I think we are in a rut

[Abbey]

I’m with Kris on the snooping thing... like her, I’ve got a H who will probably never tell me the truth until he is CAUGHT. It'll cost me thousands for PIs to get that truth unfortunately. Money at the moment I do not have. I may this summer... but right now I do not. Frankly, he simply has this twisted belief that it’s better to leave it hidden. (in other words for HIM... certainly... for her cuz she's married... but certainly NOT for me.) Some people, it might be ok for... ME... and clearly some others here... we just want and need the truth. From the affair stuff I've read... Everybody’s way of coping is different. The lies, and the continued denial is worse than the deception of the affair, in many people's hearts.

Being able to admit it, and get it out in the open... is how many people really need to move on. It’s unfortunately not the needs of the deceptive spouse here that should be considered. Kris mentions feeling like there’s always the need to feel like he can’t be believed. I feel the same way. If they want trust... it’s earned by doing the things that prove they CAN be believed. NOT lying to save themselves a hassle of the fight.

Living with a chronic liar and cheat (and emotional coward) has this element that because you’re just not sure if you can believe them... you’re never really SURE of anything at this stage of the game.... ever. It’s a hell of a way to live... I used to have the world by the balls 6 months ago... now I feel like it’d be better to roll up into a ball and just shrivel away most days now. THAT is what the lies do to a person’s soul. The need to know is about recapturing some control for one’s own sanity.... even if it makes them crazy while and after they snoop. We need to *get it* through our thick sculls, it's part of "our" process I guess ...to finally accept that the spouse we love has some major ISSUES and we need to find it in us (by snooping/verifying, I think) in order to finally to deliver tough love and set R boundaries, should they ever get back to that. And as Kris said... if each of us actually do want to be married to a lying slimey piece of... *smile*

These spouses CAN change... but they have to want to... they have to hit the bottom hard... and desperately want to change....otherwise, people like Kris and other’s like us... live in this perpetual cycle of constant inner turmoil.

Abbey