Wow, lots of important issues and great sharing of experiences here to help you. I always get so much out of reading the stuff Sage has to say.
I can SO relate to your difficulty with "to Spy or not to Spy". It makes you feel somewhat in control, but out of control at the same time.
When h and I were in the stage you and your W are in, it was like I was dealing with someone in an addictive state! I don't think he actually cared much about the OW, but the endorphine & hormonal rush of having a secret thing going on that was fluffing up his poor self-esteem & giving him the attention he had been needing was really giving him a rush.
It's not the sex! I think that must harder for men to understand when their wives stray. It's rarely about the sex. It's the FANTASY addiction, so to speak. Affairs don't include the discussions about kids the and bills and who takes out the garbage this week. In an affair, you can pretend your not a grownup, you can remember how you felt when you were young and the high that you get from being pursued and desired.
The more you FEED that fantasy, the more your real-life seems lacking. You find ways to justify your craving--rationalize that your spouse is too this or that, not enough this or that. It's a form of temporary insanity that can cause you to act very out of character: (lying even if you are a normally honest person) (being irresponsible about your kids even if you have always been a good parent). I was shocked to hear many of the things coming out my h's mouth during that stage as much of it was so far out in lala land that it sounded like he was delusional about all kinds of things.
The upside of looking at the similarities to addiction is that, by their nature, affairs usually lose their power when reality starts to intrude. Sooner or later, you start really noticing that this OG or OW does things that you don't like or find annoying--maybe even some of the things you were thinking you hated about your spouse!
It's not the OG that she's having trouble cutting loose and going through withdrawals over, it's the way the A made her feel in her own head. It will take awhile for her to get her head clear and get back into reality. That's the time when you will have to be really patient and supportive even though you are angry and don't feel sorry for them and want to kick some a** (been there--wanted to hunt them both down...kill him quick because I still loved him...kill her slow because I hated her). Yikes--I was in a temporary insanity myself!
We have only recently been able to start rebuilding our R--after some of the crazies had started to slow down. I wish now that I hadn't taken some of the negative, delusional things my H said in the beginning to heart and gotten so reactive in return. I also wish I hadn't verbally beaten up on H so much. It might have made me feel better to vent at the time, but really added to his guilt and shame and really discouraged him from thinking there was hope for our R.
Hopefully, trying to understand your W's current behaviour as similar to an addiction and temporary insanity will help give you some patience and hope. What I found out was that there would come a time later on to talk and work on our R--but not right after the nuclear bomb expleded and we were still suffering from radiation poisoning.
If I had it to do all over again, I would have backed off a whole lot, not gotten consumed with the snooping, and just let him know that when he was ready to start working with me to improve our R, I'd be willing. So much for hindsight--but we're slowly putting things back together even though I made many mistakes.
