Well, since I started this thread with a lot of questions about ever being able to have sex again with my W, given all that I discovered about her A, I thought I'd let everyone know about the 1st time we had sex since that terrible day 2 1/2 weeks ago when I found out.
After having a bad Saturday (see my previous post), we had a nice Sunday together. I'm not sure why, exactly, but not discussing the R probably relaxed us both. It was so nice, in fact, that I woke up Monday morning feeling a little bold, and initiated. She responded (halleluia!). So how was it? A little weird, but not as much as I'd feared. She seemed very into it, which I was thankful for. Being able to please her made me feel like our M still has a chance, that I have some control. It crossed my mind that she could have been faking it. As far as I know she has not faked it in the past (but men never think that, right?) and I don't think she was in this case either, for various reasons. In a strange way, though, even if she did fake it a little, she did it to make me feel good, and so even that is a good thing.
I had worried that images of the OG, or them together, would completely fill my head, and eliminate my desire (and perhaps my ability) to have sex with her. Somehow, I mostly was able to avoid thinking about him. Sure, it was in the back of my mind, but it didn't completely wreck the experience. I was pretty much able to retain my focus, and that felt good. It felt good that he didn't have that power over me.
Overall, I'd have to say that it was nice. Straight, ordinary, no talking, little kissing. Not perfect, by any means, but not a bad start. It is good to have it done with, and not have to agonize over any more. I think it will get better from here, if our R improves.
Does it actually change anything? In some ways, yeah, I think it does. It feels more now like we are a couple (albeit, one that has some big problems), whereas before it had felt like THEY were a couple, and I was on the outside looking in. Of course, it doesn't necessarily mean that much to her (and I ain't asking!). I don't know that she won't contact him, or see him again. I don't know that she attaches the same importance to it that I give it. But it is something concrete, a milestone.
Other milestones yet to come: 1. She has not put her wedding and engagement rings back on. I think she will do this before: 2. The biggie. She has not said ILY to me since January. I think I'll break down one last time when and if she says it. That will be the thing that really let's me know that the worst is over, and that I can breathe again. That day will become a new anniversery for me.
The rest of yesterday was also fun. Had some friends over for a pool party. Went to bed tired and happy. Two good days in a row, and going for three (which would be a new record for us since D-day). I still worry. My W's feelings and moods are at least as unstable as mine. For the moment, though, I've stopped obsessing so much, and the future seems a bit more hopeful.
This board has proven to be invaluable. I hope you all will continue to share your thoughts with me.
