Still in love and struggling

[Wide_awake]

As the week has progressed I can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling. On Wednesday, I got an email from her at work asking me how I felt about working on the house together. She was curious since I had been positive about it around her.

She also told me that she had mixed feelings about it-that she was sad because it was our dream house but also relieved to finally be doing something.

I told her the truth, that her relief was my nightmare but I was trying.

She also wanted to know if I thought we would always be close. That hurt because we are close. We still go to bed and wake up in the morning talking to each other. The time we spend together is good! I said I hoped so.

Then she launched into how she looks at our situation and wonders if we found us again would I want to stay in the house no matter what etc... She's been looking at money and is worried, as I am, about how we are each going to be ok.

It was hard to hear all of this but also really wonderful. Because I've been feeling like she feels no sadness or regret about this and can't wait to be gone. To see her feeling conflicted too made me feel not so alone in this. Is that nuts?

I don't see any of it as hopeful for our marriage, it was just a moment of her opening up to me when that rarely happens these days.

*sigh*