Sage - You are sweet, thank you. Funny that you should write, this morning. Maybe you are psychic. Because the subject we've been discussing just came up this morning.
First, a little background (which I'm not sure is really relevant; somehow it seems that it might be). Because I have a long commute to south of Los Angeles, I have arranged a 4 day schedule (long days) at work to avoid some of the traffic. My W, a nurse, typically works two 12 hours shifts a week. Today was her first day back after being off for about 7 weeks, and I'm home today. She had been off to have breast lift and augmentation surgery, and their were some minor complications, which kept her off work (but which conveniently left her more time for the A). The breast thing was totally her idea, and I was happy to go along with it because I knew she really wanted it, in spite of the cost and the fact that I was happy with her the way she was. Later, after she told me she was unhappy with our M, but before I knew about the A, I thought it maybe had to do with a MLC.
Last night was actually quite good. I stayed away from R talk, except to ask her if it was OK if I made an appointment today for us to see a MC when I get back from Japan. She grudgingly agreed. But other than that, it was good, and we spent an hour or so in bed talking about the events of the day, and did a lot of laughing.
This morning, she got up to get ready, and while she was in the shower, I checked her cellphone. Last night, she had made a run to the grocery store and was gone just a little too long (you know what I mean). Her cellphone indicated that all of the call lists (who called, who was called) had been erased. Since I had called her early last evening, I knew that she had erased the lists last night, and she would typically not do this.
I confronted her when she got out of the shower. At first she tried to deny it, saying that I already had access to her cellphone bill. But I knew their strategy had been for him to call her (incoming telephone numbers do not show up on the bill), and that she would probably call him from some pay phone.
I demanded the truth. She finally confessed to having talked to him twice, then "maybe 5 times", including last night. She said the first time was a few days ago, after we had had a really bad night. She insisted that she hasn't met with him in person. She said that she was really struggling with this, that it was so hard to not talk to him after having talked to him so much previously, and that it was so hard for her to give up something that makes her happy now, for something that maybe will make her happy in the future.
I tried hard to be calm. I insisted that she had to stop, that I cannot put up with this, etc, but I tried to do it without ranting and raving, and I stopped just short of giving her an ultimatum.
When she went to leave (I had the cellphone), she demanded that I give her the cellphone and I refused. She told me that if I did not give it to her, that she wasn't coming home tonight. Ultimately, I gave in. She left, with me sobbing like a baby.
She called me from the road 15 minutes later. She said that she really had meant it, last week, when she said that she had decided to stay with me, but that she was really struggling with that decision. She said that she didn't want to break any more promises to me, and that she needed today to think about it before promising not to contact him again (I guess as long as you haven't broken your latest promise, that makes it OK. Gee, what a great idea, why didn't I think of that?).
So that brings us up to date. Me back to square one and leaving the country for 5 days, and her in contact with him and making no promises. I'm numb, and losing hope. I'm assuming that she has made plans to get together with him while I'm gone, but she denies it (of course).
I'll go ahead and make that MC appointment, although it's quite possible that we won't ever go. But one thing I've learned from you and others is that I will make my decision about whether to D or not carefully and deliberately. At least I have that much control.
A Bible verse keeps coming back to me: "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief". Will my prayers ever be answered?
You guys are great, and I value your help immensely. I hope (to God) to have internet access in Japan, but can't be sure.
