trash being full, simply take over the chore without input from her: keep the cans in the house regularly emptied and everything down to the curb on time -- one complaint taken care of, and requiring only a few minutes a day, if that.

So rather than feeling stuck and sad, Near, brain-storm with us a bit and let's see if we can start working the issue.

Best regards,

Bagheera