Yesterday was good, too. Three days in a row. We went in the jacuzzi after I got home from work, along with a couple of friends of hers. She actually came to sit in my lap for awhile and later sat beside me and put her hand on my leg. For most couples, that's probably just typical behavior. But for a long time it's been a rare thing for my W to initiate any physical contact with me. What a great feeling. I don't know how much stock to put in it; she may be forcing herself to do it even if she doesn't really feel like it. But still, it shows that she's making an effort.
You'd think that I'd feel more secure today. It's kind of funny. I feel good about the developments of the last few days, but not that much more secure. I guess I'm remembering all the times over the last few months when I thought things were going well with her while (I found out later) the A continued unabated. She's lied a lot, not just with words, but also by how she acted. For example, during her A, she would act happy and somewhat loving, at times, just so that I would be more agreeable to her going out with "her friends" (or so she said). So my insecurity now probably has a lot to do with not being able to trust that how she is acting reflects how she is feeling. I'm doing my best to believe her and not assume the worst. Like you I tend to panic whenever my W seems to be in a bad mood, says something critical, or is a little distant.
I'm also trying not to snoop. I think that just makes her more angry and perhaps more likely contact the OG, reasoning that if I think she's calling him anyway, she might as well just do it. Since she knows how I caught her in the past, she'd probably just start using other, more difficult to detect methods to contact him anyway. In the end, it just becomes a stupid game of spy vs. spy (did you ever read MAD magazine when you were a kid?), as the methods of evasion and detection become more and more complicated.
I hope your day has been a good one. I think that you must be a stronger person than you seem to give yourself credit for. First, you had the strength to ask for a D (and mean it), then you had the strength to let your H back in, and now you somehow have the strength to handle having your H still working with the OW. Do you ever think about what kind of person is able to do all that? A strong one, absolutely.
