I have spent the past year basically on PAUSE. Emotionally anyway. H started his A last April even though I didn't suspect it until late May. It was five months yesterday since I found him in the motel with OW.
We did counseling but how could it help us progress when he was lying and still with HER. It couldn't. Then he moved 2 1/2 hours away.
Now that I have told him I am moving forward, making plans to tell our S--he brings me wine. He says ILY. He calls me. He says he "doesn't want to do this". But when I asked a few days ago what other option he proposed if he didn't want to do this, he said "I don't know".
I was upset this morning. H called last night to talk to the kids briefly. We were having a storm. I asked him to call me back later, I wanted to talk to him. He said he would call in 30 min. He never called. His mom called me at 10 to see if I had heard from him he hadn't come home.
This morning he finally called and said he was at the hospital until late. His back was killing him (it has been for a while). Poor him, poor him, yada yada yada
He texted 10 min later today, "I know you are tired but you know...I am tired too Some my fault Some just life Either way I too am just hanging on"
WTF does that mean. Just hanging on to what? He doesn't want to hang on to me......
I just cannot do this anymore. I just can't. I don't want to devastate my son and confuse my daughter. But I am crying on the way to work again today and I just can't keep that up either. I think it is manipulative/screwy to say I love you, I don't want to do this, but then not do anything else, either.
When he comes tonight I want to tell him that we need to tell S THIS weekend. Because this whole thing is just getting way too hard for me. I don't want to go to the wedding I think I am too screwed up emotionally to be there....
I know there is nothing you guys can do to fix this, I just wanted you to know what my head is like today. Mush. If I don't post this weekend, don't worry, I may or may not stick around the house once H and I sort things out. You guys tell me we have way too many R talks. You are right. So I want to just get the last one over with.
Bring on the 2x4s but while you are at it can you tell me how to keep from feeling like I can't breathe and I am losing the life I always wanted?
