I don't think there is any rush to make a decision, you can always give him a little time to see if he progresses. But if you do walk away, you are not a failure.
And you wouldn't even be walking away, Kris. You would be moving on. Understand?
Try doing this now, while leaving the door open for your H, should he someday wake up and choose to actively work on your M together.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Rationally I understand i wouldn't be walking away, I would be moving on....Irrationally, it feels like giving up.
If I "move on" while leaving the door open for H....does that not keep me in limbo land?
Well, he gets paid today. His first full paycheck from his new job. He kept saying..."once I get a job I can think about us"...then it was "once I get a paycheck and am not worried about money I can think about us"....wonder if there will be another excuse now.
He kept saying..."once I get a job I can think about us"...then it was "once I get a paycheck and am not worried about money I can think about us"....wonder if there will be another excuse now.
Klm,
This is also what I have neard form my W,(not the pay check part she still does not have a job..)
Is this what I have to look forward to??
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I hope not. It isn't much fun, I feel like I wait and wait for what he needs to happen...and then it is just something else.
I think the problem with my H is that it is ALWAYS something...its like once I do ____, then I will FINALLY be happy. It never happens. He has to realize that HE needs to change. I am afraid he will just continue in this cycle though.
I’m with Kris on the snooping thing... like her, I’ve got a H who will probably never tell me the truth until he is CAUGHT. It'll cost me thousands for PIs to get that truth unfortunately. Money at the moment I do not have. I may this summer... but right now I do not. Frankly, he simply has this twisted belief that it’s better to leave it hidden. (in other words for HIM... certainly... for her cuz she's married... but certainly NOT for me.) Some people, it might be ok for... ME... and clearly some others here... we just want and need the truth. From the affair stuff I've read... Everybody’s way of coping is different. The lies, and the continued denial is worse than the deception of the affair, in many people's hearts.
Being able to admit it, and get it out in the open... is how many people really need to move on. It’s unfortunately not the needs of the deceptive spouse here that should be considered. Kris mentions feeling like there’s always the need to feel like he can’t be believed. I feel the same way. If they want trust... it’s earned by doing the things that prove they CAN be believed. NOT lying to save themselves a hassle of the fight.
Living with a chronic liar and cheat (and emotional coward) has this element that because you’re just not sure if you can believe them... you’re never really SURE of anything at this stage of the game.... ever. It’s a hell of a way to live... I used to have the world by the balls 6 months ago... now I feel like it’d be better to roll up into a ball and just shrivel away most days now. THAT is what the lies do to a person’s soul. The need to know is about recapturing some control for one’s own sanity.... even if it makes them crazy while and after they snoop. We need to *get it* through our thick sculls, it's part of "our" process I guess ...to finally accept that the spouse we love has some major ISSUES and we need to find it in us (by snooping/verifying, I think) in order to finally to deliver tough love and set R boundaries, should they ever get back to that. And as Kris said... if each of us actually do want to be married to a lying slimey piece of... *smile*
These spouses CAN change... but they have to want to... they have to hit the bottom hard... and desperately want to change....otherwise, people like Kris and other’s like us... live in this perpetual cycle of constant inner turmoil.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
She may really mean it. I think the question you should ask yourself is...how hard is she working on finding a job? If that is really her problem then it seems to me she would be putting all efforts into it. While I can understand her logic....if we wait for conditions to be perfect...we are going to be waiting for a long time.
I can actually see with my H how he would want to have a job before we worked on things. He was worried about it, and I think it made him feel like he didn't have much to offer me. However, like I said...with him it is always something.
I'm with Kris on the snooping thing... like her, I've got a H who will probably never tell me the truth until he is CAUGHT.
Exactly. I think that is why I feel the need to do it. And also, if I don't "validate" what he is saying...then how will I know he is telling the truth. It isn't like I can just trust what he says anymore.
Originally Posted By: Abbey
Frankly, he simply has this twisted belief that it's better to leave it hidden. (in other words for HIM... certainly... for her cuz she's married... but certainly NOT for me.)
My H has the same belief. He says he does it to protect me..BS, he does it to protect HIM. He even admitted that when I called him on it.
Quote:
Some people, it might be ok for... ME... and clearly some others here... we just want and need the truth. From the affair stuff I've read... Everybody's way of coping is different. The lies, and the continued denial is worse than the deception of the affair, in many people's hearts.
I agree, I NEED the truth. Without it, I simply can't go on. I don't need details, I just need him to admit it to me and quit lying. Now his story is that they only kissed...again BS...that is just the only thing I have proof of. Before they were "just friends", she was one of the guys, in fact...she was a lesbian. I told my H that him lying to me then and especially now made me feel worse than the affair even did.
Quote:
And as Kris said... if each of us actually do want to be married to a lying slimey piece of... *smile*
