Thanks for writing. Obviously, I did not have internet access in Japan as hoped. I missed the help I get from this board, and the trip was difficult, emotionally.
I called my W twice a day while I was there. Short calls, mostly, and I avoided R talk, except one time when I asked her if she had been in contact with the OG. She said no, but that she thought she needed to call him once more to end it (again. I had found out the day before leaving on my trip that she had been talking to him on the phone.) But she promised not to see him and said that she had made her decision to stay with me. So, I dropped any further discussion about it until I got back. While on the trip, I finished the "After the Affair" book, which I found quite helpful.
I don't think my W really knows how much power she has over my moods. On Sunday, she said she really appreciated a simple card I had left on her pillow the morning I left. Zing. My spirits were high all day Monday. Then on Tuesday morning, I called just before having to give a presentation at a conference, and just wanted to talk to her for a few minutes to help calm my nerves. She could hardly be bothered though, and kept getting distracted by a conversation her friends were having in the same room (she could have taken the cordless phone out of the room if she had wanted). I ended up hanging up on her. Zing. Instant low. Then on Wednesday, she said, "we miss you. It'll be good to have you home". Zing. Instant high. Then I got back yesterday, and even though she knew what time I would arrive, she had arranged to have a hair appointment and go grocery shopping instead of coming home to see me. Zing, another low. I can't wait until the time when I don't scrutinize her every move and words, and take control back over my moods. I still obsess far too much.
When I finally did talk to her yesterday, she said that she had called the OG on Tuesday and ended it for good. She admitted, though, that he had left her a message on Wednesday (she hadn't called him back). Of course, I wonder how firm she had been when she told him goodbye, if he felt that he could call her back the very next day. But she promised not to call him, and promised that she would let me know if he calls her. I don't put too much stock in those promises. The analogy of someone who has gotten caught up in an addiction again seems appropriate. She is addicted to the A, she has gotten awfully good at lying, and she doesn't seem to be too compelled to stick by her promises. Still, the promises are something, and I'm trying not to minimize them too much.
Kim, in answer to your question, I'm not sure that I could handle it if I found out that she had restarted the physical part of the A. I could probably forgive another phone call or 2. I know that she is going through her own kind of hell in breaking it off with him. But if she sleeps with him again, I'll ask her to move out of the house. That, of course, means that the kids, neighbors, family and friends would all find out about it. Would that mean a D? More likely than not, I'm afraid. I pray it never comes to that. If in the end there's going to be a D, I hope that she makes the decision, so that I don't have to wonder whether I made the right choice for me and my children.
I don't think her attitude and feelings toward me can change much if she is still in any kind of contact with him. Her contacts with him over the last 2 weeks have basically set us back to square one, in many ways.
I tried to initiate sex last night. She said it was still too soon, still too weird. I'm conflicted. It's still too soon and still too weird for me too, in some ways. But it's going to be a little weird whenever we have sex for the 1st time, regardless of when it happens. It seems that the longer we wait, the more pressure there will be to make it be just right somehow (which it won't be). Also, I want the intimacy of sex, and I want to start creating new memories, to help get rid of some of the awful images of them having sex that keep creeping into my mind. Plus, I'm a guy (what can I say?), and it's been a long time.
I'd like to think that the high drama stage of finding out about the A, catching her still in contact with him, etc, is over. My mind and body are tired of the depression, the sleepless nights, and being constantly feeling drained emotionally. I hope that the next stage brings at least a little more sleep, a little more energy, and a little less obsession.
